silent whispers...

It was when I lit a candle and watch it burn down when I realized that I really don’t have to scream out loud and shed so much tears just to let everything out. Because no matter how heavy the burden that I am carrying, it seems to float just float away.

looking out for you... by *Zendar on deviantART

I don’t really go to churches alone, I mean, I am always with my family whenever I go there. And last Thursday was the first time I entered one without anyone with me. I sat on one of the many long benches and look at some nothingness there while thinking of all the things that I am going through. Some says it’s shallow or something, but heck, it’s the only thing that I am concentrating on, it’s the only thing that I am living for as of the moment. So why not make a big deal out of it? It is simply crazy, but that just the way it is.

Left prayers by *OnVee1 on deviantART

I never really thought of, me going in a church spontaneously and then just stay there, feel the presence of the emotions that are washing over me. I guess, though my eyes aren’t close and I am not kneeling down, I am saying a prayer. Simply thanking of having such place to run to whenever there is too much chaos in my mind. Yeah, and I know that is the reason why there are so many people in that church even though at that time everyone is supposedly busy doing their works or studying. It is the only refuge one’s soul can run to at times when there’s just something too much to take.

There is so much to captivate in a church, may you have a reason for going there or not, the silence of the whole place is something to appreciate. The gift of having some sweet reverie of the momentary stillness of time is too beautiful to ignore. And in the end, faith is all you need as you watch those prayers in your heart to float away with the candle’s silent whispers.

drowning...

“Pointless” that is what my friend said after telling her how I felt after staying under the pool for about a minute.

drowning by ~spaaaaaacecadet on deviantART

Well, it is kinda crazy, but I think it worked for me. It’s one of the many things that I had ever wanted to feel. You know, the feeling of being so weightless, so light, that no matter how much you wanted to be down you just keep on floating like a wandering soul waiting for its time to be consumed by something far better than the limbo. It is such bliss for me to hear all those screams and laughs that seem so distant from me. Yes, that is how I wanted to feel for some time, to be far away, to wander around and to feel no burden inside me, but just like any slap on the face, fate had already written it for so long that you have no choice but to rise up again and face all those people enjoying the time of their lives with a smile.

I guess, at some point of one’s happiness, a person still yearns to have this momentary stillness that, even though, it is more that enough he would still wish for it to be longer. But the thing is, wanting it too much is so foolish, because when you had too much bliss of comfort you will end up falling with a loud painful thud at the end.

I want to be weightless, at some give time, because right now I would just want to realize that this reality I am living in is much better than any other thing that consists of being whole and without any stress…

Our times...

waah! first time to use the phrase "our love" in my poem...

reminder : I was never in love...

time by ~Vive-Le-Rock on deviantART

Will you sing it to me again?

Those words, unrelenting

Giving no chances in our time

Clearly, it was never too late

To move on against me

Against life and against our fate

Will it ever be close to you?

For me to just let go-

For you to completely undo;

Will it kill the very moment?

To stop the move of time

To take everything what's mine

Just to prolong what our love once meant…

vacation!

I don’t know if I ought to call this two-day vacation a blessing or yet another hidden torment in my school life, since it will prolongs my trepidation regarding my studies. Well, at least, yesterday I was able to hang out with some of my close friends!

Hanging out!

I had so much fun! I think it was summer since I last fooled around, talked and laughed hard with my friends. Oh how I miss them so much!

having fun with the costumes in the studio

more costumes!

cat's pictorial for her debut!

Accountancy…

I really don’t know why the heck I keep blogging about this weirded part of my life. I think it is because this is what is currently taking over my life. And as our midterm approaches, I am giving myself lesser time for leisure and other stuffs and more time reading, solving problems, and trying to understand the momentum of whatsoever is in the assets stuffs of a business entity (okay I don’t need anyone to understand that part… I don’t either).

Norah Jones…

I’ve been a little fan of Norah Jones lately. It helps me to relax a little bit. I listen to her songs whenever I take breaks from reviewing, before going to sleep and even the moment I wake up. I like listening to her songs! Especially “come away with me” it makes me want to just take off with my imaginary convertible car, go to our province, enjoy the warm rays of the sun, feel the cool breeze of the sea while listening to it’s utterly soft songs created by it waves, and then fill myself up with my favorite food, crabs, and not minding how red I will look for the next few hours because of allergic reaction.

Life of a haggard...

“Were you able to do out assignment in inventories?” asked my classmate the moment I entered our classroom.

All I did was sit beside her, look at the board and try to recall what the heck inventories had to do with my life?

“Were you able to answer our assignment in accounting?” she asked again, almost screaming at me

Then it hit me, I have lost everything I have tried to fit in my brain last night. I then took out two pages of battered yellow pad and handed it to her. Out of the almost 20 questions I was able to answer about 7 items only.

It had been a very very jittery morning for me- a very tiring one, rather. After realizing that I only have about a week to study for our midterm departmental exams the night before, all I was able to do was, try to fit everything in my not so full schedule and continuously thinking of things and ways on how I am going to survive this very very hard part of my semi-charmed college life. Good thing I am already used in being awake all night to study until around 5am and then asleep at 1pm ‘til around 6 in the evening (this is very helpful to me since it is easier to concentrate at night).

Well, a while ago, our professor (I will soon write a book about him, together with a compilation of his quotations..wahahaha) wrapped up our lessons for the first half of this semester. I can’t explain the joy I am feeling to know that all I have to worry about are seven chapters in our very thick book. Plus it is a huge relief to know that there’s nothing to study in advance for a moment and all the efforts are to be exerted for reviews.

Waah! I do hope everything falls into its proper place. I can’t imagine how I will look after this adventure, but I know haggardness will surely be in for me. Waah! Hopefully I will look normal in my friend’s debut since it is in between my departmental exams and non-departmental exams…

my highlights for today..

1. bought brain foods (peanut butter; can't eat peanut alone) and fresh milk
2. stalked a former friend (hehehe...curious of how she's doing)
3. dreamt owning a CAR!
4. almost got run over by a taxi (it always happen! this is my nth life!)

all eyes...

Nocturnal-Whisper stock-18 by ~NocturnalWhisper-St on deviantART

He would open his eyes to see the setting of the sun-there’s no rhythm. Silence, maybe. For as he slowly lifts his feet to dance, he can barely remembers the last embrace of the words that had took him away from the noise made by the past. Had I been the witness of his paradox-maybe? But there’s no timing slow enough to move along with him, not even the slightest momentum to pull him back from his strong delirium.

He would look up the darkening sky, the colors reflecting the lights that flash back in him. He would whisper the faint chants to move back, maybe, to take off the regrets he is feeling inside. No matter how much he had moved forward his eyes still contours what seems to be a part where everyone doesn’t want to let go of. There were no colors to reveal his melancholy, for as he passed through the deepest abyss he would simply fade out. I can see he had run out of memories to fulfill and dreams to remember.

Maybe it’s the scent? The addictive and distinctive scent of losing what was way beyond any paradigm. It’s was all make believe. For as I watch him close his eyes and fall back there is nothing to remember him of, nothing to sought after. For now, he had been a phantom…

self destruct..

Mr. Self Destruct by ~teruus on deviantART

I was feeing under the weather for the few days, and all that I was able to do in my free time is lie on my bed, listen to my radio, and imagine things that I think will trigger some self-destruct button in me.

It’s crazy to think that there is so much in me that is frail, as of the moment, and all it takes for me to explode into pieces is just a wrong move. But that, for me, is one of the greatest messes in one’s life. Because, at some point, you know that doing something beyond the line can cause so much destruction and yet you still do it. It’s something so enticing, something you just can’t ignore, something you just have to bite into. I guess this is how I live my 17-year-old life. It’s a complete balance of seriousness and wildness. It’s like knowing what direction you should take but once in a while, you would try to get lost and follow whatever you are feeling to do so and discover another world beyond the rules and then using your brain to get back on the right way. Some may think it’s dangerous, it’s insane, and it’s simply evil, but I think there’s a huge difference between experiencing something and going beyond your limitations (wow I think this is another lame excuse for me to drink! But I am done with it na!).

I am very sure that the game that I am playing is painful and dangerous but I would rather live like this with so much caution, knowing which lines to cross and not, rather that isolating myself from all the evil that surrounds me and making myself more vulnerable to the bites of reality. It’s a matter of knowing your limitation, right?……ü

rain dance...

A fun day:

been humming old songs

went to school

ate 2 sundaes from Mcdo

crossed many deep floods

and drenched myself with so much alcohol(ang kati kasi nung baha)...

My Favorite Rainy Day song!

Now the parking lot is empty

Everyone's gone someplace

I pick you up and in the trunk

I've packedA cooler and a 2-day suitcase

Cause there's a place we like to drive

Way out in the country

Five miles out of the city limit we're singing

And your hand's upon my knee

So we're okay

We're fine

Baby I'm here to stop your crying

Chase all the ghosts from your head

I'm stronger than the monster beneath your bed

Smarter than the tricks played on your heart

We'll look at them together then we'll take them apart

Adding up the total of a love that's true

Multiply life by the power of two

You know the things that

I am afraid ofI'm not afraid to tell

And if we ever leave a legacy

It's that we loved each other well

Cause I've seen the shadows of so many people

Trying on the treasures of youth

But a road that fancy and fast

Ends in a fatal crash

And I'm glad we got off

To tell you the truth

All the shiny little trinkets of temptation

(Make new friends)

Something new instead of something old

(But keep the old)

All you gotta do is scratch beneath the surface

(But remember what is gold)

And it's fools gold

(What is gold)

Fools gold

(What is gold)

Fools gold

Now we're talking about a difficult thing

And your eyes are getting wet

I took us for better and I took us for worse

Don't you ever forget it

Now the steel bars between me and a promise

Suddenly bend with ease

The closer I'm bound in love to you

The closer I am to free

So we're okay

We're fine

Baby I'm here to stop your crying

Chase all the ghosts from your head

I'm stronger than the monster beneath your bed

Smarter than the tricks played on your heart

We'll look at them together then we'll take them apart

Adding up the total of a love that's true...

Multiply life by the power of two

on stage...

You open your eyes, the curtains roll back, you hear the music play, and the spot light is on you. Strings attached- you move as the hand above you moves along the sound. You sing, dance, laugh, cry, and every now and then you get surprised by some twist that you never knew existed until it happened.

Life is, for me, is like a huge play- a musical, an act or even worse, a puppet show. One thing in common, though, everything is planned ahead. There’s a script, a story, or at least, a faint glimpse of what to do. You know what song to sing at that moment. You know when to scream your lungs out, when to jump around, or even fool around. You know you will meet other characters, though you don’t really know them, you are ready to meet such people. You know at some point, you have to put a mask, try to cover what you really are feeling. For as people watch you run along and act along the beautifully written tale of yours, you learn to accept that you have to please everybody.

But the greatest irony of it, my most hated part, is the big things. It happens in any part of the play- it just happens. It’s when you thought you have everything pinned down for good but to your surprise it has pinned you down instead. It is when all of the sudden you realize that there is no music to play anymore, no song to sing, no story to follow, and no strings attached to guide you. It’s when you find out that it’s all about you; it’s all about your song, your story, and your own strings. It is when you have to write your own script-everyday a blank page waiting to be filled up by no one else but you. It’s when it doesn’t really matter if you have a face sans mask, for you won’t care about others anymore, because you have to think of yourself first. It’s when you can’t just sleep at night, trying to muster all your strength to get yourself through it. It’s when, all you ever wanted to do is not an arms reach, but rather, an ocean, on which you are trying to build a bridge to get over with.

In the end, it’s all up to you. In the end, you are to define everything. And in the end, it’s your choice if that play will have a happy ending.

A vampire's midnight ode...

On which shall I fall
Behind the moonlight’s toll
Of the free flowing
With the blood’s new awe

Drenched by the midnight song
I bid life so long
For in darkness I bask
There’s nothing more I can ask

No sweet reverie of the day
From the distant pleasure of May
I stand within no fear of the way
For fear has nothing to pay

I breathe life’s immortality
An inch away from heartbreak
Crazed to face fatality
And created to live yet to take…

weekly psycho babble...

This week for me is kinda weird, fun yet tiring. It is like a pointless, boring, everyday weirdness chronicle which contains such phrases: getting lost in EDSA, Vampire dreams, and three straight sleepless nights followed by two straight days of nothing but pure sleep.

Well, EDSA is my newest playground. If I want to fool around and escape the relentless pains and pressures of school, all I have to do is take a bus ride (I don’t like MRT! It will cause so much insanity to me!) to Galleria or Megamall!
It started when I was asked to claim something for my sister at Robinson’s Galleria. It’s kinda scary at first because of some people looking all bad and suspicious. Heck I was even approach by some stranger asking me to come with him because there’s some crime happened in somewhere (unfortunately I am not that stupid to come). Well, I had fun, so I won’t regret doing it all over again. And yes it happened last Wednesday when I was asked to run some errand at Megamall. Plus I get to eat Krispy Kreme (may free doughnut pa ako nung bumili ako!!) (try the new Hershey’s on Krispy Kreme! Waah! May dark chocolate flavor pa!)

It was Wednesday night when I found out that we no have classes the next day and on Friday! So after reviewing for three straight nights and getting almost no sleep! I decided to relax and read the book that I bought last week (Interview with the Vampire). I haven’t finished the book yet though, because every time I read it, I will suddenly fall asleep after an hour. So I ended up sleeping the whole Thursday and almost 2/3 of this Friday. Plus, whenever I sleep I only dream of one thing, the book that I am reading. But the thing is it is not scary, because in my dream, I am the Vampire!

Well, that pretty much wraps up my week…it’s weird though... And I think this post is one of the many psycho babbles that I just have to take out of my system…

fatality...

Sometimes as I cross the very fatal highway to our school, I wonder. Of all the people in the world crossing this road, will there come a day when I will be one of those unfortunate people who will end his day without knowing his tragic story? I mean, will it ever occur to me, a momentary halt of time, a flashback of my life, and some weird unidentified feeling inside of me? Though I know that at some point of time it will be my choice. I can choose to take hold of the small wrinkle in time and act ahead to the fatality or I can just stand there, look at whatever is there and let everything end in a flat line, a silence that is not meant to be broken.

.silence is bronze. by ~cisya on deviantART

There are nights when I would just lie down and look up at the nothingness above me (in short, ceiling), trying to figure out endless points that most of people are trying to prove. Sometimes there are just things that I can’t really understand. Maybe when I experience some heavy crash and burn, I can fully understand it? But for now, at some point, I would just grasp whatever is there within my reach, whether how hard it is or not.

What else could I really say? Sometimes I wish I would just disappear on the face of this world. Sometimes I just want to be empty, be weightless as a feather, to feel the lightness of life and when I felt the feeling of floating time or at least the freedom to fly away from here. Then maybe I could find at least peace for an hour.

Crazy it is for me to talk about so much nonsense in my life. Sometimes I just really want to be free from all this life’s greatest lessons and just be in some placid state of whatever…

back to business...

Monday, 3 in the morning, under my blanket, awakened by the vibration of my phone; 50 messages received. Can my life be weirder, fifty messages, most of which came from people I don’t know? Well, it doesn’t really matter now, because when I rose from my bed I realized that this week is a road to hell. I must have dozed off, because the lights are still on, the door is open, and I wasn’t able to turn off my radio. I looked around my room and, there, I saw so many things that I haven’t taken care of: crumpled worksheets, laundered clothes that needs sorting, unpacked luggage, stuffs that I bought last Monday and was untouched ever since, a screwed up planner (need to buy a new one), receipts everywhere, piles of textbooks that was left open (so that I can access my lessons easily), index cards (my new notebook), bottles of C2, Pepsi, and mineral water.

My life is so messy and I think it will be a lot messier as time passes. I never thought of my room being so wasted on the early part of this semester. I guess I have been busy. But how could I be busy, when all I did this week is eat, get lost in EDSA, look for a TRANSFORMERS action figure, watch movies, and sleep? Then it came to me, I lost track of my stuffs!!! I looked at my screwed up planner and saw nothing written on the current week and the next week.

Damn, that is all I can say.

I wanted to clean my room but the thing is, as of the moment, it will be easier for me to find all the important stuffs that I place somewhere in the four corners of my room as long as I can remember where exactly I threw it (east, west, north or south). (For the record, I am so not proud of this)

I looked at my planner again and try to remember all the stuffs that I have to put in mind. Good thing, all of my quizzes are done last week, and I have no work for a month! So all I have to worry about is my studies and my father’s monthly tax report thing for the BIR. So I guess it is time for me to go back to the dirty business that I have escaped from last week. And, again, I am to bury my face into those thick books, stay up until two in the morning, drown myself with endless caffeine and try to understand the weirdness of accounting.

I yawned the moment I closed my planner. I looked at my clock and realized it was still 3:30am. So I took a post-it, write a reminder to fix my stuffs tomorrow, threw my planner somewhere east of my room (got to remember that!), and try to sleep again(Heck! I am going to make the most out of this sleep! Plus, I know that a long sleep like this is very rare so I have to grab the opportunity!)…… I am so going to be ready for my hell week!

overspending...

I was on my way home from school when I realized that I only have 20 bucks left in my wallet! Good thing I have an extra 100 bucks that I keep in my bag in case of emergencies like this.

I can’t believe I overspent this week, and the bad part is I can’t even remember where and when did I spent that almost two weeks worth of allowance. I can’t believe I got carried away, again, in spending for things that aren’t even that important. I always remember my mom scolding me about spending too much and how money can’t be found just about anywhere.

It’s kind of a shame for me not to be able to trace all my expenses in a week, heck, I am an accounting, and one of my future jobs is to track all the expenses of a business entity, and clearly I have failed doing it now.

I can’t really explain why I spend so much on things that aren’t that necessary, I mean, I try checking my wallet for some receipts that might remind me of the things that I bought and here are some :

1. Two orders of California Maki from Tokyo Tokyo (my goodness, I think I know why I had allergies yesterday, so much for my cravings…)
2. One frap, two slices of cake and a cinnamon swirl (okay, I remember not being able to finish those…sheeesh)
3. 100pesos worth of load (it’s the seller’s mistake so I decided to pay for it...I said 15 I don't know where on earth did she get the idea that I want 100pesos worth of load)

Waaah! I think I had a gluttonous week! I must learn to be thrifty! I can’t afford to overspend anymore!

rains...

At last, I caught the rain as it falls on the ground. I love the rain, I love standing outside with my umbrella while listening to its soft dropping sound that seems like some lullaby to my soul. For me, rain is one of those sweet blessings from above that makes you realize that you are alive. It awakens my senses and gives a soft tap on my soul whenever it falls down onto my skin and the coldness that it brings reminds me of the warmth that I have in me, proving to me that I am real. Sometimes when it rains I would not open my umbrella I would just let it take over me, I would let it take me into some fantasy that would disguise my true emotions, it will hide the tears in my eyes yet it will wash off the pain and the sorrows I have in me. The rain is always a refuge for me, for it would make me stop for a moment and think of the happiest thoughts that I have. Every rain drop is a pensive of memory that will always be a mark in my heart. Every dripping sound it makes when it hits something will always send a spark of happiness in me.

Hard rain by `gilad on deviantART

Rain is something big for me, it will always remind me of my friends and family and how I spend time with them, for they are very much my umbrella whenever a storm comes to my life, a sweet refuge from the coldness life can bring.

I can't escape the fury of the lord tears

It punishes me for simply living for all these years

Is there a lesson to be learned from this hard rain?

Do I deserve this, or is this god gone insane?

They say that the lord works in mysterious ways

If it's true, I seem to be having one of his bad days

I would like now for this rain to stop just for a while

Like god is still contemplating the sentence of my trial

(taken from 'gilad )