blabbery!

I am feeling blabbery today/tonight. I mean I just want to type and talk without pause about things that are very much senseless to every freaking human being in the world so pardon me for posting this junk

Damn I guess this is how I am coping up with all the frustrations disappointment depressions and infatuations in life Crap everyday seems a complete struggle for me Yep every minute seems a fight against complete meltdown nervous breakdown schizophrenia stress and megalomania Thank God I am still alive at this very moment – whew! no stopping! Gotta catch my breath!

Yep, after everything that I have been through, I am very glad that I have never been diagnosed with some mental illness. Yep, after some repetitive reading of my accounting book, relentless answering of problem and continuous thinking of PFRS (woah sosyal! PFRS!!!), I guess it some miracle that I am still normal- I hope.

Where are those tequila shots when you need them!! drinking coffee is getting boring..and tea starts to taste like what it should be in the first place-GRASS! Gawd..I can’t wait ‘til I am legal! I am so gonna drink everything there is to drink just to forget this freaking clutters in my head.

When it come to frustrations! All I can say is: what the hell is going on!!? I mean, I have neglected two subjects and no matter how much I have been trying to regain control over it, it seems like one of it really has to be some sacrificial thingie! Well, I am so not gonna let myself fail!

And how about depressions!? Fu*k! I need to be happy! I need anti depressants! Waaah! That is why I made some secret dream…and that is to be a barista in starbucks..because..they seems to be very very very very very very happy not matter what..doing all those barista jobs..yeah..

Infatuation!!?oh my god!!! I don’t know what has gotten into me!!!! I mean, yeah! I am some normal teenage guy who has hormones that can pretty much mess up things! But, damn…it really is hard to concentrate!! Especially when she’s in your accounting class! Goodness!

Okay..this is getting to much! I can’t stop anymore…haayyy…breathe…I am gonna stop na! I am going to turn off this computer and go to sleep! Think about all these things tomorrow…

just an ordinary rainy day...

How could just one note, a single stroke, the simplest sound be of so much impact to one person? And when you thought that doing just about everything is the answer, the questions would simply twist everything. And before you know it, you’re back in phase one.

Sometimes you just need someone to talk to, so that you can hear yourself-not them. Because sometimes, hearing yourself would simply give every reason in the world to fight back and be stronger.

And then the worst happened. You realize, at some point, what you need to hold you back is the one thing that you have been trying to let go of for the longest time.

I think no one really is fine. For if there is so much to think about in one day, what would give a person the reason to be better. And, yes, there is simply too much-to take, to muster, to think of, to solve, to write, to see, to sing and most especially to fight for.

And when it ends-when the day ends, what else would be left for you, just an ordinary rainy day or better yet, a bitter song? But what really matters is that after looking out the window, thinking that those droplets of rain are your tears and the same time writing your bitterest song, you still have the energy, the strength, and the will to see the next daylight.

ocean of strangers...

Burns-scars-vile; I can’t seem to think of other words to relate what I have been seeing through my eyes for the past 23 hours. It’s utterly jarring to just let it all in. It’s the same feeling as walking through an ocean of strangers; going against their current as they look at you disapprovingly for facing them and not following what they thought is the right way for complete deliverance. Maybe if I look back into their eyes and see through it, then they will realize that it’s doesn’t really matter.

It’s the complete strangeness of strangers that had made me afraid to sit down with them and talk to them and follow their paths to “nowhere-ness”. Not even a simple smile can work for them.

I don’t really know. But isn’t it too much to just be an open door and let everybody in without caution. I can’t really argue more, but maybe at some point it is very much better than blocking even the slightest opening in you. Because at some time not so futuristic from this moment you will realize that you haven’t really protected yourself from the strangeness of everybody. You just made things a lot worse by trapping yourself in and simply let all the strangeness in you devour you alive into what stranger think of as, again, “nowhere-ness” (I like this term! J But there’s no such thing in the dictionary).

Maybe every episode of those passing moments in the ocean of strangers can be as liberating as running naked in an avenue. But the difference is...it’s a struggle to sail across that ocean and against it. For every moment you pass by it, you loose something more important than the one you want on the other side….

drowning on dry land...

This morning I was forced to walk in the rain. Well, I thought it would be fun, but the moment I got in our classroom and felt a sudden chill and dizziness I have completely regretted what I have done. Then it came to me, it had reminded me of something that I had been trying to deal with for about a month, and now, it has been larger since I last left it hanging in me.

It has been, what, about a year since I last thought of things to be so disappointing. For I think no matter how things suck sometimes, it would be much better to just deal with it the best way you can and continue doing the things you are supposed to do.

But I guess, when things stunned you and caught you off guard, it will continuously flow in. And no matter how you try to fill yourself with other stuffs to think of and do, you cannot escape the jarring bothersome feeling of being somewhat somehow affected.

I prevent. That’s one of the best things that I can do. Learn from other people’s views and past experiences and try not to let it happen to me. It’s one whole game plan. Prevent things from happening. For I know, when it happens, I will never ever know what to do.

It’s a perfect game plan because right now, none of what I thought will completely dissipate me is not happening to me. But what’s harder is, it is happening to people I know. And seeing them kinda fluctuate or even falter makes it even worse that I have expected. And the thing is I don’t even know what to say to them. It is as if, it would be best to just stay silent and let it just sink in and do nothing…

But would it be more tragic if I did nothing? Well, I don’t know…

somewhere only we know...(hope you'll like it!)

story inspired by the cd na bigay ni chezka!! kaya ginawa kong girl yung narrator..kasi si chezka yun!!

I opened my eyes and realized that the sun had finally set. The purplish sky is slowly turning black as the stars emerge in the infinite space of nothingness. I don’t really know how long had I been here, lying in the field, thinking of the deep irony of sad truths.

How could things just end up this way? I keep asking to myself. I can still feel his presence beside me. His very heartbeat that I once thought had existed for just one reason-me. Clearly there are just too much and yet, still, time is naught.

I move my fingers to feel his warm hand beside mine. How such move could bring so many words in my lips, and yet, none of those seem to escape my soul. Moments, that is all what is left in this time. And no matter how much I have tried to grasp harder, there seems to be something stronger than what I have been feeling inside.

Moments-just moments; No music, no tears, no smiles, not even a deep breath can measure this times. Could I ever survive this? I want to hold his hand for the very last time. To trace every moment of happiness as his hand perfectly fits mine. To feel his warmth inside me, feeding my very spirit and taking me into a deep trance.

It is just too hard to stand up, and face everything alone again. I wanted to close my eyes again to fill myself with darkness again, to be numb again, and to have this falling feeling again in me.

“I should go.” He said in a blank tone

I wanted to stop him. Pull him back, and have him again. But I know there’s nothing much to do, but to let all these tears flow endlessly and indefinitely. No voice can pull me back into being whole again.

“Yes, you should go.” I replied.

I close my eyes. There is nothing left for me to say now. I want to stand up, follow him, stop the time, and remain with him. But no matter how painful this is, I can’t see any reason to do so anymore. I guess this is what really life is, a feeling so painful that reminds you of how human you are, how vulnerable you are and how real everything is.

just bought myself a toy!!!

wala lang! just brining back those days na everything seems to revolve around toys toys and nothing more but TOYS!!!WOHOO!

transformers!!!

I want one! I want one!

like the flowing river - Paolo Coelho
post secret : the secret live os men and women - frank warrenyou can go to this site to see some of the secrets postsecret
Been buying books lately since there's this massive sale at national bookstore...but still I can't buy this two books that I've been wanting for months!!!!waaah!

no time to post!

Living life's formalities...crap I am so tired..

where do we go from here?

Stuck in prospective

I have found no aim

Clearly we have no sense

In this twisted game

Where do we go from here?

Undermined by tears

Of our breathless fears

Where do we go from here?

Where did we take off?

Feeling only joy

Going to what is vague

Filled with endless coy

Where do we go from here?

Thinking of my dear

Taking what’s clear

Where do we go from here?

If there had been time

Do we have to play?

Still seeing what is beyond

Let’s just end this day

Where do we go from here?

Where do I go from here?

where do we go from here? by ~ender on deviantART

learning what to say..

Story of Long Life and Death by *angelreich on deviantART

Take me to the place

That you have taken away

Of love and solace

Tell me the poem

That remembers no song

For it kisses away my long

If there’s nothing to ask

Why didn’t it last?

Why did it happen so fast?

If I were to count

Recalling my doubts

I crumble…

I try to find a way

Again, I crumble...

For there’s no reason to stay

silent whispers...

It was when I lit a candle and watch it burn down when I realized that I really don’t have to scream out loud and shed so much tears just to let everything out. Because no matter how heavy the burden that I am carrying, it seems to float just float away.

looking out for you... by *Zendar on deviantART

I don’t really go to churches alone, I mean, I am always with my family whenever I go there. And last Thursday was the first time I entered one without anyone with me. I sat on one of the many long benches and look at some nothingness there while thinking of all the things that I am going through. Some says it’s shallow or something, but heck, it’s the only thing that I am concentrating on, it’s the only thing that I am living for as of the moment. So why not make a big deal out of it? It is simply crazy, but that just the way it is.

Left prayers by *OnVee1 on deviantART

I never really thought of, me going in a church spontaneously and then just stay there, feel the presence of the emotions that are washing over me. I guess, though my eyes aren’t close and I am not kneeling down, I am saying a prayer. Simply thanking of having such place to run to whenever there is too much chaos in my mind. Yeah, and I know that is the reason why there are so many people in that church even though at that time everyone is supposedly busy doing their works or studying. It is the only refuge one’s soul can run to at times when there’s just something too much to take.

There is so much to captivate in a church, may you have a reason for going there or not, the silence of the whole place is something to appreciate. The gift of having some sweet reverie of the momentary stillness of time is too beautiful to ignore. And in the end, faith is all you need as you watch those prayers in your heart to float away with the candle’s silent whispers.

drowning...

“Pointless” that is what my friend said after telling her how I felt after staying under the pool for about a minute.

drowning by ~spaaaaaacecadet on deviantART

Well, it is kinda crazy, but I think it worked for me. It’s one of the many things that I had ever wanted to feel. You know, the feeling of being so weightless, so light, that no matter how much you wanted to be down you just keep on floating like a wandering soul waiting for its time to be consumed by something far better than the limbo. It is such bliss for me to hear all those screams and laughs that seem so distant from me. Yes, that is how I wanted to feel for some time, to be far away, to wander around and to feel no burden inside me, but just like any slap on the face, fate had already written it for so long that you have no choice but to rise up again and face all those people enjoying the time of their lives with a smile.

I guess, at some point of one’s happiness, a person still yearns to have this momentary stillness that, even though, it is more that enough he would still wish for it to be longer. But the thing is, wanting it too much is so foolish, because when you had too much bliss of comfort you will end up falling with a loud painful thud at the end.

I want to be weightless, at some give time, because right now I would just want to realize that this reality I am living in is much better than any other thing that consists of being whole and without any stress…

Our times...

waah! first time to use the phrase "our love" in my poem...

reminder : I was never in love...

time by ~Vive-Le-Rock on deviantART

Will you sing it to me again?

Those words, unrelenting

Giving no chances in our time

Clearly, it was never too late

To move on against me

Against life and against our fate

Will it ever be close to you?

For me to just let go-

For you to completely undo;

Will it kill the very moment?

To stop the move of time

To take everything what's mine

Just to prolong what our love once meant…

vacation!

I don’t know if I ought to call this two-day vacation a blessing or yet another hidden torment in my school life, since it will prolongs my trepidation regarding my studies. Well, at least, yesterday I was able to hang out with some of my close friends!

Hanging out!

I had so much fun! I think it was summer since I last fooled around, talked and laughed hard with my friends. Oh how I miss them so much!

having fun with the costumes in the studio

more costumes!

cat's pictorial for her debut!

Accountancy…

I really don’t know why the heck I keep blogging about this weirded part of my life. I think it is because this is what is currently taking over my life. And as our midterm approaches, I am giving myself lesser time for leisure and other stuffs and more time reading, solving problems, and trying to understand the momentum of whatsoever is in the assets stuffs of a business entity (okay I don’t need anyone to understand that part… I don’t either).

Norah Jones…

I’ve been a little fan of Norah Jones lately. It helps me to relax a little bit. I listen to her songs whenever I take breaks from reviewing, before going to sleep and even the moment I wake up. I like listening to her songs! Especially “come away with me” it makes me want to just take off with my imaginary convertible car, go to our province, enjoy the warm rays of the sun, feel the cool breeze of the sea while listening to it’s utterly soft songs created by it waves, and then fill myself up with my favorite food, crabs, and not minding how red I will look for the next few hours because of allergic reaction.

Life of a haggard...

“Were you able to do out assignment in inventories?” asked my classmate the moment I entered our classroom.

All I did was sit beside her, look at the board and try to recall what the heck inventories had to do with my life?

“Were you able to answer our assignment in accounting?” she asked again, almost screaming at me

Then it hit me, I have lost everything I have tried to fit in my brain last night. I then took out two pages of battered yellow pad and handed it to her. Out of the almost 20 questions I was able to answer about 7 items only.

It had been a very very jittery morning for me- a very tiring one, rather. After realizing that I only have about a week to study for our midterm departmental exams the night before, all I was able to do was, try to fit everything in my not so full schedule and continuously thinking of things and ways on how I am going to survive this very very hard part of my semi-charmed college life. Good thing I am already used in being awake all night to study until around 5am and then asleep at 1pm ‘til around 6 in the evening (this is very helpful to me since it is easier to concentrate at night).

Well, a while ago, our professor (I will soon write a book about him, together with a compilation of his quotations..wahahaha) wrapped up our lessons for the first half of this semester. I can’t explain the joy I am feeling to know that all I have to worry about are seven chapters in our very thick book. Plus it is a huge relief to know that there’s nothing to study in advance for a moment and all the efforts are to be exerted for reviews.

Waah! I do hope everything falls into its proper place. I can’t imagine how I will look after this adventure, but I know haggardness will surely be in for me. Waah! Hopefully I will look normal in my friend’s debut since it is in between my departmental exams and non-departmental exams…

my highlights for today..

1. bought brain foods (peanut butter; can't eat peanut alone) and fresh milk
2. stalked a former friend (hehehe...curious of how she's doing)
3. dreamt owning a CAR!
4. almost got run over by a taxi (it always happen! this is my nth life!)