1. want to go to Alcehmy's pajama party!!
2. craving for mango bravo!!!
3. missing an old bestfriend (go chezca! reunite us if you want to!!)
4. trying to write longhand perfectly... bloody hel
5. experiencing a series of headache due to excessive reading...(currently on a reading hiatus)
6. cleaning my room (again)
...utterly bored...
Morning comes and you lie on your bed wondering, pondering and thinking. At some point in time you doubt if you can ever let go of the things that you did, if at some point you can just consider it your past, never looking back at it and completely forgetting it.
But the past has always been a funny thing. I creeps out when you least expect it and haunts you at your weakest hour, and worst of all, it convinces you that, that’s the best that you can offer to this world and there’s nothing that can fully change that.
It has always been that monster you have tried burying and yet you fail. For you know, full well, that you are really being devoured by it ever minute of the day. And the thing is you really want to let go, but you have been completely paralyzed by it.
Will you cry for help or will you have enough strength to get through this utterly cruel fate? Can you wail for you plight to take its toll? Whatever path you may take, the morning will always seem to be the longest time of the day…
Will it hurt to just take a second glimpse at you? It is just that I haven’t memorized it yet. Who knew that, just a few seconds ago was the last moment of ecstasy for me would begin and at the same time, end? I don’t even know if I can live with this feeling.
What pain it is to find such object of affinity, to find someone and to live again. It is hard to just let it go-to let you go. Will you even notice the single heartbeat that beats for you? Will it be too much just to hold my hand?
I sit here doing nothing but to think of you, to reminisce the time when the world seems a blur but you? I pray to God that at some point in time you’d stop and feel the feelings I have for you. It has always been true that there is always a tragedy waiting for those who feel. A tragedy that sets apart all these thoughts inside me, a kind of twist in the lives of those who thought that there seems to be nothing more than breathing; a tragedy that would take one into a different light and a different world and change him completely. It is right to call you my tragedy?
Now that I have found you, will you find me?
“Words are things, and a small drop of ink, falling like dew upon a thought, produces that which makes thousands, perhaps millions, think”
- Lord Byron quotes (English Romantic poet and satirist, 1788-1824)
A few days right after the best holiday there is, our hopes of changing are usually rekindled. Because after almost 365 days of pretty much experiencing almost everything, from great success to deep failure, the feeling of starting anew would definitely take over us. But of course, starting over is never an easy thing, for it will always have the tendency to run over a few things, like the way you spend time with some of your friends, the personality that you have established, and the things that you thought you can’t leave without.
What is it that is so important in changing? I mean, for no reason at all, some decided to wake up earlier, eat less, stop smoking or drinking, and even change how they view life. What is the real essence of it? I think it is pretty much way beyond one’s comprehension.
Any real change implies the breakup of the world as one has always known it, the loss of all that gave one an identity, the end of safety. And at such a moment unable to see and not daring to imagine what the future will now bring forth, one clings to what one knew, or dreamed that one possessed. Yet, it is only when a man is able, without bitterness or self-pity, to surrender a dream he has long cherished or a privilege if has long possessed that if set free - he has set himself free - for higher dreams, for greater privileges. (Nobody known my name: more notes of a native son)
I am boring as of the moment-not bored- but boring. I mean, if you can pretty much see every single thing that I am doing this Christmas Vacation you’d be so bored that you’ll find yourself wanting to sleep instead. I am such a slacker! Bloody hell!! I can’t even force myself to do my Assignments and stuff!!
Here are the things that I’ve been up to lately:
We all are broken. And no matter how much we try to look at it in every way there is always going to be a missing piece- something lacking in us, depriving us from being whole. It is quite scary to know that at some point in time we’re on the verge of falling apart and breaking down. And what’s worse, sometimes, we don’t have anyone to run to for help.
The thing is we know that we have to strive. We have to look for that missing piece that will make everything go away- we want everything to be perfect. And yes, with the knowledge of being incomplete we search for that completeness around us. But little do we know we cannot find it just about anywhere. No, it’s not within our comprehension, nor in any place that screams peace. We cannot even find it among us.
We long relentlessly for that feeling of being whole or being complete. And yet we fail to understand that someone made us broken to be whole. We need to know that there are thing we have to surrender and sometimes it even includes our very essence.
photo credit : the dark whisperer
We all have a destination- a place where we know it is the end or something, but the thing is, it is completely different from all the endings that we are accustomed to. It is simply the conclusion of everything we loved, fought for, died for, and lived for. It is pretty much the wrap up of our very long and tiring journey.
What else is just as, if not more, important that our destination? It is how we get there. Just like a long drive at night we let ourselves flow with the traffic passing by some important moments. Letting ourselves feel the cold breeze of air and getting hypnotized by the sequence of streetlights that hover over us as we drive along.
Do we really know our destination, or we just let ourselves get lost without much thought of how we are supposed to find ourselves in our purpose? Actually, it is quite tempting to change course. To be somewhere you are not designed to be in. But the tragedy in it is that we never really are strong enough to stand alone and survive this long journey.
Shall we let ourselves get lost?
7ish days to go and it’s Christmas. And all I can pretty much say that Christmas here in our house is quite different. Why? Well, because, right now it’s a mixture of different weird feelings- a mixture of both excitement and nostalgia. I don’t really know, I mean, for me this Christmas a lot quieter than the usual. I guess it’s because we’re going to be spending the Christmas without my sister who is in
my doggie, lucky, can't wait to open his gift!! :D
It is the slowest part of the day. The time when you just sit on one corner waiting for the world to just speed up its pace and eventually send you to where you wanted to be. Technically, you just sit there, looking around maybe even checking out every single person who sits there beside you. You try to find something that might interest you, yet, you fail. And though you try to avoid what’s coming next, you just simply fall into it with nothing but a deep breath that marks its beginning. Slowly, you sink deep into your thoughts.
You have been avoiding it for one main reason: so that your pretenses of how organized your thoughts are won’t blow its cover. The irony of it seems so hard to muster. Every single strand of memory and realization seems to bombard every single inch of space in your brain. But it’s completely unfortunate because you have to accept the fact that you are back there again. And all you have to do is sort out every single thing and try to understand whatever it is injected into your thoughts may it be new or old.
Questions are always there. They never fail to keep you awake at night and wonder where on earth they came from. And though you try to find the answers, it feels like it’s nothing but scanty.
You close your eyes, take a long deep breath and you finally find yourself again.
Bloody hell, it’s Christmas!!
It’s Christmas, it’s Christmas!!!
Imagine my surprise when I saw our old Christmas tree in our living room!!!
I can’t wait for Christmas day itself!!
It’s just that, for the first time in so many years the holiday season has grown on me! :D
Such ecstasy!!!
So here I am again- fronting the computer with my tea at four o’clock in the morning, trying to decide whether today has been something worth remembering or not.
Seriously, I don’t know. I just wish I can just forget how things were without much recoil on it. But unfortunately, I can say is sometimes you tend to become the slave of whatever it is that has been trying to control you.
Life is something really, really hard! I mean, sometimes you thought you are strong enough to fight whatever it is out there but then when you finally see it, you’ll realize that you’re utterly helpless, vulnerable and pathetically useless.
Seriously, I wish I can just unlearn some stuff. I wish I never thought about it…
(imagine me talking in brit accent while reading this!)
It is ultimately hard…but before I can move on, my fight for tonight is the unbearable headache that the loud music gave me!!
Seriously, how can one order his brain to stop thinking? I mean some people just find it hard to control the overflowing of thoughts from their brain. And, unfortunately, I am one of those people. I mean, seriously, it’s hard once you got the habit of thinking too much. I don’t consider this as worrying or something negative, I see it as relentlessly analyzing every single thing that is involved with everything one can fathom.
I’ve been thinking too much right now!!!
Some of the things that I just can’t stop thinking about are:
what's frustrating with this darn post is that there are so many things in my mind right now, and I can only come up with such short post!!!
Looking at it reminds me of something. A card that my friend gave me for graduation (thanks Janet!!! Miss you so much!!!) it says : “Tomorrow is a blank page just waiting to be filled with your dreams… all you have to do is be yourself and live the story that no one else can live – the story of your own unique life.” I don’t know why the moon reminded me of something like this. But heck, it is technically true. We all have a story- a story that tells about pain, happiness, ecstasy, fantasy and even a journey for those who reminisces things so much. A story that has been known by everyone, a story that is only shared between two people, a story that is better left untold, and even a story that is yet to be written and known. Yes, there are so many stories, and every single second they keep on growing in numbers. I’d like to know every single story there is, no matter how long, graphic, horrendous, macabre or melancholic it is I want to hear everything. Stories made the world a lot pleasant to live in, but the only disadvantage that these stories bring is that sometimes it’s so beautiful that you’d just want to stay there forever, not moving on, fighting for its grasp and then before you know it you’re no longer living…
Here’s my story:
I took a deep breath, for it’s been ages since I last tasted the sweet air that kept me on going back to this place. For me, the sound that the gust of wind makes is a music that no one can ever describe. I feel like I am in heaven, for the surge of tranquility has completely paralyzed me. I closed my eyes for my spirit cannot take the beauty that this place shows. I started walking and slowly feeling the sand beneath my bare feet. I know where exactly I am. The warmth of the sun started crawling on my skin as I move foreword. And it was when I felt the cold water of the sea that I decided to open my eyes. The sun is slowly setting-bidding goodbye to every single living creature there is. Any minute from now, the whole world will be covered with darkness marking the end of the day. How come the day has to end? How come we were not given a choice to stay in a certain day for a certain period of time? The night- will always catch everyone, who doesn’t know how to live today, off guard with tomorrow. I can’t stop being weary of what will happen if I dive into the depths of dreams. I want this day to stay forever…
ps: thanks to hafz!! I was enlightened!! I didn't know it was venus and jupiter!!! hehehehe The SKY is SMILING
click to see her post!!It’s been ages since I last put my thoughts on paper (or rather on my blog), and right now, all my thoughts have piled up occupying most of my sane mind. Unfortunately, as much as I want to have more time for leisure and stuff, I barely have any. Actually I don’t even have the time to catch my breath that much. And the only time left in my pocket is only enough for me to be able to get some energy for what lies ahead.
Well, actually, that’s not my main thing in this blogpost. My thoughts right now are pretty much preoccupied by something called growth… I mean, seriously, all of us want to grow, whether physically, emotionally, mentally and whatsoever. But hell, no one really told me it would be so complicated.
It’s weird to be thinking about this right now, because, come to think of it I should know how it is like already. But apparently I decided to experience it just now. Who knew it would be hard, utterly strange, sluggish and exhausting! If only I knew how to deal with it earlier my life would be more fun and less tiring.
Growth, according to my handy dandy dictionary, is some process of becoming larger and more mature!!! Well, it’s some part of it but you get the point. Why on earth do I want to grow!? I really don’t know. But here’s what I learn:
“All of us were given an ample of time- 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and so on. And, yes, it’s more than enough. It’s just a matter of GREAT time management.”
That is one of the many things that one of my friends told me when I kept ranting about not having enough time. It really does make sense. But the thing is it’s awfully hard to be able to distribute time properly to the things that you have to accomplish. I mean, most of the time you get sidetracked by things that is quite hard to ignore. And also, time management is needs heaps of discipline. The thing is I barely have any when it comes to focusing on things to be done. So I guess I really have to do some adjusting.
(So to my friends who are expecting a little of me to spend a night with them! I am so sorry!!! Because all I can say is “so much for my social life”)
Things that made my happy today regardless of how much it ended so “ragefully” (it’s really irritating how exhaustion can really get into people’s nerves!!):
What on earth is the meaning of every breathing moment in life? I mean, technically you live, breathe, laugh, cry and even feel a little bit weird sometimes-all of these you do for the sake of existing. I know, reading that two previous sentence may sound ridiculous because basically I MIGHT be missing the point here. But I mean, seriously, of all the years that you’ve been living on this Earth, at some point in time you’d wish that you’ll just cease to exist.
What is it with all the things here? I mean all the things that matter. Because the thing is, they eat you alive. Of course, at first, you want to have this kind of moment when you think you just can’t hope for anything more. But then you realize you just can’t have them. You’d start pulling them out of you but it’s too late for they had sunk so deep into your system that they reached the very core of your humanity. In the end, you’ll just wish to disappear for even a single second, leaving everything behind.
let me end this with a dream...
Isang blogpost na pinauso ni cien!!!! Hehehehehe…
So here’s my wish list that took me a week to complete…whew…who knew that making one is hard work!!
Keane’s Perfect Symmetry and the Gossip Girl Soundtrack(OMFGG)… :D
JD Salinger’s works and the 2008 winner of man booker prize (I think it’s white tiger, I forgot the title) and Anne Enright’s The Gathering(also shorlisted in man booker prize..I think the book also won..I just can’t remember). The man booker prize org thing always chooses the best books! And Salinger’s style is so addictive that you want to read his books over and over…Haruki Murakami too!!!
I want the Holga…hehehehe..
This would really make me happy!!!
I’m not a planner person, but heck, this planner is so cool!!
Ever since my wallet got stolen back in first year college I have been using my
This is the evolution of my love for twilight…I mean, the twilight series is over and I want another vampire series…so why not try a graphic novel? But heck, graphic novels are expensive!! I want to watch true blood too!!!
Seriously! This cake never left my mind the moment I tasted it! It’s heaven!!!!
Who doesn’t need this? I wish I can have Lexie Grey’s memory so that memorizing won’t be a problem! With this, accounting would be slightly easier…
Mogwai is a small cafe and movie house...you have to be a member to be able to watch their movies…their membership is a little bit pricey…
I don’t really smoke, but I really need to take a breather. You know, the kind that smokers do in the middle of their work just to ease things up. That’s what I want to do, minus the cigar. I mean, seriously, I know it’s just the start of the semester and all but there are a lot of other things that has been happening and it causes my brain to do some overdrive. I think it’s quite usual for people like me to experience that. You know, I’m one of those people who just don’t have any idea what to do next right after the task assigned to him is done. And not really knowing what to do can really drive me crazy. I just need a cigarette break. Maybe a walk will do, or dining out with some of my closest friends or even a long dreamless sleep…
It’s awfully hard not to have your “person” by you when you really need him/her. I mean, you just need that kind of person who won’t pass any judgment even though you committed murder, felony, fraud or any other illegal stuff-not that I have done anything like that-and that someone you can spend some time with talking in some old café. I really miss my person and unfortunately, for the time being my person has gone missing for reason only the friggin’ heaven know…
I hate it. I hate how things in life can make one so utterly busy and putting a halt into a relationship, may it be romantic or not (and for future references all of my relationships are not romantic). It can get really frustrating, because sometimes you just want to be angry but you just can’t because you don’t know where or whom to be angry at.
Then there are people who are just there. Regardless of how close you are to that person, he or she will just be there, Existing, not even caring if there’s some earthquake or what. Well my point is, there are these people who exist in your life for the sake of existing. But the thing is, you appreciate their presence because it seems that they keep the balance in your life even though they don’t play a big part of it. So when they leave it’s like entering into a new world that is quite hard to be familiar with and it’s utterly hard to adjust…
I just hate it when people go missing…
“Trouble been dogging my soul
Since the day I was born”
It was a single drop of rain that woke my senses up. It was a light touch that grew and took over my whole body, taking the numbness out of me. But then what, what will I feel next? The vulnerability will soon sink in and, eventually, forcing me to hide again. I need some place to run to, something that I can grasp and hold on to.
Tell me, will time be always of the essence? Because, the fact that you cannot take it back always left me yearning for more. If only I can delay misery, then maybe, it would be easier to cope.
“How long have you been doing it!?” awestruck, my cousin asked me
“More or less six months,” I replied, “but that was like ages ago and I'm over it.”
That was our last exchange of words because a few seconds after her friend arrived so we have to immediately change our topic. And after that was an awkward silence, which made it easier for me to hide into my thoughts and try to ponder on the words that left my bloody lips.
What I said to my cousin is some secret that was well kept by everyone who knows, also, it was the very reason why I’m trying to change some bloody aspects of my life. I mean, right now, I am hoping that when I look at this time of my life I will just consider it as a phase that every normal person would encounter and, right now, I’m doing a great job on proving it to be one.
So, all I can say about this is that I’ve been through hell and at my age I know I will be back there. I am just hoping that, like before, it would be with my friends so that it will not be boring…
Your symphony has never left me, for in the passing time I yearn nothing but to become yours. In the horizon I see noting but your reflection; a reflection that would never fade and would control me completely. In can never end, this feeling, for every time I breathe, I inhale your hypnotizing story into me.
Will there be a moment for me to take you away? This feeling I have in me will never die now. And the mere thought of you is an ecstasy to my mind. Now, I find it hard to wake up, for it ends my dream of gazing upon you forever.
I will always pray that you’d hear me my song. A song which sings only of you and whose dances meant of whatever it means to love you.
Can you see it? Can you feel me? Open your eyes now and let’s run away together.
note : I don't know who Sophia is... :D
photo from : momoclax
The first page! it's too small though! :D I scanned it!
I was cleaning my room when I found an old story that I wrote for my friend to celebrate her love life… (Go Tinkerbell!!!) I really miss writing, but it’s really unfortunate that I really can’t find anything to write about. I guess it’s because my mind has been fully taken over by my studies and it’s was just last Friday when I was able to completely clear up my mind from the worries of failing…and right now I am making up for lost time and by the time I’m starting to catch up, I’m already going to school again, worrying about passing again…whew…I never thought this vacation is too short for me…I need more time!!! SIGH!!!!
Okay, seriously, I have contained myself for the longest time in my whole life. The last time I decided to let go of all the pressures in life without really caring about my surroundings was May 31, 2008, which was ages ago! So, it was when I was talking to my friend on the phone when I realized how much I am dying to have a night out with my old bar buddies (wewt!)! Waaah! I don’t know, I mean, I am DYING go out right now and just have some fun. I guess it’s kinda hard to ignore the party blood once it got injected into your system. I mean, the great music, the relentless dancing, and uhm..well, the occasional drinks put you in a state of trance that would simply be etched onto your brain making you crave for more. I promised myself that I won’t be doing this anymore since, I don’t know, it’s kinda getting old for me but I guess it just won’t go away! Drinks anyone? :D
It’s quite weird and useless to be talking about notebooks, but for those who don’t know, I love buying notebooks for no reason at all. Well, mostly for the sake of me having something to doodle or scribble on since most of the time, thoughts would seeps out of my effin’ brain. So here’s the thing: I found a very cool notebook that I really, really, REALLY want to buy!!! It’s kind of weird, but I would consider notebooks as one of my luxuries in life!!! :D but another thing is…it costs over a thousand pesos (a thousand pesos if you order it…)! Wuhuhuhu… so right now I am battling practicality over wants or wants over practicality or whatever! Another thing that made the decision making harder is I have a great reason to buy one! :D
I lie here in silence, for silence is all I have. My spirit has been stripped off its feeling, numbing me completely. Can anyone tell me of melancholy? For in melancholy I would sing.
I lie here in the darkness for I have turned myself blind. With the desires for the things I see, I turned my back from life. Now, every vein in my body seeps out of stories of wild ecstasy of relentless pains.
Can anyone tell me the tale of death? For though, in death I can find nothing, I have let my weakness find myself there.
I have nothing to carry, and in my emptiness I have found nothing of importance. I have chased winds and now I’m falling with it-not flying-falling.
note : mind clutters that ended up on a piece of paper that ended up here!! :D
At long last, my major exams are over and the only remaining exams are pretty easy compared to the excruciating test I have taken a few days back. And now, the only thing that I am worrying about is how to spend my sembreak without boring my guts out. I don’t know what to do! I mean I am the kind of person who, though likes being alone, can’t stay in one place for too long without doing anything. One week of break is too long for me. So what am I going to do? I don’t know so if any of you have any ideas, tell me, I am open to any suggestions.
So since I have no idea on what else is there to do, I am planning on locking myself away to our province for almost the whole break, but I don’t know if I am going to last long there. I mean, it’s so far away from civilization to the point that cellphone signals are so scarce that you have to be in the middle of the sea to get a bar, plus, there’s no studio 23 there so I’m not gonna be able to watch Grey’s anatomy making it hard for me to decided whether I am going to be doing this.
Another plan of mine to read my heart out, since I have been literally hoarding on books this semester. On the contrary, I don’t know if the books that I bought will last for the whole sembreak, since, even though I try to slow down my reading, I still end up finishing books in one seating, I just can’t stop reading the moment I started.
So that is pretty much my plans for this sembreak, plus the occasional partying but I don’t know if I’m going to get something good from that now (I, so unless I concocted a new plan all these can be called “a complete system of lack of thoughts”. Sheesh..so again, suggest something please..ü
Hmmm…it’s like sitting on a chair in front of your bloody study table for two hours and doing nothing but stare at your thick books without even understanding a word. That, for me, is called giving up.
Seriously, I am not stressed nor even on the verge of going gaga due to the freakishly hard finals. I am fed up. So fed up that I would just want to walk away without much effort to survive whatever is there for me now. I don’t know, it’s just that I am not a huge fan of frustrations. And right now, almost every single thing around me seems so frustrating (but surprisingly, my uncle, whom I work for, is not!!).
I don’t know, should I have a reason for doing this - for giving up or going on, I mean? Do I have to have one? Because if I do, I command it to appear now, at this very moment while I am typing these stupid thoughts! Well, unfortunately, it is not appearing now, ‘cause if it is I won’t be continuing this post. Okay I don’t know what to write anymore.. so I guess it ends here.. weird…
So what now? I am here, fronting the computer, looking for the right drive to make my freaking brain work properly again. I don’t know, maybe it’s because of the aftermath of an epiphany that I can’t last long in an ultra crowded place with weird lights, loud music and a makeshift nebulizer without struggling to keep myself sane. So here I am typing what is supposed to be a synopsis of one of my favorite literary pieces but unable to find the right words and style to make it acceptable.
Hmmm…so whatever is happening to my life right now is pretty much in the boring side. No freakishly embarrassing moments or weird made up scenes in the mall or something. Mostly everything that has been happening to me is because of such case called oblivion. Yeah, I am utterly, irrevocably oblivious of my surroundings. How was I able to say that? Well, tell me, have you ever seen a person who without any valid reason at all, tripped while standing still on an escalator? I don’t know, I think my brain is having this momentary interval when it just dies down on me. Crazy it may seem I just think it can happen.
Well, another thing that has been in my mind for a very long time is Grey’s Anatomy. I so badly miss the bloody series! And seriously, I hate the writers for making it so great to the point that they made the season finale so hard to get over with. I think they should put in mind that some are going gaga over it!!
Okay so much for all of these mumbles. I need to make my life happen!! In much painful terms, I need to pass my failing subjects, finish my half done project, prepare for a hell of a work from my uncle, and try not to lose my self control when I see pastas.
(wow, please bear with me..my mind is kinda dead so I can't think of any title for this post that is not lame..ü)
So here’s the thing, you’d wake up 5:30ish in the morning just to lie awake and think over what has been happening in you bloody life for the past few weeks-months even, when you realized that you don’t know where you’re going from where you are right now (This sentence feels like it’s not making any sense, I hope it does).
I mean, seriously, after almost four years of striving over this freakishly hard thing that I, unintentionally, placed myself into. It was only just a few days ago when I realized that I might have made a mistake or something or some sort or whatever. Because right now, I really do want to find an escape route away from everything, but unfortunately the only escape route that I can see may lead me to ruins, in short, it’s utterly stupid. So right now, I feel stuck in a certain timeframe and no matter how much I try to keep the time going or passing or whatever, it won’t budge. And so it’s hard, so hard, that sometimes I think that I’m maybe making a fool of myself from all of these. It’s just so complex right now that I just want to stop for a whole day and breathe, just breathe, be numb and completely be taken away from the thoughts of this preposterous insanity. But unfortunately I just can’t find any reason to do so, so here I am moving, thinking, and trying to unstuck myself from this stupid thing.
So, in the end, after thinking all about these stuff (well in my case, taking all these screaming words out of my mind) you’d realize that you’d it’s just a complete waste of effort and time (and rest).
I don't really know if this is a finished thing or what...
I'm just always getting hung up at the moment..so I don't know..I can't really finish what I've started...
Tell me not to stay,
For in the fading time I say
“Come, let’s go, and run away”
No one should hear us
For we shall disappear at dusk
Even magic can’t save us
The little sparkle in this play
We bid good bye-silent day;
Feeling the sounds of May
Come, let us not go back
Let’s go far and never turn back
For no one should see us
Let’s completely forget
The blue eyes that make our minds set;
The pains I won’t regret
Come, let us not return;
Experience every twists and turns
For I feel our hearts burn
Words can’t make what we make
And go far away without break
In this secret lives we take
Come, leave and run away
Live with me ‘til the end of day
For I will live with you-
Forever
Still forever…
