the hell with growing!?

It’s been ages since I last put my thoughts on paper (or rather on my blog), and right now, all my thoughts have piled up occupying most of my sane mind. Unfortunately, as much as I want to have more time for leisure and stuff, I barely have any. Actually I don’t even have the time to catch my breath that much. And the only time left in my pocket is only enough for me to be able to get some energy for what lies ahead.

Well, actually, that’s not my main thing in this blogpost. My thoughts right now are pretty much preoccupied by something called growth… I mean, seriously, all of us want to grow, whether physically, emotionally, mentally and whatsoever. But hell, no one really told me it would be so complicated.

It’s weird to be thinking about this right now, because, come to think of it I should know how it is like already. But apparently I decided to experience it just now. Who knew it would be hard, utterly strange, sluggish and exhausting! If only I knew how to deal with it earlier my life would be more fun and less tiring.

Growth, according to my handy dandy dictionary, is some process of becoming larger and more mature!!! Well, it’s some part of it but you get the point. Why on earth do I want to grow!? I really don’t know. But here’s what I learn:

1. Growing means you have to step out of your comfort zone

2. If you want to grow, you have to accept the fact that you’re some pathetic imbecile that will never be good for anything if you just sit on one corner and watch the whole world revolve around you

3. You have to meet other people who are way beyond comprehension!!! Seriously!! Sometimes I run out of ideas how to deal with those people.

4. And some other stuff…

I just realized a while ago how happy I can be with just my notebook and pen!!!! :D

I need more TIME!!!!!!!!

“All of us were given an ample of time- 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and so on. And, yes, it’s more than enough. It’s just a matter of GREAT time management.”

That is one of the many things that one of my friends told me when I kept ranting about not having enough time. It really does make sense. But the thing is it’s awfully hard to be able to distribute time properly to the things that you have to accomplish. I mean, most of the time you get sidetracked by things that is quite hard to ignore. And also, time management is needs heaps of discipline. The thing is I barely have any when it comes to focusing on things to be done. So I guess I really have to do some adjusting.

(So to my friends who are expecting a little of me to spend a night with them! I am so sorry!!! Because all I can say is “so much for my social life”)

Things that made my happy today regardless of how much it ended so “ragefully” (it’s really irritating how exhaustion can really get into people’s nerves!!):

1. my ever cute doggie who just doesn’t give up on making himself cute so that he can get a treat

2. pats on my back for a job-not-so-well-done :D

3. Chocolates!!!

4. No school this Saturday!!!

Cease to exist

What on earth is the meaning of every breathing moment in life? I mean, technically you live, breathe, laugh, cry and even feel a little bit weird sometimes-all of these you do for the sake of existing. I know, reading that two previous sentence may sound ridiculous because basically I MIGHT be missing the point here. But I mean, seriously, of all the years that you’ve been living on this Earth, at some point in time you’d wish that you’ll just cease to exist.

What is it with all the things here? I mean all the things that matter. Because the thing is, they eat you alive. Of course, at first, you want to have this kind of moment when you think you just can’t hope for anything more. But then you realize you just can’t have them. You’d start pulling them out of you but it’s too late for they had sunk so deep into your system that they reached the very core of your humanity. In the end, you’ll just wish to disappear for even a single second, leaving everything behind.

let me end this with a dream...

All that I want...

Isang blogpost na pinauso ni cien!!!! Hehehehehe…

So here’s my wish list that took me a week to complete…whew…who knew that making one is hard work!!

1. CDs!!!!!!

Keane’s Perfect Symmetry and the Gossip Girl Soundtrack(OMFGG)… :D

2. Books!!

JD Salinger’s works and the 2008 winner of man booker prize (I think it’s white tiger, I forgot the title) and Anne Enright’s The Gathering(also shorlisted in man booker prize..I think the book also won..I just can’t remember). The man booker prize org thing always chooses the best books! And Salinger’s style is so addictive that you want to read his books over and over…Haruki Murakami too!!!

3. Lomo Cam

I want the Holga…hehehehe..

4. Molskine Notebook!!!

This would really make me happy!!!

5. Haruki Murakami Planner

I’m not a planner person, but heck, this planner is so cool!!

6. Wallet

Ever since my wallet got stolen back in first year college I have been using my Garfield wallet. The thing is I am getting too old for a Garfield wallet…

7. Watchmen Series

This is the evolution of my love for twilight…I mean, the twilight series is over and I want another vampire series…so why not try a graphic novel? But heck, graphic novels are expensive!! I want to watch true blood too!!!

8. Mango Bravo!!

Seriously! This cake never left my mind the moment I tasted it! It’s heaven!!!!

9. Photographic memory

Who doesn’t need this? I wish I can have Lexie Grey’s memory so that memorizing won’t be a problem! With this, accounting would be slightly easier…

10. Mogwai membership

Mogwai is a small cafe and movie house...you have to be a member to be able to watch their movies…their membership is a little bit pricey…

I need my cigarette break

I don’t really smoke, but I really need to take a breather. You know, the kind that smokers do in the middle of their work just to ease things up. That’s what I want to do, minus the cigar. I mean, seriously, I know it’s just the start of the semester and all but there are a lot of other things that has been happening and it causes my brain to do some overdrive. I think it’s quite usual for people like me to experience that. You know, I’m one of those people who just don’t have any idea what to do next right after the task assigned to him is done. And not really knowing what to do can really drive me crazy. I just need a cigarette break. Maybe a walk will do, or dining out with some of my closest friends or even a long dreamless sleep…

when people go missing...

It’s awfully hard not to have your “person” by you when you really need him/her. I mean, you just need that kind of person who won’t pass any judgment even though you committed murder, felony, fraud or any other illegal stuff-not that I have done anything like that-and that someone you can spend some time with talking in some old café. I really miss my person and unfortunately, for the time being my person has gone missing for reason only the friggin’ heaven know…

I hate it. I hate how things in life can make one so utterly busy and putting a halt into a relationship, may it be romantic or not (and for future references all of my relationships are not romantic). It can get really frustrating, because sometimes you just want to be angry but you just can’t because you don’t know where or whom to be angry at.

Then there are people who are just there. Regardless of how close you are to that person, he or she will just be there, Existing, not even caring if there’s some earthquake or what. Well my point is, there are these people who exist in your life for the sake of existing. But the thing is, you appreciate their presence because it seems that they keep the balance in your life even though they don’t play a big part of it. So when they leave it’s like entering into a new world that is quite hard to be familiar with and it’s utterly hard to adjust…

I just hate it when people go missing…

Trouble

“Trouble been dogging my soul

Since the day I was born”

It was a single drop of rain that woke my senses up. It was a light touch that grew and took over my whole body, taking the numbness out of me. But then what, what will I feel next? The vulnerability will soon sink in and, eventually, forcing me to hide again. I need some place to run to, something that I can grasp and hold on to.

Tell me, will time be always of the essence? Because, the fact that you cannot take it back always left me yearning for more. If only I can delay misery, then maybe, it would be easier to cope.

been through hell...

“How long have you been doing it!?” awestruck, my cousin asked me

“More or less six months,” I replied, “but that was like ages ago and I'm over it.”

That was our last exchange of words because a few seconds after her friend arrived so we have to immediately change our topic. And after that was an awkward silence, which made it easier for me to hide into my thoughts and try to ponder on the words that left my bloody lips.

What I said to my cousin is some secret that was well kept by everyone who knows, also, it was the very reason why I’m trying to change some bloody aspects of my life. I mean, right now, I am hoping that when I look at this time of my life I will just consider it as a phase that every normal person would encounter and, right now, I’m doing a great job on proving it to be one.

So, all I can say about this is that I’ve been through hell and at my age I know I will be back there. I am just hoping that, like before, it would be with my friends so that it will not be boring…