fumbling towards ecstasy...

It’s a different thing. With its unusual smell you would think it will bring great devastation to those who let their lips touch it. But then again, here comes your sense of adventure, the feeling of great discovery, of crossing and exceeding the normal limit of one person, and then, your let it hit you. From a different bitter taste on your first sip, it eventually turned out to be something much better, something that you never though that you’ll be looking for over and over again.

Okay. I can’t believe I am writing some nonsense about some liquor or something. And I can’t believe that I am so craving for one. I guess the though if it being out of my mental system makes me want it more. I am not an alcoholic though. I just got fond of it since last summer when my friends introduced me to some friendly alcoholic drink. And ever since, I’ve been nicking some brandy in our house; I only do it once in a blue moon, though. Just make it our dirty little secret.

I guess I’ll just try not to think about it. But there’s this profound insanity in me, which I share with one of my close friends, about drinking. It’s something to do with the bittersweet feeling of it as it sends warm cutting feeling down your throat. Whew! I’ll have to stop thinking about it…

Wewt(pinaarteng woot!)! It’s our Christmas break na!! But one big irony of it all is I can think of doing this break it to study in advance…how geeky of me!! But I guess I’ll try to start writing again, and next time with more sense unlike this weird post…

Monday weirdness...

Monday!

Ate chocolate for breakfast

Drank my first coffee for the semester

Experience my first every afternoon class

Ate fishball!(miss eating one!)

killed a whole community of ants = 10 casualties and over a hundred deaths!

harhar...loved my monday...it's so monday-eeee

First day of class...

“Is there a liability in such case, Mr. Laririt?”

“Damn” I muttered to myself.

Of all the students in my class why do I have to be the first one to be called and answer my professor’s surprise recitation in our first official class?

Crap! I stood there, literally shaking, trying to remember all the things that I have read in my book to be able to create the perfect reason or argument for my answer. All eyes are on me, I can feel it, and most of it are expressing the anticipation of what fate will I have, the moment I answer our professor.

Though I’ve been only standing for about a minute and a half, it feels like it’s been ages. Plus, watching my professor walking around our classroom waiting for me to answer his goddamn question is like living in hell and having no certainty of when it will end.

It took me another half minute to find my voice and answer. Though I know I have said it completely and with substance, I only heard myself uttering the words “if ever, whatever, and possession”.

Then my professor walk towards me and said, “Good enough.”

-And that’s the highlight of my day… a complete system of struggle for survival on my first day… (I almost had a nervous breakdown!)

My overkill…

Have you ever experience walking in the rain even though you have an umbrella with you?

I guess, that question pretty much depict my current regret, because if you haven’t done it yet, well you’re missing one heck of an experience. What I mean is, sometimes you don’t really need to protect yourself, hide under things or even put your guards up just to prevent yourself from breaking or showing your true color. Because sometimes it is what you really needed-an exposure to things that you have been trying to avoid for the longest time.

That just happened to me, though I have done it so many times, it was only now when I realized that I have missed out on so many things that might have made things a lot easier.

I have never failed on drawing the line, showing my complete limitation and building up fences that will protect me from painful damages that people might bring to me. But the thing is, little did I know, I am causing more damage to myself. And before I knew it, I have trapped myself inside this closed area, away from people, suffocated and stranded in the present that has caused much trepidation-I have done it too much.

"Throw caution to the wind"

That’s what I’ve been putting in my mind lately. For if I have done it earlier, I might’ve met people that might help me see things better. So, it’s what I am going to do now that I have a chance to start over again. I am going to throw caution to the wind, take off those lines and fences and let myself be exposed to the things around me. I just need to be prepared to face the things that might come…

still life...

“Don’t let go!”

I held his hand tighter when I heard him. His voice was rather distant. I guess it’s because I am slowly falling into a blissful trance that made me feel so far away from the world.

My eyes are closed. I can barely hear anything, just my laughter and sudden screams. Again, I tightened my grip to his hand so that I won’t slip away. And there’s a force, a force that’s pulling me backwards, a force that I know I have to fight.

We are spinning, facing each other and holding each other’s hand. And that seems to be the best memory I have of him. I tried to hear him one more time, but he seems to be farther away from me. And though I know I am holding his hands, I can’t feel his closeness. His presence is nonexistent.

We are spinning faster as time passes by. And after a few moments, we we’re like the wind – weightless, happy and free. It feels great!

But then I opened my eyes. I first saw the sky going around and around and around as if there’s never going to be tomorrow. I smiled, seeing the beauty of it. And then I looked at him. But the moment I caught his eyes, I suddenly felt everything- every single thing there is to feel. I fixed my eyes on him, and it was heavy, too heavy to carry. I slowed down my pace for I feel something weighing me down. Then all of the sudden, without even thinking about it, I let go.

It ended. I know I have fallen onto the ground. I never moved, for I know that I’ll soon enter the painful reality. I feel my tears slowly crawling on my cheeks. I opened my mouth to scream, but only a sudden whisper came out- a painful whisper…

“He’s gone…”

The fire fades away

Most of everyday

Is full of tired excuses

But it's to hard to say

I wish it were simple

But we give up easily

You're close enough to see that

You're the other side of the world to me ...

bed...

(well, it's a little bit "mature", but heck, not much of a big deal! hehehe...it is just a story that came out of my freaking brain for no reason at all..so pardon me if some may get offended..)

I remember feeling the warm rays of the sun on my face the moment I woke up. I tried to stand up but then felt my brain throbbing as if there’s a drum being played inside it. I closed my eyes again and tried to sleep, but the sun’s rays seem to be very determined to keep me awake as it easily escape through the small opening between those think curtains.

I lie on my back thinking of what had happened last night that had caused this headache. I closed my eyes again while giving my head a light massage to at least make it feel a little better. Have I had too much to drink? I mean, I know where my friends and I had been last night. I am very much aware of what I am doing. But then it hit me. I opened my eyes again and looked around-I was not in my room.

I stood up with much effort not to fall for everything seems to be turning the moment I seated myself up. I looked around, dark room, clothes scattered everywhere, empty liquor bottles, and, yes, just what I have been dreading- on the bed, a woman fast asleep under the blanket.

I don’t know what to do. I had exceeded my limitations of being a person. My heart was beating hard, as if it will come out of my chest anytime soon. I just stood there, looking at her, confused with so much emotions building inside me. I put on my clothes, wanting to run away from this mess. Should I even run away?

I was already on the door when I looked back to get a better look at her face. I don’t know what really happened, but it stopped me from leaving. I walked back towards the bed and sat on it. I can’t take my gaze off of her, I just can’t. The room was a little brighter since the sun has completely risen. Her face is just stunning, and though her eyes were closed I know it’s beautiful, I remember seeing and admiring it so much. Her black hair that extends to her naked back makes her more beautiful. I watched her breathe as she continues to sleep peacefully. I know that I should be leaving, but something made me stop, something in her made me feel happy. And, instead of leaving, without taking my eyes off her, I lie down again. It was a completely different way to find love. I know she might leave, but I still held her hand, with the hopes of this not ending anytime soon. Then I closed my eyes…

crashing down...

Raining Fireworks by =couleur on deviantART

Lights flashed in different colors on Tegan’s eyes as she watches the fireworks display from the coast of the city. It has always been her dream to do such thing as she let her time to go pass by without a single worry to think of. She held her cup of coffee tight in her hands as though it is the only way to keep her from reality and in this dream for the longest time possible. No posthumous fragments of the memory she had tried to forget, no future to think of, just now, the present wherein a jolt of happiness has filled her for the first time in about six months. And although she had tried her best not to cry, tears were still able to escape from the grip of her bright blue eyes.

She has crashed down, with not a single idea on where to start again or how to be whole again. There has been so much in her mind that she had decided to ran away for a while and escape the feeling of being alone and completely deprived.

The fireworks continued as she tries to recall every single moment of her life for the past year. Yes, there are happy moments, people to love, people who love her, and things, just things that are enough to make her the happiest woman in the world. But then again, there is always something missing. Never had she realized it, not until, she had hit rock bottom and lost everything and everyone. And before that, all along, she had thought her life was perfect.

“Why spend this beautiful time alone?”

Tegan looked at her back and there loomed a man walking towards her.

“I mean, this is no place for someone like you to be alone.”

Tegan didn’t answer. She had never wanted to be disturbed in this precious moment of hers that she had been waiting for the longest time.

The man stood beside her. He is a tall dark man, in some rugged clothes, and also holding a cup of coffee in his hand.

“What do you want me to do?” replied Tegan as she wipes off her tears from her eyes, “I need this, I need to be alone.”

“Here.” Said the man then facing her and wiped her tears off with his handkerchief.

Tegan looked back and continue to admire the beautiful show in the sky and tried to ignore the man. And yet, she can’t stop thinking of what a perfect story this could be, if only loves this person. But, of course, how could she, she has no slightest idea who he is. Plus, he’s a complete opposite of her. She’s clean, with meticulous taste and well rounded. And he, he seems to enjoy the world by riding around at night and spending most of his hard earned money in useless stuff. He looks like he’s a type of person who’d run barefoot in the whole city just for fun.

“You know, it is really not advisable to spend you lowest point of life alone.” He said after sipping from his coffee

“What makes you thi-” Tegan is ready to argue with him but she stopped for the guy held out his hand towards her

“Here,” he said with a smile, “hold this, it’ll help.”

Tegan looked at the guy’s face and was very surprised to what she saw- a person who’d be there no matter who she is, or where she had been, a person so beautiful for no matter how he looked like outside he was still able to show warmth to someone from his deep emotions. She took the guys hand and held it tight. And for the first time she felt that she’s real. Started crying again for she know that she had found the missing piece of her life…

underage thinking...

Coffee and Cigarettes by ~gruvistim on deviantART

I always like my coffee black, with only a small amount of sugar, and a little milk for some creamy sensation. That’s one of my few outlets of stress, a laid back moment, some smooth music and a good book to read. That’s my world, not a single strand of chaos should enter it, or some smoky place that would entrance you to some endless dancing and screaming.

Yep, that’s me, someone who doesn’t like much chaos in his life. Well, that’s what I just realized some three hours ago. So I guess, no matter how much I have tried to go with the cool music being played, it will never be my world.

And now, I am back here, fronting the computer listening to some slow music with my cup coffee feeling much relieved unlike a while ago, full of worries on how to survive the non-stop dancing of people getting wild and not to catch the smell of their cigars (unfortunately I failed, I smell like an ashtray, and hopefully my parents won’t notice it…hehehe).

I am well off silent, enjoying the cool breeze in our balcony or the cute music of some bossa nova-ish sounds in some cafés. No letting go and throwing caution in the air. Knowing that there’s no trouble coming towards me without such warning is enough for me. No other people, just myself, or if ever, I am with my closest friends sharing life, secrets and experiences.

I wouldn’t endure such noise to just let myself loose again. And though I sound a little bit nerdy, geeky, or dead, it wouldn’t matter anymore, at least I can very much express myself and most importantly, be myself….

finding the things to say...

After experiencing one whole semester in hell due to relentless sleepless nights and crappy frustrations, I have realized that I lost my proper sense of expressing myself. I guess it is because I barely have enough time to have some stroll without thinking of how to solve problems, relax my mind or even open a book and finish it without destroying my whole schedule.

It’s been a complete struggle, and though it has been almost a week since our vacation started, I am still having a hard time to find the right words to make complete sense of things that I want to say. I guess, even though all my accounting books are already neatly placed in one corner of my room and will not be opened until early next month, I still am trapped in the freaking world of “responsibility”…

to my surprise a while ago, I involuntarily made a schedule for the whole week, took down some reminders on how to survive another month of book keeping to prevent myself from being fired (regular na pala ako according to my uncle!hahaha), and made a list of things to be done before the break ends…I am finding it really hard to adjust from being busy to having more than enough time to complete a week’s worth of work in a day. But I really am hoping to have those expressing mojos back again. But even though I am missing my busy life, I am so thankful God created sembreak!

just being there...

I always fret the day when a friend of mine would come to me, tell me their biggest problem in the world and then expect the greatest enlightenment from me. But all I can do is just stare at him and tell him that life’s like that and all they have to do is just deal with the fucking life.

Like I said in my previous post, I prevent, that’s the only thing that I can do. So I haven’t got any slightest ideas on how to be able to survive a serious heartache, a freaking consequence from irresponsible drinking, a crappy friend, or even a mistake done with complete consciousness.

You might think that I am such a selfish weirdo who just can’t give some damn crazy whatever. But here the thing, I am trying, I am so fucking trying to think of things to say that might help you get your life and move on…

So don’t get all mad at me when I get all speechless and kind of avoid you when you are forcing me to say something to just make you feel better, because that’s not my thing…all I can do is, be there and tell you “ikaw kasi eh”

It found me to hold me
But I don't like it at all
Won't feed it,
Won't grow it
It's folded in my stomach;
It's not fair,
I found love;
It made me say that.
Get back,
You'll never see daylight;
If I'm not strong it just might.

the magic that wasn't there...

Can one thing be so perfect – a thing so magical that you have forgotten to see things and realize what’s deeper and much clear? Can one moment be so great that you never really know what’s more or less? I don’t really know. Maybe…

But I guess there are times that we just want to stay it the way it is. No other added stories to make it complicated, just those laughs, those moments together, those simple glimpse that you thought will never end. I guess it will be harder if it’s anything other than something simple.

Sometimes it is really hard to let it all go, yet in the end you have no choice, but to simply turn your back and walk away. I don’t really know why the hell I am writing this or even thinking something so beyond my emotional comprehension. But what if, both of you are there? Just waiting for some sort of fairy tale ending that will definitely change the course of time, life and whatever is in front of you.

It really is very tough to deal with all these circumstances of risking and trying to find whatever you have missed in the right place, or even trying to catch the painful crash of those feeling that seem to blur your sight…

Was there really magic in this kind of story, or simply the reality of it being so complex and beyond reality?

unexpressed...

Words-sometimes words cannot be enough to express everything in you. And what’s more unfortunate is that sometimes, even something as beautiful as music cannot substitute for the tears you want to shed. And what’s worse, you are left with moments- some silent point in time wherein you are left motionless and stunned, without any idea on what the hell to do to be able to move on.

Dusk, I think that’s the best way to describe this feeling. For it shows a hanging time-a struggle between two different dimensions. It gives a mixture of anticipation, depression and relief. A degree wherein you try to appreciate the place on where you are no matter how hard it is, and at the same time you are yearning to go back to the start where in there aren’t any complications, just the basics. But the thing is it’s too late to go back.

And again, that’s one thing. We are sometimes so used on things being so complicated that we forget to just go back to the basic. But how are we going to go back? Everyday we are sent out to a journey wherein we are taught of complexities and perplexities to the point that we are numb and incapable to regaining control of time and live. And then, everything around us is technical.

As I watch the sunset and the lights slowly being turned on as the night take over. I realized that I have been out of control. My grasp for what I have been working hard for had slipped away. And now, in this moment, there are neither words nor music, just this moment. And though it’s far from being a trance, I am motionless, and struggling to have an idea on how to move on…

damned...

Well, it is happening again, as if it is bound to happen. 12 midnight, awake, not a single sign of drowsiness, just full of stress, numbers, cramming, and computations. I can’t believe how fast time is…I can barely follow through the pacing of the world. Well, at least I am doing a better job than last semester, which apparently blew me into pieces.

Now I am again, awake, but unlike before, struggling with multi-tasking. I am fronting the computer, trying to find a way on how to write and layout my freaking project, while thinking of the fastest possible way to solve problems in accounting and then prioritizing the hellish job of mine. Good thing my “boss/uncle” told me that to worry about my studies first before his “books”, well, good for me.

radio…waaah! I am freakishly obsessed with radio(well, I just found out)..I don’t really know why, but no matter how "in" mp3 players are, I just can’t let go of my radio…I need it badly! That’s why I am still hanging on this old phone of mine because of its radio function…I think it’s my only way in knowing what’s new, what’s happening in this world and whatever…

messy…yes, my room is messy again and the thing is, it’s not just my room, I had conquered our living room and dining room because of the huge of numbers of books that I have, from novels to textbooks…all grouped in subjects, usefulness, difficulty and beauty(for my novels..) placed in an organized way, open in pages where I last left it and ready for reading…

I can’t wait for sembreak! Which is in about two weeks!

blabbery!

I am feeling blabbery today/tonight. I mean I just want to type and talk without pause about things that are very much senseless to every freaking human being in the world so pardon me for posting this junk

Damn I guess this is how I am coping up with all the frustrations disappointment depressions and infatuations in life Crap everyday seems a complete struggle for me Yep every minute seems a fight against complete meltdown nervous breakdown schizophrenia stress and megalomania Thank God I am still alive at this very moment – whew! no stopping! Gotta catch my breath!

Yep, after everything that I have been through, I am very glad that I have never been diagnosed with some mental illness. Yep, after some repetitive reading of my accounting book, relentless answering of problem and continuous thinking of PFRS (woah sosyal! PFRS!!!), I guess it some miracle that I am still normal- I hope.

Where are those tequila shots when you need them!! drinking coffee is getting boring..and tea starts to taste like what it should be in the first place-GRASS! Gawd..I can’t wait ‘til I am legal! I am so gonna drink everything there is to drink just to forget this freaking clutters in my head.

When it come to frustrations! All I can say is: what the hell is going on!!? I mean, I have neglected two subjects and no matter how much I have been trying to regain control over it, it seems like one of it really has to be some sacrificial thingie! Well, I am so not gonna let myself fail!

And how about depressions!? Fu*k! I need to be happy! I need anti depressants! Waaah! That is why I made some secret dream…and that is to be a barista in starbucks..because..they seems to be very very very very very very happy not matter what..doing all those barista jobs..yeah..

Infatuation!!?oh my god!!! I don’t know what has gotten into me!!!! I mean, yeah! I am some normal teenage guy who has hormones that can pretty much mess up things! But, damn…it really is hard to concentrate!! Especially when she’s in your accounting class! Goodness!

Okay..this is getting to much! I can’t stop anymore…haayyy…breathe…I am gonna stop na! I am going to turn off this computer and go to sleep! Think about all these things tomorrow…

just an ordinary rainy day...

How could just one note, a single stroke, the simplest sound be of so much impact to one person? And when you thought that doing just about everything is the answer, the questions would simply twist everything. And before you know it, you’re back in phase one.

Sometimes you just need someone to talk to, so that you can hear yourself-not them. Because sometimes, hearing yourself would simply give every reason in the world to fight back and be stronger.

And then the worst happened. You realize, at some point, what you need to hold you back is the one thing that you have been trying to let go of for the longest time.

I think no one really is fine. For if there is so much to think about in one day, what would give a person the reason to be better. And, yes, there is simply too much-to take, to muster, to think of, to solve, to write, to see, to sing and most especially to fight for.

And when it ends-when the day ends, what else would be left for you, just an ordinary rainy day or better yet, a bitter song? But what really matters is that after looking out the window, thinking that those droplets of rain are your tears and the same time writing your bitterest song, you still have the energy, the strength, and the will to see the next daylight.

ocean of strangers...

Burns-scars-vile; I can’t seem to think of other words to relate what I have been seeing through my eyes for the past 23 hours. It’s utterly jarring to just let it all in. It’s the same feeling as walking through an ocean of strangers; going against their current as they look at you disapprovingly for facing them and not following what they thought is the right way for complete deliverance. Maybe if I look back into their eyes and see through it, then they will realize that it’s doesn’t really matter.

It’s the complete strangeness of strangers that had made me afraid to sit down with them and talk to them and follow their paths to “nowhere-ness”. Not even a simple smile can work for them.

I don’t really know. But isn’t it too much to just be an open door and let everybody in without caution. I can’t really argue more, but maybe at some point it is very much better than blocking even the slightest opening in you. Because at some time not so futuristic from this moment you will realize that you haven’t really protected yourself from the strangeness of everybody. You just made things a lot worse by trapping yourself in and simply let all the strangeness in you devour you alive into what stranger think of as, again, “nowhere-ness” (I like this term! J But there’s no such thing in the dictionary).

Maybe every episode of those passing moments in the ocean of strangers can be as liberating as running naked in an avenue. But the difference is...it’s a struggle to sail across that ocean and against it. For every moment you pass by it, you loose something more important than the one you want on the other side….

drowning on dry land...

This morning I was forced to walk in the rain. Well, I thought it would be fun, but the moment I got in our classroom and felt a sudden chill and dizziness I have completely regretted what I have done. Then it came to me, it had reminded me of something that I had been trying to deal with for about a month, and now, it has been larger since I last left it hanging in me.

It has been, what, about a year since I last thought of things to be so disappointing. For I think no matter how things suck sometimes, it would be much better to just deal with it the best way you can and continue doing the things you are supposed to do.

But I guess, when things stunned you and caught you off guard, it will continuously flow in. And no matter how you try to fill yourself with other stuffs to think of and do, you cannot escape the jarring bothersome feeling of being somewhat somehow affected.

I prevent. That’s one of the best things that I can do. Learn from other people’s views and past experiences and try not to let it happen to me. It’s one whole game plan. Prevent things from happening. For I know, when it happens, I will never ever know what to do.

It’s a perfect game plan because right now, none of what I thought will completely dissipate me is not happening to me. But what’s harder is, it is happening to people I know. And seeing them kinda fluctuate or even falter makes it even worse that I have expected. And the thing is I don’t even know what to say to them. It is as if, it would be best to just stay silent and let it just sink in and do nothing…

But would it be more tragic if I did nothing? Well, I don’t know…

somewhere only we know...(hope you'll like it!)

story inspired by the cd na bigay ni chezka!! kaya ginawa kong girl yung narrator..kasi si chezka yun!!

I opened my eyes and realized that the sun had finally set. The purplish sky is slowly turning black as the stars emerge in the infinite space of nothingness. I don’t really know how long had I been here, lying in the field, thinking of the deep irony of sad truths.

How could things just end up this way? I keep asking to myself. I can still feel his presence beside me. His very heartbeat that I once thought had existed for just one reason-me. Clearly there are just too much and yet, still, time is naught.

I move my fingers to feel his warm hand beside mine. How such move could bring so many words in my lips, and yet, none of those seem to escape my soul. Moments, that is all what is left in this time. And no matter how much I have tried to grasp harder, there seems to be something stronger than what I have been feeling inside.

Moments-just moments; No music, no tears, no smiles, not even a deep breath can measure this times. Could I ever survive this? I want to hold his hand for the very last time. To trace every moment of happiness as his hand perfectly fits mine. To feel his warmth inside me, feeding my very spirit and taking me into a deep trance.

It is just too hard to stand up, and face everything alone again. I wanted to close my eyes again to fill myself with darkness again, to be numb again, and to have this falling feeling again in me.

“I should go.” He said in a blank tone

I wanted to stop him. Pull him back, and have him again. But I know there’s nothing much to do, but to let all these tears flow endlessly and indefinitely. No voice can pull me back into being whole again.

“Yes, you should go.” I replied.

I close my eyes. There is nothing left for me to say now. I want to stand up, follow him, stop the time, and remain with him. But no matter how painful this is, I can’t see any reason to do so anymore. I guess this is what really life is, a feeling so painful that reminds you of how human you are, how vulnerable you are and how real everything is.

just bought myself a toy!!!

wala lang! just brining back those days na everything seems to revolve around toys toys and nothing more but TOYS!!!WOHOO!

transformers!!!

I want one! I want one!

like the flowing river - Paolo Coelho
post secret : the secret live os men and women - frank warrenyou can go to this site to see some of the secrets postsecret
Been buying books lately since there's this massive sale at national bookstore...but still I can't buy this two books that I've been wanting for months!!!!waaah!

no time to post!

Living life's formalities...crap I am so tired..

where do we go from here?

Stuck in prospective

I have found no aim

Clearly we have no sense

In this twisted game

Where do we go from here?

Undermined by tears

Of our breathless fears

Where do we go from here?

Where did we take off?

Feeling only joy

Going to what is vague

Filled with endless coy

Where do we go from here?

Thinking of my dear

Taking what’s clear

Where do we go from here?

If there had been time

Do we have to play?

Still seeing what is beyond

Let’s just end this day

Where do we go from here?

Where do I go from here?

where do we go from here? by ~ender on deviantART

learning what to say..

Story of Long Life and Death by *angelreich on deviantART

Take me to the place

That you have taken away

Of love and solace

Tell me the poem

That remembers no song

For it kisses away my long

If there’s nothing to ask

Why didn’t it last?

Why did it happen so fast?

If I were to count

Recalling my doubts

I crumble…

I try to find a way

Again, I crumble...

For there’s no reason to stay

silent whispers...

It was when I lit a candle and watch it burn down when I realized that I really don’t have to scream out loud and shed so much tears just to let everything out. Because no matter how heavy the burden that I am carrying, it seems to float just float away.

looking out for you... by *Zendar on deviantART

I don’t really go to churches alone, I mean, I am always with my family whenever I go there. And last Thursday was the first time I entered one without anyone with me. I sat on one of the many long benches and look at some nothingness there while thinking of all the things that I am going through. Some says it’s shallow or something, but heck, it’s the only thing that I am concentrating on, it’s the only thing that I am living for as of the moment. So why not make a big deal out of it? It is simply crazy, but that just the way it is.

Left prayers by *OnVee1 on deviantART

I never really thought of, me going in a church spontaneously and then just stay there, feel the presence of the emotions that are washing over me. I guess, though my eyes aren’t close and I am not kneeling down, I am saying a prayer. Simply thanking of having such place to run to whenever there is too much chaos in my mind. Yeah, and I know that is the reason why there are so many people in that church even though at that time everyone is supposedly busy doing their works or studying. It is the only refuge one’s soul can run to at times when there’s just something too much to take.

There is so much to captivate in a church, may you have a reason for going there or not, the silence of the whole place is something to appreciate. The gift of having some sweet reverie of the momentary stillness of time is too beautiful to ignore. And in the end, faith is all you need as you watch those prayers in your heart to float away with the candle’s silent whispers.

drowning...

“Pointless” that is what my friend said after telling her how I felt after staying under the pool for about a minute.

drowning by ~spaaaaaacecadet on deviantART

Well, it is kinda crazy, but I think it worked for me. It’s one of the many things that I had ever wanted to feel. You know, the feeling of being so weightless, so light, that no matter how much you wanted to be down you just keep on floating like a wandering soul waiting for its time to be consumed by something far better than the limbo. It is such bliss for me to hear all those screams and laughs that seem so distant from me. Yes, that is how I wanted to feel for some time, to be far away, to wander around and to feel no burden inside me, but just like any slap on the face, fate had already written it for so long that you have no choice but to rise up again and face all those people enjoying the time of their lives with a smile.

I guess, at some point of one’s happiness, a person still yearns to have this momentary stillness that, even though, it is more that enough he would still wish for it to be longer. But the thing is, wanting it too much is so foolish, because when you had too much bliss of comfort you will end up falling with a loud painful thud at the end.

I want to be weightless, at some give time, because right now I would just want to realize that this reality I am living in is much better than any other thing that consists of being whole and without any stress…

Our times...

waah! first time to use the phrase "our love" in my poem...

reminder : I was never in love...

time by ~Vive-Le-Rock on deviantART

Will you sing it to me again?

Those words, unrelenting

Giving no chances in our time

Clearly, it was never too late

To move on against me

Against life and against our fate

Will it ever be close to you?

For me to just let go-

For you to completely undo;

Will it kill the very moment?

To stop the move of time

To take everything what's mine

Just to prolong what our love once meant…

vacation!

I don’t know if I ought to call this two-day vacation a blessing or yet another hidden torment in my school life, since it will prolongs my trepidation regarding my studies. Well, at least, yesterday I was able to hang out with some of my close friends!

Hanging out!

I had so much fun! I think it was summer since I last fooled around, talked and laughed hard with my friends. Oh how I miss them so much!

having fun with the costumes in the studio

more costumes!

cat's pictorial for her debut!

Accountancy…

I really don’t know why the heck I keep blogging about this weirded part of my life. I think it is because this is what is currently taking over my life. And as our midterm approaches, I am giving myself lesser time for leisure and other stuffs and more time reading, solving problems, and trying to understand the momentum of whatsoever is in the assets stuffs of a business entity (okay I don’t need anyone to understand that part… I don’t either).

Norah Jones…

I’ve been a little fan of Norah Jones lately. It helps me to relax a little bit. I listen to her songs whenever I take breaks from reviewing, before going to sleep and even the moment I wake up. I like listening to her songs! Especially “come away with me” it makes me want to just take off with my imaginary convertible car, go to our province, enjoy the warm rays of the sun, feel the cool breeze of the sea while listening to it’s utterly soft songs created by it waves, and then fill myself up with my favorite food, crabs, and not minding how red I will look for the next few hours because of allergic reaction.

Life of a haggard...

“Were you able to do out assignment in inventories?” asked my classmate the moment I entered our classroom.

All I did was sit beside her, look at the board and try to recall what the heck inventories had to do with my life?

“Were you able to answer our assignment in accounting?” she asked again, almost screaming at me

Then it hit me, I have lost everything I have tried to fit in my brain last night. I then took out two pages of battered yellow pad and handed it to her. Out of the almost 20 questions I was able to answer about 7 items only.

It had been a very very jittery morning for me- a very tiring one, rather. After realizing that I only have about a week to study for our midterm departmental exams the night before, all I was able to do was, try to fit everything in my not so full schedule and continuously thinking of things and ways on how I am going to survive this very very hard part of my semi-charmed college life. Good thing I am already used in being awake all night to study until around 5am and then asleep at 1pm ‘til around 6 in the evening (this is very helpful to me since it is easier to concentrate at night).

Well, a while ago, our professor (I will soon write a book about him, together with a compilation of his quotations..wahahaha) wrapped up our lessons for the first half of this semester. I can’t explain the joy I am feeling to know that all I have to worry about are seven chapters in our very thick book. Plus it is a huge relief to know that there’s nothing to study in advance for a moment and all the efforts are to be exerted for reviews.

Waah! I do hope everything falls into its proper place. I can’t imagine how I will look after this adventure, but I know haggardness will surely be in for me. Waah! Hopefully I will look normal in my friend’s debut since it is in between my departmental exams and non-departmental exams…

my highlights for today..

1. bought brain foods (peanut butter; can't eat peanut alone) and fresh milk
2. stalked a former friend (hehehe...curious of how she's doing)
3. dreamt owning a CAR!
4. almost got run over by a taxi (it always happen! this is my nth life!)