fatality...

Sometimes as I cross the very fatal highway to our school, I wonder. Of all the people in the world crossing this road, will there come a day when I will be one of those unfortunate people who will end his day without knowing his tragic story? I mean, will it ever occur to me, a momentary halt of time, a flashback of my life, and some weird unidentified feeling inside of me? Though I know that at some point of time it will be my choice. I can choose to take hold of the small wrinkle in time and act ahead to the fatality or I can just stand there, look at whatever is there and let everything end in a flat line, a silence that is not meant to be broken.

.silence is bronze. by ~cisya on deviantART

There are nights when I would just lie down and look up at the nothingness above me (in short, ceiling), trying to figure out endless points that most of people are trying to prove. Sometimes there are just things that I can’t really understand. Maybe when I experience some heavy crash and burn, I can fully understand it? But for now, at some point, I would just grasp whatever is there within my reach, whether how hard it is or not.

What else could I really say? Sometimes I wish I would just disappear on the face of this world. Sometimes I just want to be empty, be weightless as a feather, to feel the lightness of life and when I felt the feeling of floating time or at least the freedom to fly away from here. Then maybe I could find at least peace for an hour.

Crazy it is for me to talk about so much nonsense in my life. Sometimes I just really want to be free from all this life’s greatest lessons and just be in some placid state of whatever…

back to business...

Monday, 3 in the morning, under my blanket, awakened by the vibration of my phone; 50 messages received. Can my life be weirder, fifty messages, most of which came from people I don’t know? Well, it doesn’t really matter now, because when I rose from my bed I realized that this week is a road to hell. I must have dozed off, because the lights are still on, the door is open, and I wasn’t able to turn off my radio. I looked around my room and, there, I saw so many things that I haven’t taken care of: crumpled worksheets, laundered clothes that needs sorting, unpacked luggage, stuffs that I bought last Monday and was untouched ever since, a screwed up planner (need to buy a new one), receipts everywhere, piles of textbooks that was left open (so that I can access my lessons easily), index cards (my new notebook), bottles of C2, Pepsi, and mineral water.

My life is so messy and I think it will be a lot messier as time passes. I never thought of my room being so wasted on the early part of this semester. I guess I have been busy. But how could I be busy, when all I did this week is eat, get lost in EDSA, look for a TRANSFORMERS action figure, watch movies, and sleep? Then it came to me, I lost track of my stuffs!!! I looked at my screwed up planner and saw nothing written on the current week and the next week.

Damn, that is all I can say.

I wanted to clean my room but the thing is, as of the moment, it will be easier for me to find all the important stuffs that I place somewhere in the four corners of my room as long as I can remember where exactly I threw it (east, west, north or south). (For the record, I am so not proud of this)

I looked at my planner again and try to remember all the stuffs that I have to put in mind. Good thing, all of my quizzes are done last week, and I have no work for a month! So all I have to worry about is my studies and my father’s monthly tax report thing for the BIR. So I guess it is time for me to go back to the dirty business that I have escaped from last week. And, again, I am to bury my face into those thick books, stay up until two in the morning, drown myself with endless caffeine and try to understand the weirdness of accounting.

I yawned the moment I closed my planner. I looked at my clock and realized it was still 3:30am. So I took a post-it, write a reminder to fix my stuffs tomorrow, threw my planner somewhere east of my room (got to remember that!), and try to sleep again(Heck! I am going to make the most out of this sleep! Plus, I know that a long sleep like this is very rare so I have to grab the opportunity!)…… I am so going to be ready for my hell week!

overspending...

I was on my way home from school when I realized that I only have 20 bucks left in my wallet! Good thing I have an extra 100 bucks that I keep in my bag in case of emergencies like this.

I can’t believe I overspent this week, and the bad part is I can’t even remember where and when did I spent that almost two weeks worth of allowance. I can’t believe I got carried away, again, in spending for things that aren’t even that important. I always remember my mom scolding me about spending too much and how money can’t be found just about anywhere.

It’s kind of a shame for me not to be able to trace all my expenses in a week, heck, I am an accounting, and one of my future jobs is to track all the expenses of a business entity, and clearly I have failed doing it now.

I can’t really explain why I spend so much on things that aren’t that necessary, I mean, I try checking my wallet for some receipts that might remind me of the things that I bought and here are some :

1. Two orders of California Maki from Tokyo Tokyo (my goodness, I think I know why I had allergies yesterday, so much for my cravings…)
2. One frap, two slices of cake and a cinnamon swirl (okay, I remember not being able to finish those…sheeesh)
3. 100pesos worth of load (it’s the seller’s mistake so I decided to pay for it...I said 15 I don't know where on earth did she get the idea that I want 100pesos worth of load)

Waaah! I think I had a gluttonous week! I must learn to be thrifty! I can’t afford to overspend anymore!

rains...

At last, I caught the rain as it falls on the ground. I love the rain, I love standing outside with my umbrella while listening to its soft dropping sound that seems like some lullaby to my soul. For me, rain is one of those sweet blessings from above that makes you realize that you are alive. It awakens my senses and gives a soft tap on my soul whenever it falls down onto my skin and the coldness that it brings reminds me of the warmth that I have in me, proving to me that I am real. Sometimes when it rains I would not open my umbrella I would just let it take over me, I would let it take me into some fantasy that would disguise my true emotions, it will hide the tears in my eyes yet it will wash off the pain and the sorrows I have in me. The rain is always a refuge for me, for it would make me stop for a moment and think of the happiest thoughts that I have. Every rain drop is a pensive of memory that will always be a mark in my heart. Every dripping sound it makes when it hits something will always send a spark of happiness in me.

Hard rain by `gilad on deviantART

Rain is something big for me, it will always remind me of my friends and family and how I spend time with them, for they are very much my umbrella whenever a storm comes to my life, a sweet refuge from the coldness life can bring.

I can't escape the fury of the lord tears

It punishes me for simply living for all these years

Is there a lesson to be learned from this hard rain?

Do I deserve this, or is this god gone insane?

They say that the lord works in mysterious ways

If it's true, I seem to be having one of his bad days

I would like now for this rain to stop just for a while

Like god is still contemplating the sentence of my trial

(taken from 'gilad )

home...back home..

After staying in my uncle’s house for about a week, doing nothing but watching television all day (some think it is fun, but I am not a TV person, I barely watch TV, except Grey’s Anatomy!), I am back home. I can’t explain how happy I am the moment I stepped in my home. And when my cute little doggie, Lucky, ran towards me I really felt that I am so home…

my doggie! lucky!

It is quite ironic for me to find it hard to adjust and adapt to some other houses and to be sane without my parents and siblings, because I always look forward to having my own place to live in and be independent (I am so excited to be independent). It’s not that I want to escape the tight rules of my parents or something, I am given enough freedom. I think it is because I just want to learn the reality of fighting life without really having someone do it for me. But, right now, I think I won’t be able to leave our house, I think I am so attached to everything that has got to do with our home. Plus I realized that I am not really ready to face the “no rule” kind of life that most of old people are experiencing, I think I am not really ready for such responsibility. It will be much harder for me to live without any rules to live by than doing whatever I want…I am still seventeen; I don’t want to fast forward everything for now…I just want to stay in my same old home and be there until I reach 50? Hehe…

"I mean, seriously. Don't be fooled by all the hot shoes and the great sex and the no parents anywhere telling you what to do. Adulthood is responsibility" - Merideth Grey (Grey's Anatomy)

just nothing...

I really want to write about something but the reading marathon of Harry Potter has left my brain dry. Plus, not being at home for the past week is starting to get on me and making me more irritable than ever.

Well, in my Filipino subject we've been studying about stories...I so love reading and writing stories. It sends me some great feeling of bliss and accomplishment whenever I finish writing or reading one..that's why I really wanted to be a journalist, so that I can be able to tell the world the stories of many different people...

I think one of the many reasons that I want to be a journalist to be able to experience every emotions in one very very important happening...or at least witness it first hand...

I really don't know what to blog about...

Harry Potter fever...

Well, I am here in one of the many scattered internet cafe near our school...Apparently our classes are suspended due to the President's SONA. Heck, it is kinda jarring! after all my effort to wake up so early in the morning and fight the hard battle of commuting I will end up standing in front of our school's main gate and looking at a piece of paper taped on it saying : "WALANG PASOK" written in some weird way!

Well, I don't want to think about it anymore...right now, all I want to think about the hottest book in the world, as of the moment, that I just bought yesterday! YEAH! HARRY POTPOT AND THE DEATHLY HOLLOWS!! WOHHHOO (so dork of me to do that)...well, I never really planned of buying it..Heck I didn't even went to the mall just to avoid the stress that I will get from the excited people getting the copy book seven! but but but! when my family and I went to the mall yesterday (SUNDAY), I just can't resist it! it is calling me! tempting me to hold it and draw it close to me! yeah, one of the last to copies availabe in the mall has my name on it, and I can't just let anyone take it away from me! so I bought it! thanks to my sister who lend me some money for the book! heheheheheh

I don't want to give out any hints or whatever cause I know most people are busy doing their stuffs but I would like to comment on one thing! : "Why is it that all my favorite characters end up dead in the story!!!waah!"

a scent that reminds...

They say that the sense of smell has the greatest power to recall a memory, and ever since I heard that I try to pick up a scent from one memorable place or event. Yes, it’s kinda weird but I am investing on it because we’ll never know if it’s true or not unless it’s right at front of you.

Well, yesterday, it happened, a perfect recollection of a scent that reminds me of a bittersweet memory. Yes, a reminiscent from a pleasant smell that sends me right back in time whether I like it or not. And no matter how much I try to avoid it, it seems to follow me wherever I go, it seems inevitable. I don’t want to think about it right now, or even get reminded by the slightest thing involved with it.


…I close my eyes as the sweet scent of chamomile and rose take over me, I close my eyes breathe deep and before I knew it, I am back. Back to a dreaded time, yet remained perfectly still leaving a mark in my mind that won’t simply go. I can still see her face. Her deep hazel eyes gleaming with great beauty. A perfectly crafted smile curved by her emotions. It was once us, but as time passes, it will only be remembered with just once upon a time…

dreams...

It has come to my senses that dreams are one of the many evils in this world. For if you are unfortunate enough, it will leave you hanging on the edge of the cliff...


midnight dreams by ~andrebernardo on deviantART

It is an empty river leading you somewhere blurry...the more clear your dream is, the more vague everything will be...


Dreaming is like a free fall, disguised by some mystery with the thought of it being one of the most memorable experience you can have. As you fall, you close your eyes, feeling every bliss that it sends to your body inch by inch...



Free Fall by ~Quiky on deviantART


but in reality, as you fall, you don't close your eyes. You will see everything that passes you, the light, the time, the tide and the pain...and seconds before you hit the ground, it's when you are going to close your eyes, pass out until what is left is a huge thud and a flat tone...


Free Fallin by `gilad on deviantART

(If I dream...and I fall...will anyone catch me..?)

2am Rants...

2am…still up and jittery, studying since 8pm, drank 4 cups of tea and counting, answered most of the problems in our assignment and soon I will be moving on to the practical applications of our current lesson. Am I going to be like this for the next 3 years? Or worse, oh my gosh, will it be worse?!! What about work?! So much for my social life!

Accounting, who would’ve thought of it being very very very HARD! (I can’t believe I let my family talked me into this life…). Now, I sit here in our quiet dining room looking around, trying to avoid the numbers and theories of every single thing that involves accounting. But I have no choice. I have to bury my face into those thick books written by some “accounting gods”, ignoring the screams and shout of my brain pleading for me to give him some break from analyzing something beyond human comprehension.

I think accounting can bring so much drama in ones life, a little bit of tragedy and a handful of comedy. It’s like a huge TV series, consisting of so many characters crazed by the sacred course, accounting. Well, if it is going to be like that, hopefully, the TV series that I am living in is like Grey’s Anatomy and my character’s story is like Dr. Isabel Stevens. Waah! Will it be like hers? Will I find love in accounting? Will I loose that person from some grave mistake that Ii will do? And when she dies will I inherit 8.7 million dollars??!!!! If I have that huge amount of money, I won’t study anymore! hehehe…right now, I would like to put up our Christmas tree and lie under it since ,I think it’s, the only place fun and peaceful as of the moment…. crap, I just realized that it’s the caffeine talking, not me… (I think tea and tequilla have the same effect if drank without moderation)

I have to sleep..I have to sleep…have to wake up at 5am for school…sleep..sleep…

Movies and more movies!

I decided to watch the, said-to-be, two biggest movies released as of the moment, Harry Potter and Transformers. Both gave me some very very strong hang over that until I got home I can’t stop recalling and replaying it in my head.

Harry Potter sent me some chills crawling up to my spine. Especially the kissing scene, I mean…too young for a kissing scene!!!(Harry, not Daniel) plus, because of it other girls want to kill Katie Leung( and in that list of girls is my friend, Faye)…I even heard groans from every corner of the cinema when it happened!

the kiss

the kisser (looking oh so innocent)

the potential killer(looking not so innocent)

Then to make things worse, I saw the death of my favorite character, Sirius Black! I swear I want to cry!!! As if reading it in the book is not enough they decided to make it in a detailed and slow motioned scene….

I cant believe he's dead!! :'(

Well, we just got to move on…I really like how Bellatrix Lestrange and Luna Lovegood was acted! I am crushing on them both!! Hehee (blush)…Umbrige was, also,well acted! She really is some weird OC social climber witch punishable by the centaurs..hehe

Luna Lovegood! looking so lovely!

Bellatrix Lestrange acting so feisty!

uhmm... Umbrige

TRANSFORMERS! On the other hand left me with my mouth hanging open and lungs gasping for air!! It is so GRREEAAT! It has exceeded my expectations!!! If I can, I would shout at the cinema! I can’t really make any comment out of it because it has left me speechless! Transformers : More than meets the eye!

Bumblebee! my favorite!

Optimus Prime!

Shia Lebouf and Megan Fox

Josh Duhamel as Lennox!

Megan Fox!

Some Friday the 13th

Right now, I would like to plug in our old betamax player and find some old scary movie to frighten myself out of this boredom that my parents had given me. But instead of wetting my pants out of fear, I am sitting in our living room, listening to some loud music, eating adobong pork and letting myself be killed by the boredom of being alone in the house. (I SHOULD BE WATCHING TRANSFORMERS!! )

waaah so cool! I love the morbidity of Jason!

My favorite horror movie! The only one that made me shreik!

What else can I do but to accept this fate of mine and just sleep my way through the day? But I think it’s okay, I mean, I’ve seen enough action for this day. Thanks to my classmate who thought of fighting on some, thought to be, auspicious day would be cool. It’s amazing to watch them make things fly in the air and shouting curses as if it’s the spell that can make things fly(maybe they’ve already watched Harry Potter and they just can’t get over it)! But I pity one of my classmates who got hit by the thick book of Financial Accounting on the head. I could swear she wants to scream Avada Kedavra (is the spelling right? I kinda forgot) while pointing her pen to the girl who threw it to her. I can’t really recall how it all started and how it also ended. I think they gave everyone some memory loss spell, because all I can remember is we had a surprise quiz in math because of the commotion they made. waaah! Happy Friday the 13th!ü

sad, very sad...

I hate how life always left you breathless, or how time would just be so fast for you to cope up with, and when you get the hang of everything that is happening to you, all of the sudden, something new will pull you back down to where you started. I have been very very sad for the past few days. Dazed by all life’s works and perplexities, silenced by the noise that had been wailing around me, and now, I feel like I’ve been left hanging on the edge of a cliff, trying to chase time and pull back whatever passed in my life.
I can’t believe it, I just can’t. How could all these happen within a day or two? First, my life, my studies, and whatever there is that had kept me awake for the past week then this. I thought I am getting the hang of it, but all of the sudden I am, again, blinded. I can’t believe that Spike, my dog, died just like that. It is way beyond my comprehension, way beyond my expectation. I hate surprises, and no matter how much I try to take it all in, there are just things that you wish when you open your eyes are back and still the same. I will Spike so much, I will miss how he runs around me whenever I open our front door. I will miss his noisy barks whenever I arrive from school. I will miss everything in him, for he has been part of my life for the past ten years. I will miss Spike…

...I wish on a falling star
To conquer my sorrow
Seeing you, though afar
In times we borrowed
But now there is nothing
Just the memoirs of you
And I am missing you…

Learning to juggle... (some library thoughts)

I sit here in the middle of the silent room trying to understand the definition of responsibility and prioritizing. Because, right now, no matter how much I try to get things done and understand all those weirdness in my course all that I was able to do is stare at the blank space of this large air-conditioned room. Waaah! How can I concentrate, when my stomach keeps on shouting to my brain to get the food in my bag and eat it(RAWR), then add up my unusually heavy eyelids that keeps on falling.

If I can describe my whole situation right now, I am an amateur juggler struggling his way on his first exhibition, complaining inside how hard it is but can’t drop anything ‘cause everything he puts in the air is everything he is, and with just one drop from one of those things his everything will fall apart. How I wish this staged program will be over, or much better it won’t and I will just get the hang of it and continue performing without any hesitation.

All I can think of or all I can dream of, right now, is my ultimate-vacation-dream-thing and that is a road trip somewhere very far, far away from here, where I can spread my arms and fell the gushing of the wind on me. But, unfortunately, when I open my eyes, it all ends. And I am back in my plain school library where all I can do is watch two lesbians getting it on, some freshmen breaking the silence of the room from time to time, and some utterly tired students sleeping and drooling (maybe and hopefully ;) ) on their financial accounting books. Okay, right now, I have made a decision to go home and continue my sleep-walking-studying past time there.

Random thoughts:
Need a new planner!
Gotta cancel my reservation in Greenbelt for HP! *teary eyes*
How much is a brand new phone nowadays?
I want krispy kremes!

Eskimo – Damien Rice
Tiredness fuels empty thoughts
I find myself disposed
Brightness fills empty space
In search of inspiration
Harder now with higher speed
Washing in on top of me so

FalliNg FoR aMiE...

a une amie dans le doute by ~vercors on deviantART

Maybe I am just a fool, a fool who stands by the road waiting for his fate to take over. For if I am aware of what step to take, I will not be here waiting in an ocean of crowd trying to chase whatever comes their way, hoping that it’s their name written on it. But if I leave this place will I, at least, be able take a glimpse of this certain hope that I have been trying to reach. If I leave, will I still believe in such great pulchritude that has only set foot on this earth once? If I leave, will I still be able say those words without the slightest flounder? And though as I bury myself in those notes written by destiny, I still have this portrait of time, a portrait on which I struggle to taste those sweets words. I try to write a certain story in this place, but as I try to catch myself I found myself reading another’s story. I cannot feel anything, but though, I still see the fast movement of time whispering its soulful melodies for those who got left in time.

Amie - Damien Rice

Amie nothing unusual nothing strange
Close to nothing at all
The same old scenario the same old rain
And there's no explosions here
Then something unusual something strange
Comes from nothing at all
I saw a spaceship fly by your windowDid you see it disappear?
Amie come sit on my wall & read me the story of 'O'
Tell it like you still believe that the end of the century
Brings a change for you and me
Nothing unusual nothing's changed
Just a little older that's all
You know when you've found it there's something I've learned
'Cause you feel it when they take it away hey hey
Then something unusual something strange
Comes from nothing at all
But I'm not a miracle and you're not a saint
Just another soldier on a road to nowhere
Amie come sit on my wall & read me a story of old
Tell it like you still believe that the end of the century
Brings a change for you and me
Amie come sit on my wall & read me the story of o
Tell it like you still believe that the end of the century brings a change for you and me

catharsiS...

ca
catharsis. by =DRGPhotography on deviantART

catharsis - emotional release: an experience or feeling of spiritual release and purification brought about by an intense emotional experience .... (that's what you get when you study accounting for 3 hours straight)-3 hours palang yun ah! what more pa pag departmental na! baka schizophrenia na!

If you had said it long before
Will I learn the meaning of sacrifice?
For I have know about it long ago
You will never hear my silent cry-

If I’d never sing you my symphony
You will never praise another’s sun
And find no joy with other’s rhapsody

If I learnt to love you long ago
Won’t you do the same-or not
‘Cause when you didn’t ask
It’s when you let it all pass;
We did not see and speak and know...

grey room syndrome...

Why am I here? What will all these make me of? I lie on my bed awakened by some sweet song that, at least for a moment, gives me solace. I don’t know if this is one of those sacrifices that I am talking about. But as I lie in the darkness, breathing and feeling my hear beat, I half wish for it to just stop. For I think it’s the only way to be able to get out of this plight. I can’t believe how life, again, has left me breathless, or worse, paralyzed in the suffocation of things. It’s only been two weeks and to my surprised that I am still sober. Right now, I hate hope, which is always there at its evil state, for it gives a man reason not to let go, prolonging the torment of his soul. But what else can I do but to cling on hope for if I let go it will bring more perdition other than what I am expecting to face. My friend said that it will be all over soon-or is it? Will it be soon enough for me to stand and soon enough for me to contain these emotions that, as of the moment, are clouding my very sense of fighting. I am trying, doing my best to be strong enough for others to see that I am not giving up. But the truth is I never wanted this fight at the first place because I know it is too much for me to take. And yet there is no other except to face it. I am still awed at the same time thankful that I am making it through the day without bursting and though I am sinking more into this perplexity I am trying not to falter.

Well I've been here before,

I've sat on the floor,

In a grey grey room.

Where I stay in all day,

I don't eat but I play,

With this grey grey food.

Desole, If someone is prayin'

Then I might break out. Desole,

Even if I scream,

I can't scream that loud.

I'm all alone again,

Crawling back home again,

Just stuck by the phone again.

Yeah, well I've been here before,

Sat on a floor,

In a grey grey mood.

Where I stay up all night,

And all that I write,

Is a grey grey tune.

So pray for me child,

Just for a while

And I might break out.

Pray for me child,

Even a smile Would do for now.

sacrifice....

I have been trying to figure out lately what on earth is in my mind, what am I feeling, what do I want to say, and what do I want to have. And lately, I’ve been wondering about all the things that I have given up. It’s kind of foolish to make certain decisions without even thinking about myself, because at some point, though I know it’s for the good, I’ve been asking: Is it all worth it?

Sacrificing, yes, I guess that’s what I’ve been doing lately, sacrificing some significant things, trying to look at some deeper meaning other than self contentment and a handful of plain selfish vanity. Now, I feel like I have forgotten the real sense of sacrificing and its real meaning. Is it like what I have been thinking of right now, a way to hide one’s true color? Or like in accounting, the term goodwill, at certain point one of the partners, from some goodness of his heart, is willingly giving out a certain amount of money that can be his (goodwill is not applied in accounting anymore!). It’s somewhat confusing and at the same time frustrating, because right now, at some point, I want to be angry and blame everyone who’s involved. I don’t know. I guess all I can do right now is to take a deep breath, try not to fall off the cliff and into the see of doubts. But here’s one thing for sure: “I’ve been making sacrifices without knowing what it is really.”

bewildered...

I guess, out of the insanity that this week has brought me, I have decided on a lot of things in life, but the problem is I really don’t know what I have decided on(weird). I think I have dropped some ¼ of my measly mind as I walk around the grounds of our school finding the perfect thing that will bring me serenity a while ago. There is just so much to think about (HARRY POTTER), so much to worry on(HARRY POTTER), and so much to be obsessed at(ACCOUNTING) and yet I found myself typing, again, some clutters of my mind.
I have never thought that this week will, at least, stand out from all those any-ordinary-boring-week-things. It has been very, well, crazy.
Last Wednesday we had this medical check up wherein we’re going to take off our clothes so that the doctors can have the moments of their lives looking at something beyond what others can’t. It was, rather, amazing how the doctor told me, and I quote "hubad!" without even flinching. And all that I was able to say is "seriously?" but of course there are other things that I want to tell that doctor such as: "I can’t, I mean, you’re a lady! Plus I am a kid! By the way, have you seen such things? I don’t want you to be all surprised!" or "I am sorry, lady, but not all the best things are free." Or "What? No dates, or whatever is before this?" well even though I wasn’t able to tell it to the doctor I came out victorious! Because, I am exempted from the swimming!! Wohoo!
There are other stuffs that caused so much bewilderment in my week. My dreams, the impulsive decision to watch HARRY POTTER at Greenbelt 3 (made reservations!) and being scolded by my accounting professor for reasons unknown (just in the wrong place at the wrong time). Waaah! Then add up those creepy anonymous texters, most of whom, wants to get laid(I don’t really know what gave them the idea that I want to do it). Well, I am really not in the mood of blogging right now, so I guess this is all the best that I can do for know…hopefully I will be sober in the near future…I WANT TO WATCH TRANSFORMERS!!!