all eyes...

Nocturnal-Whisper stock-18 by ~NocturnalWhisper-St on deviantART

He would open his eyes to see the setting of the sun-there’s no rhythm. Silence, maybe. For as he slowly lifts his feet to dance, he can barely remembers the last embrace of the words that had took him away from the noise made by the past. Had I been the witness of his paradox-maybe? But there’s no timing slow enough to move along with him, not even the slightest momentum to pull him back from his strong delirium.

He would look up the darkening sky, the colors reflecting the lights that flash back in him. He would whisper the faint chants to move back, maybe, to take off the regrets he is feeling inside. No matter how much he had moved forward his eyes still contours what seems to be a part where everyone doesn’t want to let go of. There were no colors to reveal his melancholy, for as he passed through the deepest abyss he would simply fade out. I can see he had run out of memories to fulfill and dreams to remember.

Maybe it’s the scent? The addictive and distinctive scent of losing what was way beyond any paradigm. It’s was all make believe. For as I watch him close his eyes and fall back there is nothing to remember him of, nothing to sought after. For now, he had been a phantom…

self destruct..

Mr. Self Destruct by ~teruus on deviantART

I was feeing under the weather for the few days, and all that I was able to do in my free time is lie on my bed, listen to my radio, and imagine things that I think will trigger some self-destruct button in me.

It’s crazy to think that there is so much in me that is frail, as of the moment, and all it takes for me to explode into pieces is just a wrong move. But that, for me, is one of the greatest messes in one’s life. Because, at some point, you know that doing something beyond the line can cause so much destruction and yet you still do it. It’s something so enticing, something you just can’t ignore, something you just have to bite into. I guess this is how I live my 17-year-old life. It’s a complete balance of seriousness and wildness. It’s like knowing what direction you should take but once in a while, you would try to get lost and follow whatever you are feeling to do so and discover another world beyond the rules and then using your brain to get back on the right way. Some may think it’s dangerous, it’s insane, and it’s simply evil, but I think there’s a huge difference between experiencing something and going beyond your limitations (wow I think this is another lame excuse for me to drink! But I am done with it na!).

I am very sure that the game that I am playing is painful and dangerous but I would rather live like this with so much caution, knowing which lines to cross and not, rather that isolating myself from all the evil that surrounds me and making myself more vulnerable to the bites of reality. It’s a matter of knowing your limitation, right?……ü

rain dance...

A fun day:

been humming old songs

went to school

ate 2 sundaes from Mcdo

crossed many deep floods

and drenched myself with so much alcohol(ang kati kasi nung baha)...

My Favorite Rainy Day song!

Now the parking lot is empty

Everyone's gone someplace

I pick you up and in the trunk

I've packedA cooler and a 2-day suitcase

Cause there's a place we like to drive

Way out in the country

Five miles out of the city limit we're singing

And your hand's upon my knee

So we're okay

We're fine

Baby I'm here to stop your crying

Chase all the ghosts from your head

I'm stronger than the monster beneath your bed

Smarter than the tricks played on your heart

We'll look at them together then we'll take them apart

Adding up the total of a love that's true

Multiply life by the power of two

You know the things that

I am afraid ofI'm not afraid to tell

And if we ever leave a legacy

It's that we loved each other well

Cause I've seen the shadows of so many people

Trying on the treasures of youth

But a road that fancy and fast

Ends in a fatal crash

And I'm glad we got off

To tell you the truth

All the shiny little trinkets of temptation

(Make new friends)

Something new instead of something old

(But keep the old)

All you gotta do is scratch beneath the surface

(But remember what is gold)

And it's fools gold

(What is gold)

Fools gold

(What is gold)

Fools gold

Now we're talking about a difficult thing

And your eyes are getting wet

I took us for better and I took us for worse

Don't you ever forget it

Now the steel bars between me and a promise

Suddenly bend with ease

The closer I'm bound in love to you

The closer I am to free

So we're okay

We're fine

Baby I'm here to stop your crying

Chase all the ghosts from your head

I'm stronger than the monster beneath your bed

Smarter than the tricks played on your heart

We'll look at them together then we'll take them apart

Adding up the total of a love that's true...

Multiply life by the power of two

on stage...

You open your eyes, the curtains roll back, you hear the music play, and the spot light is on you. Strings attached- you move as the hand above you moves along the sound. You sing, dance, laugh, cry, and every now and then you get surprised by some twist that you never knew existed until it happened.

Life is, for me, is like a huge play- a musical, an act or even worse, a puppet show. One thing in common, though, everything is planned ahead. There’s a script, a story, or at least, a faint glimpse of what to do. You know what song to sing at that moment. You know when to scream your lungs out, when to jump around, or even fool around. You know you will meet other characters, though you don’t really know them, you are ready to meet such people. You know at some point, you have to put a mask, try to cover what you really are feeling. For as people watch you run along and act along the beautifully written tale of yours, you learn to accept that you have to please everybody.

But the greatest irony of it, my most hated part, is the big things. It happens in any part of the play- it just happens. It’s when you thought you have everything pinned down for good but to your surprise it has pinned you down instead. It is when all of the sudden you realize that there is no music to play anymore, no song to sing, no story to follow, and no strings attached to guide you. It’s when you find out that it’s all about you; it’s all about your song, your story, and your own strings. It is when you have to write your own script-everyday a blank page waiting to be filled up by no one else but you. It’s when it doesn’t really matter if you have a face sans mask, for you won’t care about others anymore, because you have to think of yourself first. It’s when you can’t just sleep at night, trying to muster all your strength to get yourself through it. It’s when, all you ever wanted to do is not an arms reach, but rather, an ocean, on which you are trying to build a bridge to get over with.

In the end, it’s all up to you. In the end, you are to define everything. And in the end, it’s your choice if that play will have a happy ending.

A vampire's midnight ode...

On which shall I fall
Behind the moonlight’s toll
Of the free flowing
With the blood’s new awe

Drenched by the midnight song
I bid life so long
For in darkness I bask
There’s nothing more I can ask

No sweet reverie of the day
From the distant pleasure of May
I stand within no fear of the way
For fear has nothing to pay

I breathe life’s immortality
An inch away from heartbreak
Crazed to face fatality
And created to live yet to take…

weekly psycho babble...

This week for me is kinda weird, fun yet tiring. It is like a pointless, boring, everyday weirdness chronicle which contains such phrases: getting lost in EDSA, Vampire dreams, and three straight sleepless nights followed by two straight days of nothing but pure sleep.

Well, EDSA is my newest playground. If I want to fool around and escape the relentless pains and pressures of school, all I have to do is take a bus ride (I don’t like MRT! It will cause so much insanity to me!) to Galleria or Megamall!
It started when I was asked to claim something for my sister at Robinson’s Galleria. It’s kinda scary at first because of some people looking all bad and suspicious. Heck I was even approach by some stranger asking me to come with him because there’s some crime happened in somewhere (unfortunately I am not that stupid to come). Well, I had fun, so I won’t regret doing it all over again. And yes it happened last Wednesday when I was asked to run some errand at Megamall. Plus I get to eat Krispy Kreme (may free doughnut pa ako nung bumili ako!!) (try the new Hershey’s on Krispy Kreme! Waah! May dark chocolate flavor pa!)

It was Wednesday night when I found out that we no have classes the next day and on Friday! So after reviewing for three straight nights and getting almost no sleep! I decided to relax and read the book that I bought last week (Interview with the Vampire). I haven’t finished the book yet though, because every time I read it, I will suddenly fall asleep after an hour. So I ended up sleeping the whole Thursday and almost 2/3 of this Friday. Plus, whenever I sleep I only dream of one thing, the book that I am reading. But the thing is it is not scary, because in my dream, I am the Vampire!

Well, that pretty much wraps up my week…it’s weird though... And I think this post is one of the many psycho babbles that I just have to take out of my system…

fatality...

Sometimes as I cross the very fatal highway to our school, I wonder. Of all the people in the world crossing this road, will there come a day when I will be one of those unfortunate people who will end his day without knowing his tragic story? I mean, will it ever occur to me, a momentary halt of time, a flashback of my life, and some weird unidentified feeling inside of me? Though I know that at some point of time it will be my choice. I can choose to take hold of the small wrinkle in time and act ahead to the fatality or I can just stand there, look at whatever is there and let everything end in a flat line, a silence that is not meant to be broken.

.silence is bronze. by ~cisya on deviantART

There are nights when I would just lie down and look up at the nothingness above me (in short, ceiling), trying to figure out endless points that most of people are trying to prove. Sometimes there are just things that I can’t really understand. Maybe when I experience some heavy crash and burn, I can fully understand it? But for now, at some point, I would just grasp whatever is there within my reach, whether how hard it is or not.

What else could I really say? Sometimes I wish I would just disappear on the face of this world. Sometimes I just want to be empty, be weightless as a feather, to feel the lightness of life and when I felt the feeling of floating time or at least the freedom to fly away from here. Then maybe I could find at least peace for an hour.

Crazy it is for me to talk about so much nonsense in my life. Sometimes I just really want to be free from all this life’s greatest lessons and just be in some placid state of whatever…

back to business...

Monday, 3 in the morning, under my blanket, awakened by the vibration of my phone; 50 messages received. Can my life be weirder, fifty messages, most of which came from people I don’t know? Well, it doesn’t really matter now, because when I rose from my bed I realized that this week is a road to hell. I must have dozed off, because the lights are still on, the door is open, and I wasn’t able to turn off my radio. I looked around my room and, there, I saw so many things that I haven’t taken care of: crumpled worksheets, laundered clothes that needs sorting, unpacked luggage, stuffs that I bought last Monday and was untouched ever since, a screwed up planner (need to buy a new one), receipts everywhere, piles of textbooks that was left open (so that I can access my lessons easily), index cards (my new notebook), bottles of C2, Pepsi, and mineral water.

My life is so messy and I think it will be a lot messier as time passes. I never thought of my room being so wasted on the early part of this semester. I guess I have been busy. But how could I be busy, when all I did this week is eat, get lost in EDSA, look for a TRANSFORMERS action figure, watch movies, and sleep? Then it came to me, I lost track of my stuffs!!! I looked at my screwed up planner and saw nothing written on the current week and the next week.

Damn, that is all I can say.

I wanted to clean my room but the thing is, as of the moment, it will be easier for me to find all the important stuffs that I place somewhere in the four corners of my room as long as I can remember where exactly I threw it (east, west, north or south). (For the record, I am so not proud of this)

I looked at my planner again and try to remember all the stuffs that I have to put in mind. Good thing, all of my quizzes are done last week, and I have no work for a month! So all I have to worry about is my studies and my father’s monthly tax report thing for the BIR. So I guess it is time for me to go back to the dirty business that I have escaped from last week. And, again, I am to bury my face into those thick books, stay up until two in the morning, drown myself with endless caffeine and try to understand the weirdness of accounting.

I yawned the moment I closed my planner. I looked at my clock and realized it was still 3:30am. So I took a post-it, write a reminder to fix my stuffs tomorrow, threw my planner somewhere east of my room (got to remember that!), and try to sleep again(Heck! I am going to make the most out of this sleep! Plus, I know that a long sleep like this is very rare so I have to grab the opportunity!)…… I am so going to be ready for my hell week!

overspending...

I was on my way home from school when I realized that I only have 20 bucks left in my wallet! Good thing I have an extra 100 bucks that I keep in my bag in case of emergencies like this.

I can’t believe I overspent this week, and the bad part is I can’t even remember where and when did I spent that almost two weeks worth of allowance. I can’t believe I got carried away, again, in spending for things that aren’t even that important. I always remember my mom scolding me about spending too much and how money can’t be found just about anywhere.

It’s kind of a shame for me not to be able to trace all my expenses in a week, heck, I am an accounting, and one of my future jobs is to track all the expenses of a business entity, and clearly I have failed doing it now.

I can’t really explain why I spend so much on things that aren’t that necessary, I mean, I try checking my wallet for some receipts that might remind me of the things that I bought and here are some :

1. Two orders of California Maki from Tokyo Tokyo (my goodness, I think I know why I had allergies yesterday, so much for my cravings…)
2. One frap, two slices of cake and a cinnamon swirl (okay, I remember not being able to finish those…sheeesh)
3. 100pesos worth of load (it’s the seller’s mistake so I decided to pay for it...I said 15 I don't know where on earth did she get the idea that I want 100pesos worth of load)

Waaah! I think I had a gluttonous week! I must learn to be thrifty! I can’t afford to overspend anymore!

rains...

At last, I caught the rain as it falls on the ground. I love the rain, I love standing outside with my umbrella while listening to its soft dropping sound that seems like some lullaby to my soul. For me, rain is one of those sweet blessings from above that makes you realize that you are alive. It awakens my senses and gives a soft tap on my soul whenever it falls down onto my skin and the coldness that it brings reminds me of the warmth that I have in me, proving to me that I am real. Sometimes when it rains I would not open my umbrella I would just let it take over me, I would let it take me into some fantasy that would disguise my true emotions, it will hide the tears in my eyes yet it will wash off the pain and the sorrows I have in me. The rain is always a refuge for me, for it would make me stop for a moment and think of the happiest thoughts that I have. Every rain drop is a pensive of memory that will always be a mark in my heart. Every dripping sound it makes when it hits something will always send a spark of happiness in me.

Hard rain by `gilad on deviantART

Rain is something big for me, it will always remind me of my friends and family and how I spend time with them, for they are very much my umbrella whenever a storm comes to my life, a sweet refuge from the coldness life can bring.

I can't escape the fury of the lord tears

It punishes me for simply living for all these years

Is there a lesson to be learned from this hard rain?

Do I deserve this, or is this god gone insane?

They say that the lord works in mysterious ways

If it's true, I seem to be having one of his bad days

I would like now for this rain to stop just for a while

Like god is still contemplating the sentence of my trial

(taken from 'gilad )

home...back home..

After staying in my uncle’s house for about a week, doing nothing but watching television all day (some think it is fun, but I am not a TV person, I barely watch TV, except Grey’s Anatomy!), I am back home. I can’t explain how happy I am the moment I stepped in my home. And when my cute little doggie, Lucky, ran towards me I really felt that I am so home…

my doggie! lucky!

It is quite ironic for me to find it hard to adjust and adapt to some other houses and to be sane without my parents and siblings, because I always look forward to having my own place to live in and be independent (I am so excited to be independent). It’s not that I want to escape the tight rules of my parents or something, I am given enough freedom. I think it is because I just want to learn the reality of fighting life without really having someone do it for me. But, right now, I think I won’t be able to leave our house, I think I am so attached to everything that has got to do with our home. Plus I realized that I am not really ready to face the “no rule” kind of life that most of old people are experiencing, I think I am not really ready for such responsibility. It will be much harder for me to live without any rules to live by than doing whatever I want…I am still seventeen; I don’t want to fast forward everything for now…I just want to stay in my same old home and be there until I reach 50? Hehe…

"I mean, seriously. Don't be fooled by all the hot shoes and the great sex and the no parents anywhere telling you what to do. Adulthood is responsibility" - Merideth Grey (Grey's Anatomy)

just nothing...

I really want to write about something but the reading marathon of Harry Potter has left my brain dry. Plus, not being at home for the past week is starting to get on me and making me more irritable than ever.

Well, in my Filipino subject we've been studying about stories...I so love reading and writing stories. It sends me some great feeling of bliss and accomplishment whenever I finish writing or reading one..that's why I really wanted to be a journalist, so that I can be able to tell the world the stories of many different people...

I think one of the many reasons that I want to be a journalist to be able to experience every emotions in one very very important happening...or at least witness it first hand...

I really don't know what to blog about...

Harry Potter fever...

Well, I am here in one of the many scattered internet cafe near our school...Apparently our classes are suspended due to the President's SONA. Heck, it is kinda jarring! after all my effort to wake up so early in the morning and fight the hard battle of commuting I will end up standing in front of our school's main gate and looking at a piece of paper taped on it saying : "WALANG PASOK" written in some weird way!

Well, I don't want to think about it anymore...right now, all I want to think about the hottest book in the world, as of the moment, that I just bought yesterday! YEAH! HARRY POTPOT AND THE DEATHLY HOLLOWS!! WOHHHOO (so dork of me to do that)...well, I never really planned of buying it..Heck I didn't even went to the mall just to avoid the stress that I will get from the excited people getting the copy book seven! but but but! when my family and I went to the mall yesterday (SUNDAY), I just can't resist it! it is calling me! tempting me to hold it and draw it close to me! yeah, one of the last to copies availabe in the mall has my name on it, and I can't just let anyone take it away from me! so I bought it! thanks to my sister who lend me some money for the book! heheheheheh

I don't want to give out any hints or whatever cause I know most people are busy doing their stuffs but I would like to comment on one thing! : "Why is it that all my favorite characters end up dead in the story!!!waah!"

a scent that reminds...

They say that the sense of smell has the greatest power to recall a memory, and ever since I heard that I try to pick up a scent from one memorable place or event. Yes, it’s kinda weird but I am investing on it because we’ll never know if it’s true or not unless it’s right at front of you.

Well, yesterday, it happened, a perfect recollection of a scent that reminds me of a bittersweet memory. Yes, a reminiscent from a pleasant smell that sends me right back in time whether I like it or not. And no matter how much I try to avoid it, it seems to follow me wherever I go, it seems inevitable. I don’t want to think about it right now, or even get reminded by the slightest thing involved with it.


…I close my eyes as the sweet scent of chamomile and rose take over me, I close my eyes breathe deep and before I knew it, I am back. Back to a dreaded time, yet remained perfectly still leaving a mark in my mind that won’t simply go. I can still see her face. Her deep hazel eyes gleaming with great beauty. A perfectly crafted smile curved by her emotions. It was once us, but as time passes, it will only be remembered with just once upon a time…

dreams...

It has come to my senses that dreams are one of the many evils in this world. For if you are unfortunate enough, it will leave you hanging on the edge of the cliff...


midnight dreams by ~andrebernardo on deviantART

It is an empty river leading you somewhere blurry...the more clear your dream is, the more vague everything will be...


Dreaming is like a free fall, disguised by some mystery with the thought of it being one of the most memorable experience you can have. As you fall, you close your eyes, feeling every bliss that it sends to your body inch by inch...



Free Fall by ~Quiky on deviantART


but in reality, as you fall, you don't close your eyes. You will see everything that passes you, the light, the time, the tide and the pain...and seconds before you hit the ground, it's when you are going to close your eyes, pass out until what is left is a huge thud and a flat tone...


Free Fallin by `gilad on deviantART

(If I dream...and I fall...will anyone catch me..?)