the hell with growing!?

It’s been ages since I last put my thoughts on paper (or rather on my blog), and right now, all my thoughts have piled up occupying most of my sane mind. Unfortunately, as much as I want to have more time for leisure and stuff, I barely have any. Actually I don’t even have the time to catch my breath that much. And the only time left in my pocket is only enough for me to be able to get some energy for what lies ahead.

Well, actually, that’s not my main thing in this blogpost. My thoughts right now are pretty much preoccupied by something called growth… I mean, seriously, all of us want to grow, whether physically, emotionally, mentally and whatsoever. But hell, no one really told me it would be so complicated.

It’s weird to be thinking about this right now, because, come to think of it I should know how it is like already. But apparently I decided to experience it just now. Who knew it would be hard, utterly strange, sluggish and exhausting! If only I knew how to deal with it earlier my life would be more fun and less tiring.

Growth, according to my handy dandy dictionary, is some process of becoming larger and more mature!!! Well, it’s some part of it but you get the point. Why on earth do I want to grow!? I really don’t know. But here’s what I learn:

1. Growing means you have to step out of your comfort zone

2. If you want to grow, you have to accept the fact that you’re some pathetic imbecile that will never be good for anything if you just sit on one corner and watch the whole world revolve around you

3. You have to meet other people who are way beyond comprehension!!! Seriously!! Sometimes I run out of ideas how to deal with those people.

4. And some other stuff…

I just realized a while ago how happy I can be with just my notebook and pen!!!! :D

I need more TIME!!!!!!!!

“All of us were given an ample of time- 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and so on. And, yes, it’s more than enough. It’s just a matter of GREAT time management.”

That is one of the many things that one of my friends told me when I kept ranting about not having enough time. It really does make sense. But the thing is it’s awfully hard to be able to distribute time properly to the things that you have to accomplish. I mean, most of the time you get sidetracked by things that is quite hard to ignore. And also, time management is needs heaps of discipline. The thing is I barely have any when it comes to focusing on things to be done. So I guess I really have to do some adjusting.

(So to my friends who are expecting a little of me to spend a night with them! I am so sorry!!! Because all I can say is “so much for my social life”)

Things that made my happy today regardless of how much it ended so “ragefully” (it’s really irritating how exhaustion can really get into people’s nerves!!):

1. my ever cute doggie who just doesn’t give up on making himself cute so that he can get a treat

2. pats on my back for a job-not-so-well-done :D

3. Chocolates!!!

4. No school this Saturday!!!

Cease to exist

What on earth is the meaning of every breathing moment in life? I mean, technically you live, breathe, laugh, cry and even feel a little bit weird sometimes-all of these you do for the sake of existing. I know, reading that two previous sentence may sound ridiculous because basically I MIGHT be missing the point here. But I mean, seriously, of all the years that you’ve been living on this Earth, at some point in time you’d wish that you’ll just cease to exist.

What is it with all the things here? I mean all the things that matter. Because the thing is, they eat you alive. Of course, at first, you want to have this kind of moment when you think you just can’t hope for anything more. But then you realize you just can’t have them. You’d start pulling them out of you but it’s too late for they had sunk so deep into your system that they reached the very core of your humanity. In the end, you’ll just wish to disappear for even a single second, leaving everything behind.

let me end this with a dream...

All that I want...

Isang blogpost na pinauso ni cien!!!! Hehehehehe…

So here’s my wish list that took me a week to complete…whew…who knew that making one is hard work!!

1. CDs!!!!!!

Keane’s Perfect Symmetry and the Gossip Girl Soundtrack(OMFGG)… :D

2. Books!!

JD Salinger’s works and the 2008 winner of man booker prize (I think it’s white tiger, I forgot the title) and Anne Enright’s The Gathering(also shorlisted in man booker prize..I think the book also won..I just can’t remember). The man booker prize org thing always chooses the best books! And Salinger’s style is so addictive that you want to read his books over and over…Haruki Murakami too!!!

3. Lomo Cam

I want the Holga…hehehehe..

4. Molskine Notebook!!!

This would really make me happy!!!

5. Haruki Murakami Planner

I’m not a planner person, but heck, this planner is so cool!!

6. Wallet

Ever since my wallet got stolen back in first year college I have been using my Garfield wallet. The thing is I am getting too old for a Garfield wallet…

7. Watchmen Series

This is the evolution of my love for twilight…I mean, the twilight series is over and I want another vampire series…so why not try a graphic novel? But heck, graphic novels are expensive!! I want to watch true blood too!!!

8. Mango Bravo!!

Seriously! This cake never left my mind the moment I tasted it! It’s heaven!!!!

9. Photographic memory

Who doesn’t need this? I wish I can have Lexie Grey’s memory so that memorizing won’t be a problem! With this, accounting would be slightly easier…

10. Mogwai membership

Mogwai is a small cafe and movie house...you have to be a member to be able to watch their movies…their membership is a little bit pricey…

I need my cigarette break

I don’t really smoke, but I really need to take a breather. You know, the kind that smokers do in the middle of their work just to ease things up. That’s what I want to do, minus the cigar. I mean, seriously, I know it’s just the start of the semester and all but there are a lot of other things that has been happening and it causes my brain to do some overdrive. I think it’s quite usual for people like me to experience that. You know, I’m one of those people who just don’t have any idea what to do next right after the task assigned to him is done. And not really knowing what to do can really drive me crazy. I just need a cigarette break. Maybe a walk will do, or dining out with some of my closest friends or even a long dreamless sleep…

when people go missing...

It’s awfully hard not to have your “person” by you when you really need him/her. I mean, you just need that kind of person who won’t pass any judgment even though you committed murder, felony, fraud or any other illegal stuff-not that I have done anything like that-and that someone you can spend some time with talking in some old café. I really miss my person and unfortunately, for the time being my person has gone missing for reason only the friggin’ heaven know…

I hate it. I hate how things in life can make one so utterly busy and putting a halt into a relationship, may it be romantic or not (and for future references all of my relationships are not romantic). It can get really frustrating, because sometimes you just want to be angry but you just can’t because you don’t know where or whom to be angry at.

Then there are people who are just there. Regardless of how close you are to that person, he or she will just be there, Existing, not even caring if there’s some earthquake or what. Well my point is, there are these people who exist in your life for the sake of existing. But the thing is, you appreciate their presence because it seems that they keep the balance in your life even though they don’t play a big part of it. So when they leave it’s like entering into a new world that is quite hard to be familiar with and it’s utterly hard to adjust…

I just hate it when people go missing…

Trouble

“Trouble been dogging my soul

Since the day I was born”

It was a single drop of rain that woke my senses up. It was a light touch that grew and took over my whole body, taking the numbness out of me. But then what, what will I feel next? The vulnerability will soon sink in and, eventually, forcing me to hide again. I need some place to run to, something that I can grasp and hold on to.

Tell me, will time be always of the essence? Because, the fact that you cannot take it back always left me yearning for more. If only I can delay misery, then maybe, it would be easier to cope.

been through hell...

“How long have you been doing it!?” awestruck, my cousin asked me

“More or less six months,” I replied, “but that was like ages ago and I'm over it.”

That was our last exchange of words because a few seconds after her friend arrived so we have to immediately change our topic. And after that was an awkward silence, which made it easier for me to hide into my thoughts and try to ponder on the words that left my bloody lips.

What I said to my cousin is some secret that was well kept by everyone who knows, also, it was the very reason why I’m trying to change some bloody aspects of my life. I mean, right now, I am hoping that when I look at this time of my life I will just consider it as a phase that every normal person would encounter and, right now, I’m doing a great job on proving it to be one.

So, all I can say about this is that I’ve been through hell and at my age I know I will be back there. I am just hoping that, like before, it would be with my friends so that it will not be boring…

Sophia

Your symphony has never left me, for in the passing time I yearn nothing but to become yours. In the horizon I see noting but your reflection; a reflection that would never fade and would control me completely. In can never end, this feeling, for every time I breathe, I inhale your hypnotizing story into me.

Will there be a moment for me to take you away? This feeling I have in me will never die now. And the mere thought of you is an ecstasy to my mind. Now, I find it hard to wake up, for it ends my dream of gazing upon you forever.

I will always pray that you’d hear me my song. A song which sings only of you and whose dances meant of whatever it means to love you.

Can you see it? Can you feel me? Open your eyes now and let’s run away together.

note : I don't know who Sophia is... :D

photo from : momoclax

once upon a time...

The first page! it's too small though! :D I scanned it!

I was cleaning my room when I found an old story that I wrote for my friend to celebrate her love life… (Go Tinkerbell!!!) I really miss writing, but it’s really unfortunate that I really can’t find anything to write about. I guess it’s because my mind has been fully taken over by my studies and it’s was just last Friday when I was able to completely clear up my mind from the worries of failing…and right now I am making up for lost time and by the time I’m starting to catch up, I’m already going to school again, worrying about passing again…whew…I never thought this vacation is too short for me…I need more time!!! SIGH!!!!

Between what is right and what you want… (again?)

Okay, seriously, I have contained myself for the longest time in my whole life. The last time I decided to let go of all the pressures in life without really caring about my surroundings was May 31, 2008, which was ages ago! So, it was when I was talking to my friend on the phone when I realized how much I am dying to have a night out with my old bar buddies (wewt!)! Waaah! I don’t know, I mean, I am DYING go out right now and just have some fun. I guess it’s kinda hard to ignore the party blood once it got injected into your system. I mean, the great music, the relentless dancing, and uhm..well, the occasional drinks put you in a state of trance that would simply be etched onto your brain making you crave for more. I promised myself that I won’t be doing this anymore since, I don’t know, it’s kinda getting old for me but I guess it just won’t go away! Drinks anyone? :D

I WANT ONE!!

It’s quite weird and useless to be talking about notebooks, but for those who don’t know, I love buying notebooks for no reason at all. Well, mostly for the sake of me having something to doodle or scribble on since most of the time, thoughts would seeps out of my effin’ brain. So here’s the thing: I found a very cool notebook that I really, really, REALLY want to buy!!! It’s kind of weird, but I would consider notebooks as one of my luxuries in life!!! :D but another thing is…it costs over a thousand pesos (a thousand pesos if you order it…)! Wuhuhuhu… so right now I am battling practicality over wants or wants over practicality or whatever! Another thing that made the decision making harder is I have a great reason to buy one! :D

untold chronicles of silence

.silence is bronze. by ~cisya on deviantART

I lie here in silence, for silence is all I have. My spirit has been stripped off its feeling, numbing me completely. Can anyone tell me of melancholy? For in melancholy I would sing.

I lie here in the darkness for I have turned myself blind. With the desires for the things I see, I turned my back from life. Now, every vein in my body seeps out of stories of wild ecstasy of relentless pains.

Can anyone tell me the tale of death? For though, in death I can find nothing, I have let my weakness find myself there.

I have nothing to carry, and in my emptiness I have found nothing of importance. I have chased winds and now I’m falling with it-not flying-falling.

note : mind clutters that ended up on a piece of paper that ended up here!! :D

Now that I have my life back..I don't know what I'm going to do with it...

At long last, my major exams are over and the only remaining exams are pretty easy compared to the excruciating test I have taken a few days back. And now, the only thing that I am worrying about is how to spend my sembreak without boring my guts out. I don’t know what to do! I mean I am the kind of person who, though likes being alone, can’t stay in one place for too long without doing anything. One week of break is too long for me. So what am I going to do? I don’t know so if any of you have any ideas, tell me, I am open to any suggestions.

So since I have no idea on what else is there to do, I am planning on locking myself away to our province for almost the whole break, but I don’t know if I am going to last long there. I mean, it’s so far away from civilization to the point that cellphone signals are so scarce that you have to be in the middle of the sea to get a bar, plus, there’s no studio 23 there so I’m not gonna be able to watch Grey’s anatomy making it hard for me to decided whether I am going to be doing this.

Our province!! waah I miss the beach!!!

Another plan of mine to read my heart out, since I have been literally hoarding on books this semester. On the contrary, I don’t know if the books that I bought will last for the whole sembreak, since, even though I try to slow down my reading, I still end up finishing books in one seating, I just can’t stop reading the moment I started.

Was in a book frenzy last month! can't stop buying!

So that is pretty much my plans for this sembreak, plus the occasional partying but I don’t know if I’m going to get something good from that now (I, so unless I concocted a new plan all these can be called “a complete system of lack of thoughts”. Sheesh..so again, suggest something please..ü

out of reason

Hmmm…it’s like sitting on a chair in front of your bloody study table for two hours and doing nothing but stare at your thick books without even understanding a word. That, for me, is called giving up.

Seriously, I am not stressed nor even on the verge of going gaga due to the freakishly hard finals. I am fed up. So fed up that I would just want to walk away without much effort to survive whatever is there for me now. I don’t know, it’s just that I am not a huge fan of frustrations. And right now, almost every single thing around me seems so frustrating (but surprisingly, my uncle, whom I work for, is not!!).

I don’t know, should I have a reason for doing this - for giving up or going on, I mean? Do I have to have one? Because if I do, I command it to appear now, at this very moment while I am typing these stupid thoughts! Well, unfortunately, it is not appearing now, ‘cause if it is I won’t be continuing this post. Okay I don’t know what to write anymore.. so I guess it ends here.. weird…