Monday!
Ate chocolate for breakfast
Drank my first coffee for the semester
Experience my first every afternoon class
Ate fishball!(miss eating one!)
killed a whole community of ants = 10 casualties and over a hundred deaths!
harhar...loved my monday...it's so monday-eeee
“Is there a liability in such case, Mr. Laririt?”
“Damn” I muttered to myself.
Of all the students in my class why do I have to be the first one to be called and answer my professor’s surprise recitation in our first official class?
Crap! I stood there, literally shaking, trying to remember all the things that I have read in my book to be able to create the perfect reason or argument for my answer. All eyes are on me, I can feel it, and most of it are expressing the anticipation of what fate will I have, the moment I answer our professor.
Though I’ve been only standing for about a minute and a half, it feels like it’s been ages. Plus, watching my professor walking around our classroom waiting for me to answer his goddamn question is like living in hell and having no certainty of when it will end.
It took me another half minute to find my voice and answer. Though I know I have said it completely and with substance, I only heard myself uttering the words “if ever, whatever, and possession”.
Then my professor walk towards me and said, “Good enough.”
-And that’s the highlight of my day… a complete system of struggle for survival on my first day… (I almost had a nervous breakdown!)
Have you ever experience walking in the rain even though you have an umbrella with you?
I guess, that question pretty much depict my current regret, because if you haven’t done it yet, well you’re missing one heck of an experience. What I mean is, sometimes you don’t really need to protect yourself, hide under things or even put your guards up just to prevent yourself from breaking or showing your true color. Because sometimes it is what you really needed-an exposure to things that you have been trying to avoid for the longest time.
That just happened to me, though I have done it so many times, it was only now when I realized that I have missed out on so many things that might have made things a lot easier.
I have never failed on drawing the line, showing my complete limitation and building up fences that will protect me from painful damages that people might bring to me. But the thing is, little did I know, I am causing more damage to myself. And before I knew it, I have trapped myself inside this closed area, away from people, suffocated and stranded in the present that has caused much trepidation-I have done it too much. "Throw caution to the wind"
That’s what I’ve been putting in my mind lately. For if I have done it earlier, I might’ve met people that might help me see things better. So, it’s what I am going to do now that I have a chance to start over again. I am going to throw caution to the wind, take off those lines and fences and let myself be exposed to the things around me. I just need to be prepared to face the things that might come…
I always like my coffee black, with only a small amount of sugar, and a little milk for some creamy sensation. That’s one of my few outlets of stress, a laid back moment, some smooth music and a good book to read. That’s my world, not a single strand of chaos should enter it, or some smoky place that would entrance you to some endless dancing and screaming.
Yep, that’s me, someone who doesn’t like much chaos in his life. Well, that’s what I just realized some three hours ago. So I guess, no matter how much I have tried to go with the cool music being played, it will never be my world.
And now, I am back here, fronting the computer listening to some slow music with my cup coffee feeling much relieved unlike a while ago, full of worries on how to survive the non-stop dancing of people getting wild and not to catch the smell of their cigars (unfortunately I failed, I smell like an ashtray, and hopefully my parents won’t notice it…hehehe).
I am well off silent, enjoying the cool breeze in our balcony or the cute music of some bossa nova-ish sounds in some cafés. No letting go and throwing caution in the air. Knowing that there’s no trouble coming towards me without such warning is enough for me. No other people, just myself, or if ever, I am with my closest friends sharing life, secrets and experiences.
I wouldn’t endure such noise to just let myself loose again. And though I sound a little bit nerdy, geeky, or dead, it wouldn’t matter anymore, at least I can very much express myself and most importantly, be myself….
After experiencing one whole semester in hell due to relentless sleepless nights and crappy frustrations, I have realized that I lost my proper sense of expressing myself. I guess it is because I barely have enough time to have some stroll without thinking of how to solve problems, relax my mind or even open a book and finish it without destroying my whole schedule.
It’s been a complete struggle, and though it has been almost a week since our vacation started, I am still having a hard time to find the right words to make complete sense of things that I want to say. I guess, even though all my accounting books are already neatly placed in one corner of my room and will not be opened until early next month, I still am trapped in the freaking world of “responsibility”…
to my surprise a while ago, I involuntarily made a schedule for the whole week, took down some reminders on how to survive another month of book keeping to prevent myself from being fired (regular na pala ako according to my uncle!hahaha), and made a list of things to be done before the break ends…I am finding it really hard to adjust from being busy to having more than enough time to complete a week’s worth of work in a day. But I really am hoping to have those expressing mojos back again. But even though I am missing my busy life, I am so thankful God created sembreak!
I always fret the day when a friend of mine would come to me, tell me their biggest problem in the world and then expect the greatest enlightenment from me. But all I can do is just stare at him and tell him that life’s like that and all they have to do is just deal with the fucking life.
Like I said in my previous post, I prevent, that’s the only thing that I can do. So I haven’t got any slightest ideas on how to be able to survive a serious heartache, a freaking consequence from irresponsible drinking, a crappy friend, or even a mistake done with complete consciousness.
You might think that I am such a selfish weirdo who just can’t give some damn crazy whatever. But here the thing, I am trying, I am so fucking trying to think of things to say that might help you get your life and move on…
So don’t get all mad at me when I get all speechless and kind of avoid you when you are forcing me to say something to just make you feel better, because that’s not my thing…all I can do is, be there and tell you “ikaw kasi eh”
It found me to hold me
But I don't like it at all
Won't feed it,
Won't grow it
It's folded in my stomach;
It's not fair,
I found love;
It made me say that.
Get back,
You'll never see daylight;
If I'm not strong it just might.
I am feeling blabbery today/tonight. I mean I just want to type and talk without pause about things that are very much senseless to every freaking human being in the world so pardon me for posting this junk
Damn I guess this is how I am coping up with all the frustrations disappointment depressions and infatuations in life Crap everyday seems a complete struggle for me Yep every minute seems a fight against complete meltdown nervous breakdown schizophrenia stress and megalomania Thank God I am still alive at this very moment – whew! no stopping! Gotta catch my breath!
Yep, after everything that I have been through, I am very glad that I have never been diagnosed with some mental illness. Yep, after some repetitive reading of my accounting book, relentless answering of problem and continuous thinking of PFRS (woah sosyal! PFRS!!!), I guess it some miracle that I am still normal- I hope.
Where are those tequila shots when you need them!! drinking coffee is getting boring..and tea starts to taste like what it should be in the first place-GRASS! Gawd..I can’t wait ‘til I am legal! I am so gonna drink everything there is to drink just to forget this freaking clutters in my head.
When it come to frustrations! All I can say is: what the hell is going on!!? I mean, I have neglected two subjects and no matter how much I have been trying to regain control over it, it seems like one of it really has to be some sacrificial thingie! Well, I am so not gonna let myself fail!
And how about depressions!? Fu*k! I need to be happy! I need anti depressants! Waaah! That is why I made some secret dream…and that is to be a barista in starbucks..because..they seems to be very very very very very very happy not matter what..doing all those barista jobs..yeah..
Infatuation!!?oh my god!!! I don’t know what has gotten into me!!!! I mean, yeah! I am some normal teenage guy who has hormones that can pretty much mess up things! But, damn…it really is hard to concentrate!! Especially when she’s in your accounting class! Goodness!
Okay..this is getting to much! I can’t stop anymore…haayyy…breathe…I am gonna stop na! I am going to turn off this computer and go to sleep! Think about all these things tomorrow…
This morning I was forced to walk in the rain. Well, I thought it would be fun, but the moment I got in our classroom and felt a sudden chill and dizziness I have completely regretted what I have done. Then it came to me, it had reminded me of something that I had been trying to deal with for about a month, and now, it has been larger since I last left it hanging in me.
It has been, what, about a year since I last thought of things to be so disappointing. For I think no matter how things suck sometimes, it would be much better to just deal with it the best way you can and continue doing the things you are supposed to do.
But I guess, when things stunned you and caught you off guard, it will continuously flow in. And no matter how you try to fill yourself with other stuffs to think of and do, you cannot escape the jarring bothersome feeling of being somewhat somehow affected.
I prevent. That’s one of the best things that I can do. Learn from other people’s views and past experiences and try not to let it happen to me. It’s one whole game plan. Prevent things from happening. For I know, when it happens, I will never ever know what to do.
It’s a perfect game plan because right now, none of what I thought will completely dissipate me is not happening to me. But what’s harder is, it is happening to people I know. And seeing them kinda fluctuate or even falter makes it even worse that I have expected. And the thing is I don’t even know what to say to them. It is as if, it would be best to just stay silent and let it just sink in and do nothing…
But would it be more tragic if I did nothing? Well, I don’t know…
transformers!!!
“Pointless” that is what my friend said after telling her how I felt after staying under the pool for about a minute.
Well, it is kinda crazy, but I think it worked for me. It’s one of the many things that I had ever wanted to feel. You know, the feeling of being so weightless, so light, that no matter how much you wanted to be down you just keep on floating like a wandering soul waiting for its time to be consumed by something far better than the limbo. It is such bliss for me to hear all those screams and laughs that seem so distant from me. Yes, that is how I wanted to feel for some time, to be far away, to wander around and to feel no burden inside me, but just like any slap on the face, fate had already written it for so long that you have no choice but to rise up again and face all those people enjoying the time of their lives with a smile.
I guess, at some point of one’s happiness, a person still yearns to have this momentary stillness that, even though, it is more that enough he would still wish for it to be longer. But the thing is, wanting it too much is so foolish, because when you had too much bliss of comfort you will end up falling with a loud painful thud at the end.
I want to be weightless, at some give time, because right now I would just want to realize that this reality I am living in is much better than any other thing that consists of being whole and without any stress…
Hanging out!
I had so much fun! I think it was summer since I last fooled around, talked and laughed hard with my friends. Oh how I miss them so much!
having fun with the costumes in the studio
more costumes!
cat's pictorial for her debut!Accountancy…
I really don’t know why the heck I keep blogging about this weirded part of my life. I think it is because this is what is currently taking over my life. And as our midterm approaches, I am giving myself lesser time for leisure and other stuffs and more time reading, solving problems, and trying to understand the momentum of whatsoever is in the assets stuffs of a business entity (okay I don’t need anyone to understand that part… I don’t either).
Norah Jones…
I’ve been a little fan of Norah Jones lately. It helps me to relax a little bit. I listen to her songs whenever I take breaks from reviewing, before going to sleep and even the moment I wake up. I like listening to her songs! Especially “come away with me” it makes me want to just take off with my imaginary convertible car, go to our province, enjoy the warm rays of the sun, feel the cool breeze of the sea while listening to it’s utterly soft songs created by it waves, and then fill myself up with my favorite food, crabs, and not minding how red I will look for the next few hours because of allergic reaction.
I was feeing under the weather for the few days, and all that I was able to do in my free time is lie on my bed, listen to my radio, and imagine things that I think will trigger some self-destruct button in me.
It’s crazy to think that there is so much in me that is frail, as of the moment, and all it takes for me to explode into pieces is just a wrong move. But that, for me, is one of the greatest messes in one’s life. Because, at some point, you know that doing something beyond the line can cause so much destruction and yet you still do it. It’s something so enticing, something you just can’t ignore, something you just have to bite into. I guess this is how I live my 17-year-old life. It’s a complete balance of seriousness and wildness. It’s like knowing what direction you should take but once in a while, you would try to get lost and follow whatever you are feeling to do so and discover another world beyond the rules and then using your brain to get back on the right way. Some may think it’s dangerous, it’s insane, and it’s simply evil, but I think there’s a huge difference between experiencing something and going beyond your limitations (wow I think this is another lame excuse for me to drink! But I am done with it na!).
I am very sure that the game that I am playing is painful and dangerous but I would rather live like this with so much caution, knowing which lines to cross and not, rather that isolating myself from all the evil that surrounds me and making myself more vulnerable to the bites of reality. It’s a matter of knowing your limitation, right?……ü
A fun day:
been humming old songs
went to school
ate 2 sundaes from Mcdo
crossed many deep floods
and drenched myself with so much alcohol(ang kati kasi nung baha)...
