My overkill…

Have you ever experience walking in the rain even though you have an umbrella with you?

I guess, that question pretty much depict my current regret, because if you haven’t done it yet, well you’re missing one heck of an experience. What I mean is, sometimes you don’t really need to protect yourself, hide under things or even put your guards up just to prevent yourself from breaking or showing your true color. Because sometimes it is what you really needed-an exposure to things that you have been trying to avoid for the longest time.

That just happened to me, though I have done it so many times, it was only now when I realized that I have missed out on so many things that might have made things a lot easier.

I have never failed on drawing the line, showing my complete limitation and building up fences that will protect me from painful damages that people might bring to me. But the thing is, little did I know, I am causing more damage to myself. And before I knew it, I have trapped myself inside this closed area, away from people, suffocated and stranded in the present that has caused much trepidation-I have done it too much.

"Throw caution to the wind"

That’s what I’ve been putting in my mind lately. For if I have done it earlier, I might’ve met people that might help me see things better. So, it’s what I am going to do now that I have a chance to start over again. I am going to throw caution to the wind, take off those lines and fences and let myself be exposed to the things around me. I just need to be prepared to face the things that might come…

the magic that wasn't there...

Can one thing be so perfect – a thing so magical that you have forgotten to see things and realize what’s deeper and much clear? Can one moment be so great that you never really know what’s more or less? I don’t really know. Maybe…

But I guess there are times that we just want to stay it the way it is. No other added stories to make it complicated, just those laughs, those moments together, those simple glimpse that you thought will never end. I guess it will be harder if it’s anything other than something simple.

Sometimes it is really hard to let it all go, yet in the end you have no choice, but to simply turn your back and walk away. I don’t really know why the hell I am writing this or even thinking something so beyond my emotional comprehension. But what if, both of you are there? Just waiting for some sort of fairy tale ending that will definitely change the course of time, life and whatever is in front of you.

It really is very tough to deal with all these circumstances of risking and trying to find whatever you have missed in the right place, or even trying to catch the painful crash of those feeling that seem to blur your sight…

Was there really magic in this kind of story, or simply the reality of it being so complex and beyond reality?

unexpressed...

Words-sometimes words cannot be enough to express everything in you. And what’s more unfortunate is that sometimes, even something as beautiful as music cannot substitute for the tears you want to shed. And what’s worse, you are left with moments- some silent point in time wherein you are left motionless and stunned, without any idea on what the hell to do to be able to move on.

Dusk, I think that’s the best way to describe this feeling. For it shows a hanging time-a struggle between two different dimensions. It gives a mixture of anticipation, depression and relief. A degree wherein you try to appreciate the place on where you are no matter how hard it is, and at the same time you are yearning to go back to the start where in there aren’t any complications, just the basics. But the thing is it’s too late to go back.

And again, that’s one thing. We are sometimes so used on things being so complicated that we forget to just go back to the basic. But how are we going to go back? Everyday we are sent out to a journey wherein we are taught of complexities and perplexities to the point that we are numb and incapable to regaining control of time and live. And then, everything around us is technical.

As I watch the sunset and the lights slowly being turned on as the night take over. I realized that I have been out of control. My grasp for what I have been working hard for had slipped away. And now, in this moment, there are neither words nor music, just this moment. And though it’s far from being a trance, I am motionless, and struggling to have an idea on how to move on…

damned...

Well, it is happening again, as if it is bound to happen. 12 midnight, awake, not a single sign of drowsiness, just full of stress, numbers, cramming, and computations. I can’t believe how fast time is…I can barely follow through the pacing of the world. Well, at least I am doing a better job than last semester, which apparently blew me into pieces.

Now I am again, awake, but unlike before, struggling with multi-tasking. I am fronting the computer, trying to find a way on how to write and layout my freaking project, while thinking of the fastest possible way to solve problems in accounting and then prioritizing the hellish job of mine. Good thing my “boss/uncle” told me that to worry about my studies first before his “books”, well, good for me.

radio…waaah! I am freakishly obsessed with radio(well, I just found out)..I don’t really know why, but no matter how "in" mp3 players are, I just can’t let go of my radio…I need it badly! That’s why I am still hanging on this old phone of mine because of its radio function…I think it’s my only way in knowing what’s new, what’s happening in this world and whatever…

messy…yes, my room is messy again and the thing is, it’s not just my room, I had conquered our living room and dining room because of the huge of numbers of books that I have, from novels to textbooks…all grouped in subjects, usefulness, difficulty and beauty(for my novels..) placed in an organized way, open in pages where I last left it and ready for reading…

I can’t wait for sembreak! Which is in about two weeks!

just an ordinary rainy day...

How could just one note, a single stroke, the simplest sound be of so much impact to one person? And when you thought that doing just about everything is the answer, the questions would simply twist everything. And before you know it, you’re back in phase one.

Sometimes you just need someone to talk to, so that you can hear yourself-not them. Because sometimes, hearing yourself would simply give every reason in the world to fight back and be stronger.

And then the worst happened. You realize, at some point, what you need to hold you back is the one thing that you have been trying to let go of for the longest time.

I think no one really is fine. For if there is so much to think about in one day, what would give a person the reason to be better. And, yes, there is simply too much-to take, to muster, to think of, to solve, to write, to see, to sing and most especially to fight for.

And when it ends-when the day ends, what else would be left for you, just an ordinary rainy day or better yet, a bitter song? But what really matters is that after looking out the window, thinking that those droplets of rain are your tears and the same time writing your bitterest song, you still have the energy, the strength, and the will to see the next daylight.

ocean of strangers...

Burns-scars-vile; I can’t seem to think of other words to relate what I have been seeing through my eyes for the past 23 hours. It’s utterly jarring to just let it all in. It’s the same feeling as walking through an ocean of strangers; going against their current as they look at you disapprovingly for facing them and not following what they thought is the right way for complete deliverance. Maybe if I look back into their eyes and see through it, then they will realize that it’s doesn’t really matter.

It’s the complete strangeness of strangers that had made me afraid to sit down with them and talk to them and follow their paths to “nowhere-ness”. Not even a simple smile can work for them.

I don’t really know. But isn’t it too much to just be an open door and let everybody in without caution. I can’t really argue more, but maybe at some point it is very much better than blocking even the slightest opening in you. Because at some time not so futuristic from this moment you will realize that you haven’t really protected yourself from the strangeness of everybody. You just made things a lot worse by trapping yourself in and simply let all the strangeness in you devour you alive into what stranger think of as, again, “nowhere-ness” (I like this term! J But there’s no such thing in the dictionary).

Maybe every episode of those passing moments in the ocean of strangers can be as liberating as running naked in an avenue. But the difference is...it’s a struggle to sail across that ocean and against it. For every moment you pass by it, you loose something more important than the one you want on the other side….

somewhere only we know...(hope you'll like it!)

story inspired by the cd na bigay ni chezka!! kaya ginawa kong girl yung narrator..kasi si chezka yun!!

I opened my eyes and realized that the sun had finally set. The purplish sky is slowly turning black as the stars emerge in the infinite space of nothingness. I don’t really know how long had I been here, lying in the field, thinking of the deep irony of sad truths.

How could things just end up this way? I keep asking to myself. I can still feel his presence beside me. His very heartbeat that I once thought had existed for just one reason-me. Clearly there are just too much and yet, still, time is naught.

I move my fingers to feel his warm hand beside mine. How such move could bring so many words in my lips, and yet, none of those seem to escape my soul. Moments, that is all what is left in this time. And no matter how much I have tried to grasp harder, there seems to be something stronger than what I have been feeling inside.

Moments-just moments; No music, no tears, no smiles, not even a deep breath can measure this times. Could I ever survive this? I want to hold his hand for the very last time. To trace every moment of happiness as his hand perfectly fits mine. To feel his warmth inside me, feeding my very spirit and taking me into a deep trance.

It is just too hard to stand up, and face everything alone again. I wanted to close my eyes again to fill myself with darkness again, to be numb again, and to have this falling feeling again in me.

“I should go.” He said in a blank tone

I wanted to stop him. Pull him back, and have him again. But I know there’s nothing much to do, but to let all these tears flow endlessly and indefinitely. No voice can pull me back into being whole again.

“Yes, you should go.” I replied.

I close my eyes. There is nothing left for me to say now. I want to stand up, follow him, stop the time, and remain with him. But no matter how painful this is, I can’t see any reason to do so anymore. I guess this is what really life is, a feeling so painful that reminds you of how human you are, how vulnerable you are and how real everything is.

drowning...

“Pointless” that is what my friend said after telling her how I felt after staying under the pool for about a minute.

drowning by ~spaaaaaacecadet on deviantART

Well, it is kinda crazy, but I think it worked for me. It’s one of the many things that I had ever wanted to feel. You know, the feeling of being so weightless, so light, that no matter how much you wanted to be down you just keep on floating like a wandering soul waiting for its time to be consumed by something far better than the limbo. It is such bliss for me to hear all those screams and laughs that seem so distant from me. Yes, that is how I wanted to feel for some time, to be far away, to wander around and to feel no burden inside me, but just like any slap on the face, fate had already written it for so long that you have no choice but to rise up again and face all those people enjoying the time of their lives with a smile.

I guess, at some point of one’s happiness, a person still yearns to have this momentary stillness that, even though, it is more that enough he would still wish for it to be longer. But the thing is, wanting it too much is so foolish, because when you had too much bliss of comfort you will end up falling with a loud painful thud at the end.

I want to be weightless, at some give time, because right now I would just want to realize that this reality I am living in is much better than any other thing that consists of being whole and without any stress…

all eyes...

Nocturnal-Whisper stock-18 by ~NocturnalWhisper-St on deviantART

He would open his eyes to see the setting of the sun-there’s no rhythm. Silence, maybe. For as he slowly lifts his feet to dance, he can barely remembers the last embrace of the words that had took him away from the noise made by the past. Had I been the witness of his paradox-maybe? But there’s no timing slow enough to move along with him, not even the slightest momentum to pull him back from his strong delirium.

He would look up the darkening sky, the colors reflecting the lights that flash back in him. He would whisper the faint chants to move back, maybe, to take off the regrets he is feeling inside. No matter how much he had moved forward his eyes still contours what seems to be a part where everyone doesn’t want to let go of. There were no colors to reveal his melancholy, for as he passed through the deepest abyss he would simply fade out. I can see he had run out of memories to fulfill and dreams to remember.

Maybe it’s the scent? The addictive and distinctive scent of losing what was way beyond any paradigm. It’s was all make believe. For as I watch him close his eyes and fall back there is nothing to remember him of, nothing to sought after. For now, he had been a phantom…

self destruct..

Mr. Self Destruct by ~teruus on deviantART

I was feeing under the weather for the few days, and all that I was able to do in my free time is lie on my bed, listen to my radio, and imagine things that I think will trigger some self-destruct button in me.

It’s crazy to think that there is so much in me that is frail, as of the moment, and all it takes for me to explode into pieces is just a wrong move. But that, for me, is one of the greatest messes in one’s life. Because, at some point, you know that doing something beyond the line can cause so much destruction and yet you still do it. It’s something so enticing, something you just can’t ignore, something you just have to bite into. I guess this is how I live my 17-year-old life. It’s a complete balance of seriousness and wildness. It’s like knowing what direction you should take but once in a while, you would try to get lost and follow whatever you are feeling to do so and discover another world beyond the rules and then using your brain to get back on the right way. Some may think it’s dangerous, it’s insane, and it’s simply evil, but I think there’s a huge difference between experiencing something and going beyond your limitations (wow I think this is another lame excuse for me to drink! But I am done with it na!).

I am very sure that the game that I am playing is painful and dangerous but I would rather live like this with so much caution, knowing which lines to cross and not, rather that isolating myself from all the evil that surrounds me and making myself more vulnerable to the bites of reality. It’s a matter of knowing your limitation, right?……ü

on stage...

You open your eyes, the curtains roll back, you hear the music play, and the spot light is on you. Strings attached- you move as the hand above you moves along the sound. You sing, dance, laugh, cry, and every now and then you get surprised by some twist that you never knew existed until it happened.

Life is, for me, is like a huge play- a musical, an act or even worse, a puppet show. One thing in common, though, everything is planned ahead. There’s a script, a story, or at least, a faint glimpse of what to do. You know what song to sing at that moment. You know when to scream your lungs out, when to jump around, or even fool around. You know you will meet other characters, though you don’t really know them, you are ready to meet such people. You know at some point, you have to put a mask, try to cover what you really are feeling. For as people watch you run along and act along the beautifully written tale of yours, you learn to accept that you have to please everybody.

But the greatest irony of it, my most hated part, is the big things. It happens in any part of the play- it just happens. It’s when you thought you have everything pinned down for good but to your surprise it has pinned you down instead. It is when all of the sudden you realize that there is no music to play anymore, no song to sing, no story to follow, and no strings attached to guide you. It’s when you find out that it’s all about you; it’s all about your song, your story, and your own strings. It is when you have to write your own script-everyday a blank page waiting to be filled up by no one else but you. It’s when it doesn’t really matter if you have a face sans mask, for you won’t care about others anymore, because you have to think of yourself first. It’s when you can’t just sleep at night, trying to muster all your strength to get yourself through it. It’s when, all you ever wanted to do is not an arms reach, but rather, an ocean, on which you are trying to build a bridge to get over with.

In the end, it’s all up to you. In the end, you are to define everything. And in the end, it’s your choice if that play will have a happy ending.

weekly psycho babble...

This week for me is kinda weird, fun yet tiring. It is like a pointless, boring, everyday weirdness chronicle which contains such phrases: getting lost in EDSA, Vampire dreams, and three straight sleepless nights followed by two straight days of nothing but pure sleep.

Well, EDSA is my newest playground. If I want to fool around and escape the relentless pains and pressures of school, all I have to do is take a bus ride (I don’t like MRT! It will cause so much insanity to me!) to Galleria or Megamall!
It started when I was asked to claim something for my sister at Robinson’s Galleria. It’s kinda scary at first because of some people looking all bad and suspicious. Heck I was even approach by some stranger asking me to come with him because there’s some crime happened in somewhere (unfortunately I am not that stupid to come). Well, I had fun, so I won’t regret doing it all over again. And yes it happened last Wednesday when I was asked to run some errand at Megamall. Plus I get to eat Krispy Kreme (may free doughnut pa ako nung bumili ako!!) (try the new Hershey’s on Krispy Kreme! Waah! May dark chocolate flavor pa!)

It was Wednesday night when I found out that we no have classes the next day and on Friday! So after reviewing for three straight nights and getting almost no sleep! I decided to relax and read the book that I bought last week (Interview with the Vampire). I haven’t finished the book yet though, because every time I read it, I will suddenly fall asleep after an hour. So I ended up sleeping the whole Thursday and almost 2/3 of this Friday. Plus, whenever I sleep I only dream of one thing, the book that I am reading. But the thing is it is not scary, because in my dream, I am the Vampire!

Well, that pretty much wraps up my week…it’s weird though... And I think this post is one of the many psycho babbles that I just have to take out of my system…

back to business...

Monday, 3 in the morning, under my blanket, awakened by the vibration of my phone; 50 messages received. Can my life be weirder, fifty messages, most of which came from people I don’t know? Well, it doesn’t really matter now, because when I rose from my bed I realized that this week is a road to hell. I must have dozed off, because the lights are still on, the door is open, and I wasn’t able to turn off my radio. I looked around my room and, there, I saw so many things that I haven’t taken care of: crumpled worksheets, laundered clothes that needs sorting, unpacked luggage, stuffs that I bought last Monday and was untouched ever since, a screwed up planner (need to buy a new one), receipts everywhere, piles of textbooks that was left open (so that I can access my lessons easily), index cards (my new notebook), bottles of C2, Pepsi, and mineral water.

My life is so messy and I think it will be a lot messier as time passes. I never thought of my room being so wasted on the early part of this semester. I guess I have been busy. But how could I be busy, when all I did this week is eat, get lost in EDSA, look for a TRANSFORMERS action figure, watch movies, and sleep? Then it came to me, I lost track of my stuffs!!! I looked at my screwed up planner and saw nothing written on the current week and the next week.

Damn, that is all I can say.

I wanted to clean my room but the thing is, as of the moment, it will be easier for me to find all the important stuffs that I place somewhere in the four corners of my room as long as I can remember where exactly I threw it (east, west, north or south). (For the record, I am so not proud of this)

I looked at my planner again and try to remember all the stuffs that I have to put in mind. Good thing, all of my quizzes are done last week, and I have no work for a month! So all I have to worry about is my studies and my father’s monthly tax report thing for the BIR. So I guess it is time for me to go back to the dirty business that I have escaped from last week. And, again, I am to bury my face into those thick books, stay up until two in the morning, drown myself with endless caffeine and try to understand the weirdness of accounting.

I yawned the moment I closed my planner. I looked at my clock and realized it was still 3:30am. So I took a post-it, write a reminder to fix my stuffs tomorrow, threw my planner somewhere east of my room (got to remember that!), and try to sleep again(Heck! I am going to make the most out of this sleep! Plus, I know that a long sleep like this is very rare so I have to grab the opportunity!)…… I am so going to be ready for my hell week!

overspending...

I was on my way home from school when I realized that I only have 20 bucks left in my wallet! Good thing I have an extra 100 bucks that I keep in my bag in case of emergencies like this.

I can’t believe I overspent this week, and the bad part is I can’t even remember where and when did I spent that almost two weeks worth of allowance. I can’t believe I got carried away, again, in spending for things that aren’t even that important. I always remember my mom scolding me about spending too much and how money can’t be found just about anywhere.

It’s kind of a shame for me not to be able to trace all my expenses in a week, heck, I am an accounting, and one of my future jobs is to track all the expenses of a business entity, and clearly I have failed doing it now.

I can’t really explain why I spend so much on things that aren’t that necessary, I mean, I try checking my wallet for some receipts that might remind me of the things that I bought and here are some :

1. Two orders of California Maki from Tokyo Tokyo (my goodness, I think I know why I had allergies yesterday, so much for my cravings…)
2. One frap, two slices of cake and a cinnamon swirl (okay, I remember not being able to finish those…sheeesh)
3. 100pesos worth of load (it’s the seller’s mistake so I decided to pay for it...I said 15 I don't know where on earth did she get the idea that I want 100pesos worth of load)

Waaah! I think I had a gluttonous week! I must learn to be thrifty! I can’t afford to overspend anymore!

home...back home..

After staying in my uncle’s house for about a week, doing nothing but watching television all day (some think it is fun, but I am not a TV person, I barely watch TV, except Grey’s Anatomy!), I am back home. I can’t explain how happy I am the moment I stepped in my home. And when my cute little doggie, Lucky, ran towards me I really felt that I am so home…

my doggie! lucky!

It is quite ironic for me to find it hard to adjust and adapt to some other houses and to be sane without my parents and siblings, because I always look forward to having my own place to live in and be independent (I am so excited to be independent). It’s not that I want to escape the tight rules of my parents or something, I am given enough freedom. I think it is because I just want to learn the reality of fighting life without really having someone do it for me. But, right now, I think I won’t be able to leave our house, I think I am so attached to everything that has got to do with our home. Plus I realized that I am not really ready to face the “no rule” kind of life that most of old people are experiencing, I think I am not really ready for such responsibility. It will be much harder for me to live without any rules to live by than doing whatever I want…I am still seventeen; I don’t want to fast forward everything for now…I just want to stay in my same old home and be there until I reach 50? Hehe…

"I mean, seriously. Don't be fooled by all the hot shoes and the great sex and the no parents anywhere telling you what to do. Adulthood is responsibility" - Merideth Grey (Grey's Anatomy)

dreams...

It has come to my senses that dreams are one of the many evils in this world. For if you are unfortunate enough, it will leave you hanging on the edge of the cliff...


midnight dreams by ~andrebernardo on deviantART

It is an empty river leading you somewhere blurry...the more clear your dream is, the more vague everything will be...


Dreaming is like a free fall, disguised by some mystery with the thought of it being one of the most memorable experience you can have. As you fall, you close your eyes, feeling every bliss that it sends to your body inch by inch...



Free Fall by ~Quiky on deviantART


but in reality, as you fall, you don't close your eyes. You will see everything that passes you, the light, the time, the tide and the pain...and seconds before you hit the ground, it's when you are going to close your eyes, pass out until what is left is a huge thud and a flat tone...


Free Fallin by `gilad on deviantART

(If I dream...and I fall...will anyone catch me..?)

2am Rants...

2am…still up and jittery, studying since 8pm, drank 4 cups of tea and counting, answered most of the problems in our assignment and soon I will be moving on to the practical applications of our current lesson. Am I going to be like this for the next 3 years? Or worse, oh my gosh, will it be worse?!! What about work?! So much for my social life!

Accounting, who would’ve thought of it being very very very HARD! (I can’t believe I let my family talked me into this life…). Now, I sit here in our quiet dining room looking around, trying to avoid the numbers and theories of every single thing that involves accounting. But I have no choice. I have to bury my face into those thick books written by some “accounting gods”, ignoring the screams and shout of my brain pleading for me to give him some break from analyzing something beyond human comprehension.

I think accounting can bring so much drama in ones life, a little bit of tragedy and a handful of comedy. It’s like a huge TV series, consisting of so many characters crazed by the sacred course, accounting. Well, if it is going to be like that, hopefully, the TV series that I am living in is like Grey’s Anatomy and my character’s story is like Dr. Isabel Stevens. Waah! Will it be like hers? Will I find love in accounting? Will I loose that person from some grave mistake that Ii will do? And when she dies will I inherit 8.7 million dollars??!!!! If I have that huge amount of money, I won’t study anymore! hehehe…right now, I would like to put up our Christmas tree and lie under it since ,I think it’s, the only place fun and peaceful as of the moment…. crap, I just realized that it’s the caffeine talking, not me… (I think tea and tequilla have the same effect if drank without moderation)

I have to sleep..I have to sleep…have to wake up at 5am for school…sleep..sleep…

Some Friday the 13th

Right now, I would like to plug in our old betamax player and find some old scary movie to frighten myself out of this boredom that my parents had given me. But instead of wetting my pants out of fear, I am sitting in our living room, listening to some loud music, eating adobong pork and letting myself be killed by the boredom of being alone in the house. (I SHOULD BE WATCHING TRANSFORMERS!! )

waaah so cool! I love the morbidity of Jason!

My favorite horror movie! The only one that made me shreik!

What else can I do but to accept this fate of mine and just sleep my way through the day? But I think it’s okay, I mean, I’ve seen enough action for this day. Thanks to my classmate who thought of fighting on some, thought to be, auspicious day would be cool. It’s amazing to watch them make things fly in the air and shouting curses as if it’s the spell that can make things fly(maybe they’ve already watched Harry Potter and they just can’t get over it)! But I pity one of my classmates who got hit by the thick book of Financial Accounting on the head. I could swear she wants to scream Avada Kedavra (is the spelling right? I kinda forgot) while pointing her pen to the girl who threw it to her. I can’t really recall how it all started and how it also ended. I think they gave everyone some memory loss spell, because all I can remember is we had a surprise quiz in math because of the commotion they made. waaah! Happy Friday the 13th!ü

sad, very sad...

I hate how life always left you breathless, or how time would just be so fast for you to cope up with, and when you get the hang of everything that is happening to you, all of the sudden, something new will pull you back down to where you started. I have been very very sad for the past few days. Dazed by all life’s works and perplexities, silenced by the noise that had been wailing around me, and now, I feel like I’ve been left hanging on the edge of a cliff, trying to chase time and pull back whatever passed in my life.
I can’t believe it, I just can’t. How could all these happen within a day or two? First, my life, my studies, and whatever there is that had kept me awake for the past week then this. I thought I am getting the hang of it, but all of the sudden I am, again, blinded. I can’t believe that Spike, my dog, died just like that. It is way beyond my comprehension, way beyond my expectation. I hate surprises, and no matter how much I try to take it all in, there are just things that you wish when you open your eyes are back and still the same. I will Spike so much, I will miss how he runs around me whenever I open our front door. I will miss his noisy barks whenever I arrive from school. I will miss everything in him, for he has been part of my life for the past ten years. I will miss Spike…

...I wish on a falling star
To conquer my sorrow
Seeing you, though afar
In times we borrowed
But now there is nothing
Just the memoirs of you
And I am missing you…

Learning to juggle... (some library thoughts)

I sit here in the middle of the silent room trying to understand the definition of responsibility and prioritizing. Because, right now, no matter how much I try to get things done and understand all those weirdness in my course all that I was able to do is stare at the blank space of this large air-conditioned room. Waaah! How can I concentrate, when my stomach keeps on shouting to my brain to get the food in my bag and eat it(RAWR), then add up my unusually heavy eyelids that keeps on falling.

If I can describe my whole situation right now, I am an amateur juggler struggling his way on his first exhibition, complaining inside how hard it is but can’t drop anything ‘cause everything he puts in the air is everything he is, and with just one drop from one of those things his everything will fall apart. How I wish this staged program will be over, or much better it won’t and I will just get the hang of it and continue performing without any hesitation.

All I can think of or all I can dream of, right now, is my ultimate-vacation-dream-thing and that is a road trip somewhere very far, far away from here, where I can spread my arms and fell the gushing of the wind on me. But, unfortunately, when I open my eyes, it all ends. And I am back in my plain school library where all I can do is watch two lesbians getting it on, some freshmen breaking the silence of the room from time to time, and some utterly tired students sleeping and drooling (maybe and hopefully ;) ) on their financial accounting books. Okay, right now, I have made a decision to go home and continue my sleep-walking-studying past time there.

Random thoughts:
Need a new planner!
Gotta cancel my reservation in Greenbelt for HP! *teary eyes*
How much is a brand new phone nowadays?
I want krispy kremes!

Eskimo – Damien Rice
Tiredness fuels empty thoughts
I find myself disposed
Brightness fills empty space
In search of inspiration
Harder now with higher speed
Washing in on top of me so