of being stuck and thinking of ways of getting unstuck

(wow, please bear with me..my mind is kinda dead so I can't think of any title for this post that is not lame..ü)

So here’s the thing, you’d wake up 5:30ish in the morning just to lie awake and think over what has been happening in you bloody life for the past few weeks-months even, when you realized that you don’t know where you’re going from where you are right now (This sentence feels like it’s not making any sense, I hope it does).

I mean, seriously, after almost four years of striving over this freakishly hard thing that I, unintentionally, placed myself into. It was only just a few days ago when I realized that I might have made a mistake or something or some sort or whatever. Because right now, I really do want to find an escape route away from everything, but unfortunately the only escape route that I can see may lead me to ruins, in short, it’s utterly stupid. So right now, I feel stuck in a certain timeframe and no matter how much I try to keep the time going or passing or whatever, it won’t budge. And so it’s hard, so hard, that sometimes I think that I’m maybe making a fool of myself from all of these. It’s just so complex right now that I just want to stop for a whole day and breathe, just breathe, be numb and completely be taken away from the thoughts of this preposterous insanity. But unfortunately I just can’t find any reason to do so, so here I am moving, thinking, and trying to unstuck myself from this stupid thing.

So, in the end, after thinking all about these stuff (well in my case, taking all these screaming words out of my mind) you’d realize that you’d it’s just a complete waste of effort and time (and rest).

something something: draft...

I don't really know if this is a finished thing or what...

I'm just always getting hung up at the moment..so I don't know..I can't really finish what I've started...

Tell me not to stay,

For in the fading time I say

“Come, let’s go, and run away”

No one should hear us

For we shall disappear at dusk

Even magic can’t save us

The little sparkle in this play

We bid good bye-silent day;

Feeling the sounds of May

Come, let us not go back

Let’s go far and never turn back

For no one should see us

Let’s completely forget

The blue eyes that make our minds set;

The pains I won’t regret

Come, let us not return;

Experience every twists and turns

For I feel our hearts burn

Words can’t make what we make

And go far away without break

In this secret lives we take

Come, leave and run away

Live with me ‘til the end of day

For I will live with you-

Forever

Still forever…

fumbling towards ecstasy...

It’s a different thing. With its unusual smell you would think it will bring great devastation to those who let their lips touch it. But then again, here comes your sense of adventure, the feeling of great discovery, of crossing and exceeding the normal limit of one person, and then, your let it hit you. From a different bitter taste on your first sip, it eventually turned out to be something much better, something that you never though that you’ll be looking for over and over again.

Okay. I can’t believe I am writing some nonsense about some liquor or something. And I can’t believe that I am so craving for one. I guess the though if it being out of my mental system makes me want it more. I am not an alcoholic though. I just got fond of it since last summer when my friends introduced me to some friendly alcoholic drink. And ever since, I’ve been nicking some brandy in our house; I only do it once in a blue moon, though. Just make it our dirty little secret.

I guess I’ll just try not to think about it. But there’s this profound insanity in me, which I share with one of my close friends, about drinking. It’s something to do with the bittersweet feeling of it as it sends warm cutting feeling down your throat. Whew! I’ll have to stop thinking about it…

Wewt(pinaarteng woot!)! It’s our Christmas break na!! But one big irony of it all is I can think of doing this break it to study in advance…how geeky of me!! But I guess I’ll try to start writing again, and next time with more sense unlike this weird post…

Monday weirdness...

Monday!

Ate chocolate for breakfast

Drank my first coffee for the semester

Experience my first every afternoon class

Ate fishball!(miss eating one!)

killed a whole community of ants = 10 casualties and over a hundred deaths!

harhar...loved my monday...it's so monday-eeee

First day of class...

“Is there a liability in such case, Mr. Laririt?”

“Damn” I muttered to myself.

Of all the students in my class why do I have to be the first one to be called and answer my professor’s surprise recitation in our first official class?

Crap! I stood there, literally shaking, trying to remember all the things that I have read in my book to be able to create the perfect reason or argument for my answer. All eyes are on me, I can feel it, and most of it are expressing the anticipation of what fate will I have, the moment I answer our professor.

Though I’ve been only standing for about a minute and a half, it feels like it’s been ages. Plus, watching my professor walking around our classroom waiting for me to answer his goddamn question is like living in hell and having no certainty of when it will end.

It took me another half minute to find my voice and answer. Though I know I have said it completely and with substance, I only heard myself uttering the words “if ever, whatever, and possession”.

Then my professor walk towards me and said, “Good enough.”

-And that’s the highlight of my day… a complete system of struggle for survival on my first day… (I almost had a nervous breakdown!)

My overkill…

Have you ever experience walking in the rain even though you have an umbrella with you?

I guess, that question pretty much depict my current regret, because if you haven’t done it yet, well you’re missing one heck of an experience. What I mean is, sometimes you don’t really need to protect yourself, hide under things or even put your guards up just to prevent yourself from breaking or showing your true color. Because sometimes it is what you really needed-an exposure to things that you have been trying to avoid for the longest time.

That just happened to me, though I have done it so many times, it was only now when I realized that I have missed out on so many things that might have made things a lot easier.

I have never failed on drawing the line, showing my complete limitation and building up fences that will protect me from painful damages that people might bring to me. But the thing is, little did I know, I am causing more damage to myself. And before I knew it, I have trapped myself inside this closed area, away from people, suffocated and stranded in the present that has caused much trepidation-I have done it too much.

"Throw caution to the wind"

That’s what I’ve been putting in my mind lately. For if I have done it earlier, I might’ve met people that might help me see things better. So, it’s what I am going to do now that I have a chance to start over again. I am going to throw caution to the wind, take off those lines and fences and let myself be exposed to the things around me. I just need to be prepared to face the things that might come…

still life...

“Don’t let go!”

I held his hand tighter when I heard him. His voice was rather distant. I guess it’s because I am slowly falling into a blissful trance that made me feel so far away from the world.

My eyes are closed. I can barely hear anything, just my laughter and sudden screams. Again, I tightened my grip to his hand so that I won’t slip away. And there’s a force, a force that’s pulling me backwards, a force that I know I have to fight.

We are spinning, facing each other and holding each other’s hand. And that seems to be the best memory I have of him. I tried to hear him one more time, but he seems to be farther away from me. And though I know I am holding his hands, I can’t feel his closeness. His presence is nonexistent.

We are spinning faster as time passes by. And after a few moments, we we’re like the wind – weightless, happy and free. It feels great!

But then I opened my eyes. I first saw the sky going around and around and around as if there’s never going to be tomorrow. I smiled, seeing the beauty of it. And then I looked at him. But the moment I caught his eyes, I suddenly felt everything- every single thing there is to feel. I fixed my eyes on him, and it was heavy, too heavy to carry. I slowed down my pace for I feel something weighing me down. Then all of the sudden, without even thinking about it, I let go.

It ended. I know I have fallen onto the ground. I never moved, for I know that I’ll soon enter the painful reality. I feel my tears slowly crawling on my cheeks. I opened my mouth to scream, but only a sudden whisper came out- a painful whisper…

“He’s gone…”

The fire fades away

Most of everyday

Is full of tired excuses

But it's to hard to say

I wish it were simple

But we give up easily

You're close enough to see that

You're the other side of the world to me ...

bed...

(well, it's a little bit "mature", but heck, not much of a big deal! hehehe...it is just a story that came out of my freaking brain for no reason at all..so pardon me if some may get offended..)

I remember feeling the warm rays of the sun on my face the moment I woke up. I tried to stand up but then felt my brain throbbing as if there’s a drum being played inside it. I closed my eyes again and tried to sleep, but the sun’s rays seem to be very determined to keep me awake as it easily escape through the small opening between those think curtains.

I lie on my back thinking of what had happened last night that had caused this headache. I closed my eyes again while giving my head a light massage to at least make it feel a little better. Have I had too much to drink? I mean, I know where my friends and I had been last night. I am very much aware of what I am doing. But then it hit me. I opened my eyes again and looked around-I was not in my room.

I stood up with much effort not to fall for everything seems to be turning the moment I seated myself up. I looked around, dark room, clothes scattered everywhere, empty liquor bottles, and, yes, just what I have been dreading- on the bed, a woman fast asleep under the blanket.

I don’t know what to do. I had exceeded my limitations of being a person. My heart was beating hard, as if it will come out of my chest anytime soon. I just stood there, looking at her, confused with so much emotions building inside me. I put on my clothes, wanting to run away from this mess. Should I even run away?

I was already on the door when I looked back to get a better look at her face. I don’t know what really happened, but it stopped me from leaving. I walked back towards the bed and sat on it. I can’t take my gaze off of her, I just can’t. The room was a little brighter since the sun has completely risen. Her face is just stunning, and though her eyes were closed I know it’s beautiful, I remember seeing and admiring it so much. Her black hair that extends to her naked back makes her more beautiful. I watched her breathe as she continues to sleep peacefully. I know that I should be leaving, but something made me stop, something in her made me feel happy. And, instead of leaving, without taking my eyes off her, I lie down again. It was a completely different way to find love. I know she might leave, but I still held her hand, with the hopes of this not ending anytime soon. Then I closed my eyes…

crashing down...

Raining Fireworks by =couleur on deviantART

Lights flashed in different colors on Tegan’s eyes as she watches the fireworks display from the coast of the city. It has always been her dream to do such thing as she let her time to go pass by without a single worry to think of. She held her cup of coffee tight in her hands as though it is the only way to keep her from reality and in this dream for the longest time possible. No posthumous fragments of the memory she had tried to forget, no future to think of, just now, the present wherein a jolt of happiness has filled her for the first time in about six months. And although she had tried her best not to cry, tears were still able to escape from the grip of her bright blue eyes.

She has crashed down, with not a single idea on where to start again or how to be whole again. There has been so much in her mind that she had decided to ran away for a while and escape the feeling of being alone and completely deprived.

The fireworks continued as she tries to recall every single moment of her life for the past year. Yes, there are happy moments, people to love, people who love her, and things, just things that are enough to make her the happiest woman in the world. But then again, there is always something missing. Never had she realized it, not until, she had hit rock bottom and lost everything and everyone. And before that, all along, she had thought her life was perfect.

“Why spend this beautiful time alone?”

Tegan looked at her back and there loomed a man walking towards her.

“I mean, this is no place for someone like you to be alone.”

Tegan didn’t answer. She had never wanted to be disturbed in this precious moment of hers that she had been waiting for the longest time.

The man stood beside her. He is a tall dark man, in some rugged clothes, and also holding a cup of coffee in his hand.

“What do you want me to do?” replied Tegan as she wipes off her tears from her eyes, “I need this, I need to be alone.”

“Here.” Said the man then facing her and wiped her tears off with his handkerchief.

Tegan looked back and continue to admire the beautiful show in the sky and tried to ignore the man. And yet, she can’t stop thinking of what a perfect story this could be, if only loves this person. But, of course, how could she, she has no slightest idea who he is. Plus, he’s a complete opposite of her. She’s clean, with meticulous taste and well rounded. And he, he seems to enjoy the world by riding around at night and spending most of his hard earned money in useless stuff. He looks like he’s a type of person who’d run barefoot in the whole city just for fun.

“You know, it is really not advisable to spend you lowest point of life alone.” He said after sipping from his coffee

“What makes you thi-” Tegan is ready to argue with him but she stopped for the guy held out his hand towards her

“Here,” he said with a smile, “hold this, it’ll help.”

Tegan looked at the guy’s face and was very surprised to what she saw- a person who’d be there no matter who she is, or where she had been, a person so beautiful for no matter how he looked like outside he was still able to show warmth to someone from his deep emotions. She took the guys hand and held it tight. And for the first time she felt that she’s real. Started crying again for she know that she had found the missing piece of her life…

underage thinking...

Coffee and Cigarettes by ~gruvistim on deviantART

I always like my coffee black, with only a small amount of sugar, and a little milk for some creamy sensation. That’s one of my few outlets of stress, a laid back moment, some smooth music and a good book to read. That’s my world, not a single strand of chaos should enter it, or some smoky place that would entrance you to some endless dancing and screaming.

Yep, that’s me, someone who doesn’t like much chaos in his life. Well, that’s what I just realized some three hours ago. So I guess, no matter how much I have tried to go with the cool music being played, it will never be my world.

And now, I am back here, fronting the computer listening to some slow music with my cup coffee feeling much relieved unlike a while ago, full of worries on how to survive the non-stop dancing of people getting wild and not to catch the smell of their cigars (unfortunately I failed, I smell like an ashtray, and hopefully my parents won’t notice it…hehehe).

I am well off silent, enjoying the cool breeze in our balcony or the cute music of some bossa nova-ish sounds in some cafés. No letting go and throwing caution in the air. Knowing that there’s no trouble coming towards me without such warning is enough for me. No other people, just myself, or if ever, I am with my closest friends sharing life, secrets and experiences.

I wouldn’t endure such noise to just let myself loose again. And though I sound a little bit nerdy, geeky, or dead, it wouldn’t matter anymore, at least I can very much express myself and most importantly, be myself….

finding the things to say...

After experiencing one whole semester in hell due to relentless sleepless nights and crappy frustrations, I have realized that I lost my proper sense of expressing myself. I guess it is because I barely have enough time to have some stroll without thinking of how to solve problems, relax my mind or even open a book and finish it without destroying my whole schedule.

It’s been a complete struggle, and though it has been almost a week since our vacation started, I am still having a hard time to find the right words to make complete sense of things that I want to say. I guess, even though all my accounting books are already neatly placed in one corner of my room and will not be opened until early next month, I still am trapped in the freaking world of “responsibility”…

to my surprise a while ago, I involuntarily made a schedule for the whole week, took down some reminders on how to survive another month of book keeping to prevent myself from being fired (regular na pala ako according to my uncle!hahaha), and made a list of things to be done before the break ends…I am finding it really hard to adjust from being busy to having more than enough time to complete a week’s worth of work in a day. But I really am hoping to have those expressing mojos back again. But even though I am missing my busy life, I am so thankful God created sembreak!

just being there...

I always fret the day when a friend of mine would come to me, tell me their biggest problem in the world and then expect the greatest enlightenment from me. But all I can do is just stare at him and tell him that life’s like that and all they have to do is just deal with the fucking life.

Like I said in my previous post, I prevent, that’s the only thing that I can do. So I haven’t got any slightest ideas on how to be able to survive a serious heartache, a freaking consequence from irresponsible drinking, a crappy friend, or even a mistake done with complete consciousness.

You might think that I am such a selfish weirdo who just can’t give some damn crazy whatever. But here the thing, I am trying, I am so fucking trying to think of things to say that might help you get your life and move on…

So don’t get all mad at me when I get all speechless and kind of avoid you when you are forcing me to say something to just make you feel better, because that’s not my thing…all I can do is, be there and tell you “ikaw kasi eh”

It found me to hold me
But I don't like it at all
Won't feed it,
Won't grow it
It's folded in my stomach;
It's not fair,
I found love;
It made me say that.
Get back,
You'll never see daylight;
If I'm not strong it just might.

the magic that wasn't there...

Can one thing be so perfect – a thing so magical that you have forgotten to see things and realize what’s deeper and much clear? Can one moment be so great that you never really know what’s more or less? I don’t really know. Maybe…

But I guess there are times that we just want to stay it the way it is. No other added stories to make it complicated, just those laughs, those moments together, those simple glimpse that you thought will never end. I guess it will be harder if it’s anything other than something simple.

Sometimes it is really hard to let it all go, yet in the end you have no choice, but to simply turn your back and walk away. I don’t really know why the hell I am writing this or even thinking something so beyond my emotional comprehension. But what if, both of you are there? Just waiting for some sort of fairy tale ending that will definitely change the course of time, life and whatever is in front of you.

It really is very tough to deal with all these circumstances of risking and trying to find whatever you have missed in the right place, or even trying to catch the painful crash of those feeling that seem to blur your sight…

Was there really magic in this kind of story, or simply the reality of it being so complex and beyond reality?

unexpressed...

Words-sometimes words cannot be enough to express everything in you. And what’s more unfortunate is that sometimes, even something as beautiful as music cannot substitute for the tears you want to shed. And what’s worse, you are left with moments- some silent point in time wherein you are left motionless and stunned, without any idea on what the hell to do to be able to move on.

Dusk, I think that’s the best way to describe this feeling. For it shows a hanging time-a struggle between two different dimensions. It gives a mixture of anticipation, depression and relief. A degree wherein you try to appreciate the place on where you are no matter how hard it is, and at the same time you are yearning to go back to the start where in there aren’t any complications, just the basics. But the thing is it’s too late to go back.

And again, that’s one thing. We are sometimes so used on things being so complicated that we forget to just go back to the basic. But how are we going to go back? Everyday we are sent out to a journey wherein we are taught of complexities and perplexities to the point that we are numb and incapable to regaining control of time and live. And then, everything around us is technical.

As I watch the sunset and the lights slowly being turned on as the night take over. I realized that I have been out of control. My grasp for what I have been working hard for had slipped away. And now, in this moment, there are neither words nor music, just this moment. And though it’s far from being a trance, I am motionless, and struggling to have an idea on how to move on…

damned...

Well, it is happening again, as if it is bound to happen. 12 midnight, awake, not a single sign of drowsiness, just full of stress, numbers, cramming, and computations. I can’t believe how fast time is…I can barely follow through the pacing of the world. Well, at least I am doing a better job than last semester, which apparently blew me into pieces.

Now I am again, awake, but unlike before, struggling with multi-tasking. I am fronting the computer, trying to find a way on how to write and layout my freaking project, while thinking of the fastest possible way to solve problems in accounting and then prioritizing the hellish job of mine. Good thing my “boss/uncle” told me that to worry about my studies first before his “books”, well, good for me.

radio…waaah! I am freakishly obsessed with radio(well, I just found out)..I don’t really know why, but no matter how "in" mp3 players are, I just can’t let go of my radio…I need it badly! That’s why I am still hanging on this old phone of mine because of its radio function…I think it’s my only way in knowing what’s new, what’s happening in this world and whatever…

messy…yes, my room is messy again and the thing is, it’s not just my room, I had conquered our living room and dining room because of the huge of numbers of books that I have, from novels to textbooks…all grouped in subjects, usefulness, difficulty and beauty(for my novels..) placed in an organized way, open in pages where I last left it and ready for reading…

I can’t wait for sembreak! Which is in about two weeks!