finding the things to say...

After experiencing one whole semester in hell due to relentless sleepless nights and crappy frustrations, I have realized that I lost my proper sense of expressing myself. I guess it is because I barely have enough time to have some stroll without thinking of how to solve problems, relax my mind or even open a book and finish it without destroying my whole schedule.

It’s been a complete struggle, and though it has been almost a week since our vacation started, I am still having a hard time to find the right words to make complete sense of things that I want to say. I guess, even though all my accounting books are already neatly placed in one corner of my room and will not be opened until early next month, I still am trapped in the freaking world of “responsibility”…

to my surprise a while ago, I involuntarily made a schedule for the whole week, took down some reminders on how to survive another month of book keeping to prevent myself from being fired (regular na pala ako according to my uncle!hahaha), and made a list of things to be done before the break ends…I am finding it really hard to adjust from being busy to having more than enough time to complete a week’s worth of work in a day. But I really am hoping to have those expressing mojos back again. But even though I am missing my busy life, I am so thankful God created sembreak!

just being there...

I always fret the day when a friend of mine would come to me, tell me their biggest problem in the world and then expect the greatest enlightenment from me. But all I can do is just stare at him and tell him that life’s like that and all they have to do is just deal with the fucking life.

Like I said in my previous post, I prevent, that’s the only thing that I can do. So I haven’t got any slightest ideas on how to be able to survive a serious heartache, a freaking consequence from irresponsible drinking, a crappy friend, or even a mistake done with complete consciousness.

You might think that I am such a selfish weirdo who just can’t give some damn crazy whatever. But here the thing, I am trying, I am so fucking trying to think of things to say that might help you get your life and move on…

So don’t get all mad at me when I get all speechless and kind of avoid you when you are forcing me to say something to just make you feel better, because that’s not my thing…all I can do is, be there and tell you “ikaw kasi eh”

It found me to hold me
But I don't like it at all
Won't feed it,
Won't grow it
It's folded in my stomach;
It's not fair,
I found love;
It made me say that.
Get back,
You'll never see daylight;
If I'm not strong it just might.

the magic that wasn't there...

Can one thing be so perfect – a thing so magical that you have forgotten to see things and realize what’s deeper and much clear? Can one moment be so great that you never really know what’s more or less? I don’t really know. Maybe…

But I guess there are times that we just want to stay it the way it is. No other added stories to make it complicated, just those laughs, those moments together, those simple glimpse that you thought will never end. I guess it will be harder if it’s anything other than something simple.

Sometimes it is really hard to let it all go, yet in the end you have no choice, but to simply turn your back and walk away. I don’t really know why the hell I am writing this or even thinking something so beyond my emotional comprehension. But what if, both of you are there? Just waiting for some sort of fairy tale ending that will definitely change the course of time, life and whatever is in front of you.

It really is very tough to deal with all these circumstances of risking and trying to find whatever you have missed in the right place, or even trying to catch the painful crash of those feeling that seem to blur your sight…

Was there really magic in this kind of story, or simply the reality of it being so complex and beyond reality?

unexpressed...

Words-sometimes words cannot be enough to express everything in you. And what’s more unfortunate is that sometimes, even something as beautiful as music cannot substitute for the tears you want to shed. And what’s worse, you are left with moments- some silent point in time wherein you are left motionless and stunned, without any idea on what the hell to do to be able to move on.

Dusk, I think that’s the best way to describe this feeling. For it shows a hanging time-a struggle between two different dimensions. It gives a mixture of anticipation, depression and relief. A degree wherein you try to appreciate the place on where you are no matter how hard it is, and at the same time you are yearning to go back to the start where in there aren’t any complications, just the basics. But the thing is it’s too late to go back.

And again, that’s one thing. We are sometimes so used on things being so complicated that we forget to just go back to the basic. But how are we going to go back? Everyday we are sent out to a journey wherein we are taught of complexities and perplexities to the point that we are numb and incapable to regaining control of time and live. And then, everything around us is technical.

As I watch the sunset and the lights slowly being turned on as the night take over. I realized that I have been out of control. My grasp for what I have been working hard for had slipped away. And now, in this moment, there are neither words nor music, just this moment. And though it’s far from being a trance, I am motionless, and struggling to have an idea on how to move on…

damned...

Well, it is happening again, as if it is bound to happen. 12 midnight, awake, not a single sign of drowsiness, just full of stress, numbers, cramming, and computations. I can’t believe how fast time is…I can barely follow through the pacing of the world. Well, at least I am doing a better job than last semester, which apparently blew me into pieces.

Now I am again, awake, but unlike before, struggling with multi-tasking. I am fronting the computer, trying to find a way on how to write and layout my freaking project, while thinking of the fastest possible way to solve problems in accounting and then prioritizing the hellish job of mine. Good thing my “boss/uncle” told me that to worry about my studies first before his “books”, well, good for me.

radio…waaah! I am freakishly obsessed with radio(well, I just found out)..I don’t really know why, but no matter how "in" mp3 players are, I just can’t let go of my radio…I need it badly! That’s why I am still hanging on this old phone of mine because of its radio function…I think it’s my only way in knowing what’s new, what’s happening in this world and whatever…

messy…yes, my room is messy again and the thing is, it’s not just my room, I had conquered our living room and dining room because of the huge of numbers of books that I have, from novels to textbooks…all grouped in subjects, usefulness, difficulty and beauty(for my novels..) placed in an organized way, open in pages where I last left it and ready for reading…

I can’t wait for sembreak! Which is in about two weeks!

blabbery!

I am feeling blabbery today/tonight. I mean I just want to type and talk without pause about things that are very much senseless to every freaking human being in the world so pardon me for posting this junk

Damn I guess this is how I am coping up with all the frustrations disappointment depressions and infatuations in life Crap everyday seems a complete struggle for me Yep every minute seems a fight against complete meltdown nervous breakdown schizophrenia stress and megalomania Thank God I am still alive at this very moment – whew! no stopping! Gotta catch my breath!

Yep, after everything that I have been through, I am very glad that I have never been diagnosed with some mental illness. Yep, after some repetitive reading of my accounting book, relentless answering of problem and continuous thinking of PFRS (woah sosyal! PFRS!!!), I guess it some miracle that I am still normal- I hope.

Where are those tequila shots when you need them!! drinking coffee is getting boring..and tea starts to taste like what it should be in the first place-GRASS! Gawd..I can’t wait ‘til I am legal! I am so gonna drink everything there is to drink just to forget this freaking clutters in my head.

When it come to frustrations! All I can say is: what the hell is going on!!? I mean, I have neglected two subjects and no matter how much I have been trying to regain control over it, it seems like one of it really has to be some sacrificial thingie! Well, I am so not gonna let myself fail!

And how about depressions!? Fu*k! I need to be happy! I need anti depressants! Waaah! That is why I made some secret dream…and that is to be a barista in starbucks..because..they seems to be very very very very very very happy not matter what..doing all those barista jobs..yeah..

Infatuation!!?oh my god!!! I don’t know what has gotten into me!!!! I mean, yeah! I am some normal teenage guy who has hormones that can pretty much mess up things! But, damn…it really is hard to concentrate!! Especially when she’s in your accounting class! Goodness!

Okay..this is getting to much! I can’t stop anymore…haayyy…breathe…I am gonna stop na! I am going to turn off this computer and go to sleep! Think about all these things tomorrow…

just an ordinary rainy day...

How could just one note, a single stroke, the simplest sound be of so much impact to one person? And when you thought that doing just about everything is the answer, the questions would simply twist everything. And before you know it, you’re back in phase one.

Sometimes you just need someone to talk to, so that you can hear yourself-not them. Because sometimes, hearing yourself would simply give every reason in the world to fight back and be stronger.

And then the worst happened. You realize, at some point, what you need to hold you back is the one thing that you have been trying to let go of for the longest time.

I think no one really is fine. For if there is so much to think about in one day, what would give a person the reason to be better. And, yes, there is simply too much-to take, to muster, to think of, to solve, to write, to see, to sing and most especially to fight for.

And when it ends-when the day ends, what else would be left for you, just an ordinary rainy day or better yet, a bitter song? But what really matters is that after looking out the window, thinking that those droplets of rain are your tears and the same time writing your bitterest song, you still have the energy, the strength, and the will to see the next daylight.

ocean of strangers...

Burns-scars-vile; I can’t seem to think of other words to relate what I have been seeing through my eyes for the past 23 hours. It’s utterly jarring to just let it all in. It’s the same feeling as walking through an ocean of strangers; going against their current as they look at you disapprovingly for facing them and not following what they thought is the right way for complete deliverance. Maybe if I look back into their eyes and see through it, then they will realize that it’s doesn’t really matter.

It’s the complete strangeness of strangers that had made me afraid to sit down with them and talk to them and follow their paths to “nowhere-ness”. Not even a simple smile can work for them.

I don’t really know. But isn’t it too much to just be an open door and let everybody in without caution. I can’t really argue more, but maybe at some point it is very much better than blocking even the slightest opening in you. Because at some time not so futuristic from this moment you will realize that you haven’t really protected yourself from the strangeness of everybody. You just made things a lot worse by trapping yourself in and simply let all the strangeness in you devour you alive into what stranger think of as, again, “nowhere-ness” (I like this term! J But there’s no such thing in the dictionary).

Maybe every episode of those passing moments in the ocean of strangers can be as liberating as running naked in an avenue. But the difference is...it’s a struggle to sail across that ocean and against it. For every moment you pass by it, you loose something more important than the one you want on the other side….

drowning on dry land...

This morning I was forced to walk in the rain. Well, I thought it would be fun, but the moment I got in our classroom and felt a sudden chill and dizziness I have completely regretted what I have done. Then it came to me, it had reminded me of something that I had been trying to deal with for about a month, and now, it has been larger since I last left it hanging in me.

It has been, what, about a year since I last thought of things to be so disappointing. For I think no matter how things suck sometimes, it would be much better to just deal with it the best way you can and continue doing the things you are supposed to do.

But I guess, when things stunned you and caught you off guard, it will continuously flow in. And no matter how you try to fill yourself with other stuffs to think of and do, you cannot escape the jarring bothersome feeling of being somewhat somehow affected.

I prevent. That’s one of the best things that I can do. Learn from other people’s views and past experiences and try not to let it happen to me. It’s one whole game plan. Prevent things from happening. For I know, when it happens, I will never ever know what to do.

It’s a perfect game plan because right now, none of what I thought will completely dissipate me is not happening to me. But what’s harder is, it is happening to people I know. And seeing them kinda fluctuate or even falter makes it even worse that I have expected. And the thing is I don’t even know what to say to them. It is as if, it would be best to just stay silent and let it just sink in and do nothing…

But would it be more tragic if I did nothing? Well, I don’t know…

somewhere only we know...(hope you'll like it!)

story inspired by the cd na bigay ni chezka!! kaya ginawa kong girl yung narrator..kasi si chezka yun!!

I opened my eyes and realized that the sun had finally set. The purplish sky is slowly turning black as the stars emerge in the infinite space of nothingness. I don’t really know how long had I been here, lying in the field, thinking of the deep irony of sad truths.

How could things just end up this way? I keep asking to myself. I can still feel his presence beside me. His very heartbeat that I once thought had existed for just one reason-me. Clearly there are just too much and yet, still, time is naught.

I move my fingers to feel his warm hand beside mine. How such move could bring so many words in my lips, and yet, none of those seem to escape my soul. Moments, that is all what is left in this time. And no matter how much I have tried to grasp harder, there seems to be something stronger than what I have been feeling inside.

Moments-just moments; No music, no tears, no smiles, not even a deep breath can measure this times. Could I ever survive this? I want to hold his hand for the very last time. To trace every moment of happiness as his hand perfectly fits mine. To feel his warmth inside me, feeding my very spirit and taking me into a deep trance.

It is just too hard to stand up, and face everything alone again. I wanted to close my eyes again to fill myself with darkness again, to be numb again, and to have this falling feeling again in me.

“I should go.” He said in a blank tone

I wanted to stop him. Pull him back, and have him again. But I know there’s nothing much to do, but to let all these tears flow endlessly and indefinitely. No voice can pull me back into being whole again.

“Yes, you should go.” I replied.

I close my eyes. There is nothing left for me to say now. I want to stand up, follow him, stop the time, and remain with him. But no matter how painful this is, I can’t see any reason to do so anymore. I guess this is what really life is, a feeling so painful that reminds you of how human you are, how vulnerable you are and how real everything is.

just bought myself a toy!!!

wala lang! just brining back those days na everything seems to revolve around toys toys and nothing more but TOYS!!!WOHOO!

transformers!!!

I want one! I want one!

like the flowing river - Paolo Coelho
post secret : the secret live os men and women - frank warrenyou can go to this site to see some of the secrets postsecret
Been buying books lately since there's this massive sale at national bookstore...but still I can't buy this two books that I've been wanting for months!!!!waaah!

no time to post!

Living life's formalities...crap I am so tired..

where do we go from here?

Stuck in prospective

I have found no aim

Clearly we have no sense

In this twisted game

Where do we go from here?

Undermined by tears

Of our breathless fears

Where do we go from here?

Where did we take off?

Feeling only joy

Going to what is vague

Filled with endless coy

Where do we go from here?

Thinking of my dear

Taking what’s clear

Where do we go from here?

If there had been time

Do we have to play?

Still seeing what is beyond

Let’s just end this day

Where do we go from here?

Where do I go from here?

where do we go from here? by ~ender on deviantART

learning what to say..

Story of Long Life and Death by *angelreich on deviantART

Take me to the place

That you have taken away

Of love and solace

Tell me the poem

That remembers no song

For it kisses away my long

If there’s nothing to ask

Why didn’t it last?

Why did it happen so fast?

If I were to count

Recalling my doubts

I crumble…

I try to find a way

Again, I crumble...

For there’s no reason to stay