once upon a time...

The first page! it's too small though! :D I scanned it!

I was cleaning my room when I found an old story that I wrote for my friend to celebrate her love life… (Go Tinkerbell!!!) I really miss writing, but it’s really unfortunate that I really can’t find anything to write about. I guess it’s because my mind has been fully taken over by my studies and it’s was just last Friday when I was able to completely clear up my mind from the worries of failing…and right now I am making up for lost time and by the time I’m starting to catch up, I’m already going to school again, worrying about passing again…whew…I never thought this vacation is too short for me…I need more time!!! SIGH!!!!

Between what is right and what you want… (again?)

Okay, seriously, I have contained myself for the longest time in my whole life. The last time I decided to let go of all the pressures in life without really caring about my surroundings was May 31, 2008, which was ages ago! So, it was when I was talking to my friend on the phone when I realized how much I am dying to have a night out with my old bar buddies (wewt!)! Waaah! I don’t know, I mean, I am DYING go out right now and just have some fun. I guess it’s kinda hard to ignore the party blood once it got injected into your system. I mean, the great music, the relentless dancing, and uhm..well, the occasional drinks put you in a state of trance that would simply be etched onto your brain making you crave for more. I promised myself that I won’t be doing this anymore since, I don’t know, it’s kinda getting old for me but I guess it just won’t go away! Drinks anyone? :D

I WANT ONE!!

It’s quite weird and useless to be talking about notebooks, but for those who don’t know, I love buying notebooks for no reason at all. Well, mostly for the sake of me having something to doodle or scribble on since most of the time, thoughts would seeps out of my effin’ brain. So here’s the thing: I found a very cool notebook that I really, really, REALLY want to buy!!! It’s kind of weird, but I would consider notebooks as one of my luxuries in life!!! :D but another thing is…it costs over a thousand pesos (a thousand pesos if you order it…)! Wuhuhuhu… so right now I am battling practicality over wants or wants over practicality or whatever! Another thing that made the decision making harder is I have a great reason to buy one! :D

untold chronicles of silence

.silence is bronze. by ~cisya on deviantART

I lie here in silence, for silence is all I have. My spirit has been stripped off its feeling, numbing me completely. Can anyone tell me of melancholy? For in melancholy I would sing.

I lie here in the darkness for I have turned myself blind. With the desires for the things I see, I turned my back from life. Now, every vein in my body seeps out of stories of wild ecstasy of relentless pains.

Can anyone tell me the tale of death? For though, in death I can find nothing, I have let my weakness find myself there.

I have nothing to carry, and in my emptiness I have found nothing of importance. I have chased winds and now I’m falling with it-not flying-falling.

note : mind clutters that ended up on a piece of paper that ended up here!! :D

Now that I have my life back..I don't know what I'm going to do with it...

At long last, my major exams are over and the only remaining exams are pretty easy compared to the excruciating test I have taken a few days back. And now, the only thing that I am worrying about is how to spend my sembreak without boring my guts out. I don’t know what to do! I mean I am the kind of person who, though likes being alone, can’t stay in one place for too long without doing anything. One week of break is too long for me. So what am I going to do? I don’t know so if any of you have any ideas, tell me, I am open to any suggestions.

So since I have no idea on what else is there to do, I am planning on locking myself away to our province for almost the whole break, but I don’t know if I am going to last long there. I mean, it’s so far away from civilization to the point that cellphone signals are so scarce that you have to be in the middle of the sea to get a bar, plus, there’s no studio 23 there so I’m not gonna be able to watch Grey’s anatomy making it hard for me to decided whether I am going to be doing this.

Our province!! waah I miss the beach!!!

Another plan of mine to read my heart out, since I have been literally hoarding on books this semester. On the contrary, I don’t know if the books that I bought will last for the whole sembreak, since, even though I try to slow down my reading, I still end up finishing books in one seating, I just can’t stop reading the moment I started.

Was in a book frenzy last month! can't stop buying!

So that is pretty much my plans for this sembreak, plus the occasional partying but I don’t know if I’m going to get something good from that now (I, so unless I concocted a new plan all these can be called “a complete system of lack of thoughts”. Sheesh..so again, suggest something please..ü

out of reason

Hmmm…it’s like sitting on a chair in front of your bloody study table for two hours and doing nothing but stare at your thick books without even understanding a word. That, for me, is called giving up.

Seriously, I am not stressed nor even on the verge of going gaga due to the freakishly hard finals. I am fed up. So fed up that I would just want to walk away without much effort to survive whatever is there for me now. I don’t know, it’s just that I am not a huge fan of frustrations. And right now, almost every single thing around me seems so frustrating (but surprisingly, my uncle, whom I work for, is not!!).

I don’t know, should I have a reason for doing this - for giving up or going on, I mean? Do I have to have one? Because if I do, I command it to appear now, at this very moment while I am typing these stupid thoughts! Well, unfortunately, it is not appearing now, ‘cause if it is I won’t be continuing this post. Okay I don’t know what to write anymore.. so I guess it ends here.. weird…

oblivious..

So what now? I am here, fronting the computer, looking for the right drive to make my freaking brain work properly again. I don’t know, maybe it’s because of the aftermath of an epiphany that I can’t last long in an ultra crowded place with weird lights, loud music and a makeshift nebulizer without struggling to keep myself sane. So here I am typing what is supposed to be a synopsis of one of my favorite literary pieces but unable to find the right words and style to make it acceptable.

Hmmm…so whatever is happening to my life right now is pretty much in the boring side. No freakishly embarrassing moments or weird made up scenes in the mall or something. Mostly everything that has been happening to me is because of such case called oblivion. Yeah, I am utterly, irrevocably oblivious of my surroundings. How was I able to say that? Well, tell me, have you ever seen a person who without any valid reason at all, tripped while standing still on an escalator? I don’t know, I think my brain is having this momentary interval when it just dies down on me. Crazy it may seem I just think it can happen.

Well, another thing that has been in my mind for a very long time is Grey’s Anatomy. I so badly miss the bloody series! And seriously, I hate the writers for making it so great to the point that they made the season finale so hard to get over with. I think they should put in mind that some are going gaga over it!!

Okay so much for all of these mumbles. I need to make my life happen!! In much painful terms, I need to pass my failing subjects, finish my half done project, prepare for a hell of a work from my uncle, and try not to lose my self control when I see pastas.

of being stuck and thinking of ways of getting unstuck

(wow, please bear with me..my mind is kinda dead so I can't think of any title for this post that is not lame..ü)

So here’s the thing, you’d wake up 5:30ish in the morning just to lie awake and think over what has been happening in you bloody life for the past few weeks-months even, when you realized that you don’t know where you’re going from where you are right now (This sentence feels like it’s not making any sense, I hope it does).

I mean, seriously, after almost four years of striving over this freakishly hard thing that I, unintentionally, placed myself into. It was only just a few days ago when I realized that I might have made a mistake or something or some sort or whatever. Because right now, I really do want to find an escape route away from everything, but unfortunately the only escape route that I can see may lead me to ruins, in short, it’s utterly stupid. So right now, I feel stuck in a certain timeframe and no matter how much I try to keep the time going or passing or whatever, it won’t budge. And so it’s hard, so hard, that sometimes I think that I’m maybe making a fool of myself from all of these. It’s just so complex right now that I just want to stop for a whole day and breathe, just breathe, be numb and completely be taken away from the thoughts of this preposterous insanity. But unfortunately I just can’t find any reason to do so, so here I am moving, thinking, and trying to unstuck myself from this stupid thing.

So, in the end, after thinking all about these stuff (well in my case, taking all these screaming words out of my mind) you’d realize that you’d it’s just a complete waste of effort and time (and rest).

something something: draft...

I don't really know if this is a finished thing or what...

I'm just always getting hung up at the moment..so I don't know..I can't really finish what I've started...

Tell me not to stay,

For in the fading time I say

“Come, let’s go, and run away”

No one should hear us

For we shall disappear at dusk

Even magic can’t save us

The little sparkle in this play

We bid good bye-silent day;

Feeling the sounds of May

Come, let us not go back

Let’s go far and never turn back

For no one should see us

Let’s completely forget

The blue eyes that make our minds set;

The pains I won’t regret

Come, let us not return;

Experience every twists and turns

For I feel our hearts burn

Words can’t make what we make

And go far away without break

In this secret lives we take

Come, leave and run away

Live with me ‘til the end of day

For I will live with you-

Forever

Still forever…

fumbling towards ecstasy...

It’s a different thing. With its unusual smell you would think it will bring great devastation to those who let their lips touch it. But then again, here comes your sense of adventure, the feeling of great discovery, of crossing and exceeding the normal limit of one person, and then, your let it hit you. From a different bitter taste on your first sip, it eventually turned out to be something much better, something that you never though that you’ll be looking for over and over again.

Okay. I can’t believe I am writing some nonsense about some liquor or something. And I can’t believe that I am so craving for one. I guess the though if it being out of my mental system makes me want it more. I am not an alcoholic though. I just got fond of it since last summer when my friends introduced me to some friendly alcoholic drink. And ever since, I’ve been nicking some brandy in our house; I only do it once in a blue moon, though. Just make it our dirty little secret.

I guess I’ll just try not to think about it. But there’s this profound insanity in me, which I share with one of my close friends, about drinking. It’s something to do with the bittersweet feeling of it as it sends warm cutting feeling down your throat. Whew! I’ll have to stop thinking about it…

Wewt(pinaarteng woot!)! It’s our Christmas break na!! But one big irony of it all is I can think of doing this break it to study in advance…how geeky of me!! But I guess I’ll try to start writing again, and next time with more sense unlike this weird post…

Monday weirdness...

Monday!

Ate chocolate for breakfast

Drank my first coffee for the semester

Experience my first every afternoon class

Ate fishball!(miss eating one!)

killed a whole community of ants = 10 casualties and over a hundred deaths!

harhar...loved my monday...it's so monday-eeee

First day of class...

“Is there a liability in such case, Mr. Laririt?”

“Damn” I muttered to myself.

Of all the students in my class why do I have to be the first one to be called and answer my professor’s surprise recitation in our first official class?

Crap! I stood there, literally shaking, trying to remember all the things that I have read in my book to be able to create the perfect reason or argument for my answer. All eyes are on me, I can feel it, and most of it are expressing the anticipation of what fate will I have, the moment I answer our professor.

Though I’ve been only standing for about a minute and a half, it feels like it’s been ages. Plus, watching my professor walking around our classroom waiting for me to answer his goddamn question is like living in hell and having no certainty of when it will end.

It took me another half minute to find my voice and answer. Though I know I have said it completely and with substance, I only heard myself uttering the words “if ever, whatever, and possession”.

Then my professor walk towards me and said, “Good enough.”

-And that’s the highlight of my day… a complete system of struggle for survival on my first day… (I almost had a nervous breakdown!)

My overkill…

Have you ever experience walking in the rain even though you have an umbrella with you?

I guess, that question pretty much depict my current regret, because if you haven’t done it yet, well you’re missing one heck of an experience. What I mean is, sometimes you don’t really need to protect yourself, hide under things or even put your guards up just to prevent yourself from breaking or showing your true color. Because sometimes it is what you really needed-an exposure to things that you have been trying to avoid for the longest time.

That just happened to me, though I have done it so many times, it was only now when I realized that I have missed out on so many things that might have made things a lot easier.

I have never failed on drawing the line, showing my complete limitation and building up fences that will protect me from painful damages that people might bring to me. But the thing is, little did I know, I am causing more damage to myself. And before I knew it, I have trapped myself inside this closed area, away from people, suffocated and stranded in the present that has caused much trepidation-I have done it too much.

"Throw caution to the wind"

That’s what I’ve been putting in my mind lately. For if I have done it earlier, I might’ve met people that might help me see things better. So, it’s what I am going to do now that I have a chance to start over again. I am going to throw caution to the wind, take off those lines and fences and let myself be exposed to the things around me. I just need to be prepared to face the things that might come…

still life...

“Don’t let go!”

I held his hand tighter when I heard him. His voice was rather distant. I guess it’s because I am slowly falling into a blissful trance that made me feel so far away from the world.

My eyes are closed. I can barely hear anything, just my laughter and sudden screams. Again, I tightened my grip to his hand so that I won’t slip away. And there’s a force, a force that’s pulling me backwards, a force that I know I have to fight.

We are spinning, facing each other and holding each other’s hand. And that seems to be the best memory I have of him. I tried to hear him one more time, but he seems to be farther away from me. And though I know I am holding his hands, I can’t feel his closeness. His presence is nonexistent.

We are spinning faster as time passes by. And after a few moments, we we’re like the wind – weightless, happy and free. It feels great!

But then I opened my eyes. I first saw the sky going around and around and around as if there’s never going to be tomorrow. I smiled, seeing the beauty of it. And then I looked at him. But the moment I caught his eyes, I suddenly felt everything- every single thing there is to feel. I fixed my eyes on him, and it was heavy, too heavy to carry. I slowed down my pace for I feel something weighing me down. Then all of the sudden, without even thinking about it, I let go.

It ended. I know I have fallen onto the ground. I never moved, for I know that I’ll soon enter the painful reality. I feel my tears slowly crawling on my cheeks. I opened my mouth to scream, but only a sudden whisper came out- a painful whisper…

“He’s gone…”

The fire fades away

Most of everyday

Is full of tired excuses

But it's to hard to say

I wish it were simple

But we give up easily

You're close enough to see that

You're the other side of the world to me ...

bed...

(well, it's a little bit "mature", but heck, not much of a big deal! hehehe...it is just a story that came out of my freaking brain for no reason at all..so pardon me if some may get offended..)

I remember feeling the warm rays of the sun on my face the moment I woke up. I tried to stand up but then felt my brain throbbing as if there’s a drum being played inside it. I closed my eyes again and tried to sleep, but the sun’s rays seem to be very determined to keep me awake as it easily escape through the small opening between those think curtains.

I lie on my back thinking of what had happened last night that had caused this headache. I closed my eyes again while giving my head a light massage to at least make it feel a little better. Have I had too much to drink? I mean, I know where my friends and I had been last night. I am very much aware of what I am doing. But then it hit me. I opened my eyes again and looked around-I was not in my room.

I stood up with much effort not to fall for everything seems to be turning the moment I seated myself up. I looked around, dark room, clothes scattered everywhere, empty liquor bottles, and, yes, just what I have been dreading- on the bed, a woman fast asleep under the blanket.

I don’t know what to do. I had exceeded my limitations of being a person. My heart was beating hard, as if it will come out of my chest anytime soon. I just stood there, looking at her, confused with so much emotions building inside me. I put on my clothes, wanting to run away from this mess. Should I even run away?

I was already on the door when I looked back to get a better look at her face. I don’t know what really happened, but it stopped me from leaving. I walked back towards the bed and sat on it. I can’t take my gaze off of her, I just can’t. The room was a little brighter since the sun has completely risen. Her face is just stunning, and though her eyes were closed I know it’s beautiful, I remember seeing and admiring it so much. Her black hair that extends to her naked back makes her more beautiful. I watched her breathe as she continues to sleep peacefully. I know that I should be leaving, but something made me stop, something in her made me feel happy. And, instead of leaving, without taking my eyes off her, I lie down again. It was a completely different way to find love. I know she might leave, but I still held her hand, with the hopes of this not ending anytime soon. Then I closed my eyes…