7ish days to go and it’s Christmas. And all I can pretty much say that Christmas here in our house is quite different. Why? Well, because, right now it’s a mixture of different weird feelings- a mixture of both excitement and nostalgia. I don’t really know, I mean, for me this Christmas a lot quieter than the usual. I guess it’s because we’re going to be spending the Christmas without my sister who is in
my doggie, lucky, can't wait to open his gift!! :D
You have been avoiding it for one main reason: so that your pretenses of how organized your thoughts are won’t blow its cover. The irony of it seems so hard to muster. Every single strand of memory and realization seems to bombard every single inch of space in your brain. But it’s completely unfortunate because you have to accept the fact that you are back there again. And all you have to do is sort out every single thing and try to understand whatever it is injected into your thoughts may it be new or old.
Questions are always there. They never fail to keep you awake at night and wonder where on earth they came from. And though you try to find the answers, it feels like it’s nothing but scanty.
You close your eyes, take a long deep breath and you finally find yourself again.
Bloody hell, it’s Christmas!!
It’s Christmas, it’s Christmas!!!
Imagine my surprise when I saw our old Christmas tree in our living room!!!
I can’t wait for Christmas day itself!!
It’s just that, for the first time in so many years the holiday season has grown on me! :D
Such ecstasy!!!
So here I am again- fronting the computer with my tea at four o’clock in the morning, trying to decide whether today has been something worth remembering or not.
Seriously, I don’t know. I just wish I can just forget how things were without much recoil on it. But unfortunately, I can say is sometimes you tend to become the slave of whatever it is that has been trying to control you.
Life is something really, really hard! I mean, sometimes you thought you are strong enough to fight whatever it is out there but then when you finally see it, you’ll realize that you’re utterly helpless, vulnerable and pathetically useless.
Seriously, I wish I can just unlearn some stuff. I wish I never thought about it…
(imagine me talking in brit accent while reading this!)
It is ultimately hard…but before I can move on, my fight for tonight is the unbearable headache that the loud music gave me!!
Seriously, how can one order his brain to stop thinking? I mean some people just find it hard to control the overflowing of thoughts from their brain. And, unfortunately, I am one of those people. I mean, seriously, it’s hard once you got the habit of thinking too much. I don’t consider this as worrying or something negative, I see it as relentlessly analyzing every single thing that is involved with everything one can fathom.
I’ve been thinking too much right now!!!
Some of the things that I just can’t stop thinking about are:
what's frustrating with this darn post is that there are so many things in my mind right now, and I can only come up with such short post!!!
Looking at it reminds me of something. A card that my friend gave me for graduation (thanks Janet!!! Miss you so much!!!) it says : “Tomorrow is a blank page just waiting to be filled with your dreams… all you have to do is be yourself and live the story that no one else can live – the story of your own unique life.” I don’t know why the moon reminded me of something like this. But heck, it is technically true. We all have a story- a story that tells about pain, happiness, ecstasy, fantasy and even a journey for those who reminisces things so much. A story that has been known by everyone, a story that is only shared between two people, a story that is better left untold, and even a story that is yet to be written and known. Yes, there are so many stories, and every single second they keep on growing in numbers. I’d like to know every single story there is, no matter how long, graphic, horrendous, macabre or melancholic it is I want to hear everything. Stories made the world a lot pleasant to live in, but the only disadvantage that these stories bring is that sometimes it’s so beautiful that you’d just want to stay there forever, not moving on, fighting for its grasp and then before you know it you’re no longer living…
Here’s my story:
I took a deep breath, for it’s been ages since I last tasted the sweet air that kept me on going back to this place. For me, the sound that the gust of wind makes is a music that no one can ever describe. I feel like I am in heaven, for the surge of tranquility has completely paralyzed me. I closed my eyes for my spirit cannot take the beauty that this place shows. I started walking and slowly feeling the sand beneath my bare feet. I know where exactly I am. The warmth of the sun started crawling on my skin as I move foreword. And it was when I felt the cold water of the sea that I decided to open my eyes. The sun is slowly setting-bidding goodbye to every single living creature there is. Any minute from now, the whole world will be covered with darkness marking the end of the day. How come the day has to end? How come we were not given a choice to stay in a certain day for a certain period of time? The night- will always catch everyone, who doesn’t know how to live today, off guard with tomorrow. I can’t stop being weary of what will happen if I dive into the depths of dreams. I want this day to stay forever…
ps: thanks to hafz!! I was enlightened!! I didn't know it was venus and jupiter!!! hehehehe The SKY is SMILING
click to see her post!!It’s been ages since I last put my thoughts on paper (or rather on my blog), and right now, all my thoughts have piled up occupying most of my sane mind. Unfortunately, as much as I want to have more time for leisure and stuff, I barely have any. Actually I don’t even have the time to catch my breath that much. And the only time left in my pocket is only enough for me to be able to get some energy for what lies ahead.
Well, actually, that’s not my main thing in this blogpost. My thoughts right now are pretty much preoccupied by something called growth… I mean, seriously, all of us want to grow, whether physically, emotionally, mentally and whatsoever. But hell, no one really told me it would be so complicated.
It’s weird to be thinking about this right now, because, come to think of it I should know how it is like already. But apparently I decided to experience it just now. Who knew it would be hard, utterly strange, sluggish and exhausting! If only I knew how to deal with it earlier my life would be more fun and less tiring.
Growth, according to my handy dandy dictionary, is some process of becoming larger and more mature!!! Well, it’s some part of it but you get the point. Why on earth do I want to grow!? I really don’t know. But here’s what I learn:
“All of us were given an ample of time- 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and so on. And, yes, it’s more than enough. It’s just a matter of GREAT time management.”
That is one of the many things that one of my friends told me when I kept ranting about not having enough time. It really does make sense. But the thing is it’s awfully hard to be able to distribute time properly to the things that you have to accomplish. I mean, most of the time you get sidetracked by things that is quite hard to ignore. And also, time management is needs heaps of discipline. The thing is I barely have any when it comes to focusing on things to be done. So I guess I really have to do some adjusting.
(So to my friends who are expecting a little of me to spend a night with them! I am so sorry!!! Because all I can say is “so much for my social life”)
Things that made my happy today regardless of how much it ended so “ragefully” (it’s really irritating how exhaustion can really get into people’s nerves!!):
What on earth is the meaning of every breathing moment in life? I mean, technically you live, breathe, laugh, cry and even feel a little bit weird sometimes-all of these you do for the sake of existing. I know, reading that two previous sentence may sound ridiculous because basically I MIGHT be missing the point here. But I mean, seriously, of all the years that you’ve been living on this Earth, at some point in time you’d wish that you’ll just cease to exist.
What is it with all the things here? I mean all the things that matter. Because the thing is, they eat you alive. Of course, at first, you want to have this kind of moment when you think you just can’t hope for anything more. But then you realize you just can’t have them. You’d start pulling them out of you but it’s too late for they had sunk so deep into your system that they reached the very core of your humanity. In the end, you’ll just wish to disappear for even a single second, leaving everything behind.
let me end this with a dream...
Isang blogpost na pinauso ni cien!!!! Hehehehehe…
So here’s my wish list that took me a week to complete…whew…who knew that making one is hard work!!
Keane’s Perfect Symmetry and the Gossip Girl Soundtrack(OMFGG)… :D
JD Salinger’s works and the 2008 winner of man booker prize (I think it’s white tiger, I forgot the title) and Anne Enright’s The Gathering(also shorlisted in man booker prize..I think the book also won..I just can’t remember). The man booker prize org thing always chooses the best books! And Salinger’s style is so addictive that you want to read his books over and over…Haruki Murakami too!!!
I want the Holga…hehehehe..
This would really make me happy!!!
I’m not a planner person, but heck, this planner is so cool!!
Ever since my wallet got stolen back in first year college I have been using my
This is the evolution of my love for twilight…I mean, the twilight series is over and I want another vampire series…so why not try a graphic novel? But heck, graphic novels are expensive!! I want to watch true blood too!!!
Seriously! This cake never left my mind the moment I tasted it! It’s heaven!!!!
Who doesn’t need this? I wish I can have Lexie Grey’s memory so that memorizing won’t be a problem! With this, accounting would be slightly easier…
Mogwai is a small cafe and movie house...you have to be a member to be able to watch their movies…their membership is a little bit pricey…
I don’t really smoke, but I really need to take a breather. You know, the kind that smokers do in the middle of their work just to ease things up. That’s what I want to do, minus the cigar. I mean, seriously, I know it’s just the start of the semester and all but there are a lot of other things that has been happening and it causes my brain to do some overdrive. I think it’s quite usual for people like me to experience that. You know, I’m one of those people who just don’t have any idea what to do next right after the task assigned to him is done. And not really knowing what to do can really drive me crazy. I just need a cigarette break. Maybe a walk will do, or dining out with some of my closest friends or even a long dreamless sleep…
It’s awfully hard not to have your “person” by you when you really need him/her. I mean, you just need that kind of person who won’t pass any judgment even though you committed murder, felony, fraud or any other illegal stuff-not that I have done anything like that-and that someone you can spend some time with talking in some old café. I really miss my person and unfortunately, for the time being my person has gone missing for reason only the friggin’ heaven know…
I hate it. I hate how things in life can make one so utterly busy and putting a halt into a relationship, may it be romantic or not (and for future references all of my relationships are not romantic). It can get really frustrating, because sometimes you just want to be angry but you just can’t because you don’t know where or whom to be angry at.
Then there are people who are just there. Regardless of how close you are to that person, he or she will just be there, Existing, not even caring if there’s some earthquake or what. Well my point is, there are these people who exist in your life for the sake of existing. But the thing is, you appreciate their presence because it seems that they keep the balance in your life even though they don’t play a big part of it. So when they leave it’s like entering into a new world that is quite hard to be familiar with and it’s utterly hard to adjust…
I just hate it when people go missing…
“Trouble been dogging my soul
Since the day I was born”
It was a single drop of rain that woke my senses up. It was a light touch that grew and took over my whole body, taking the numbness out of me. But then what, what will I feel next? The vulnerability will soon sink in and, eventually, forcing me to hide again. I need some place to run to, something that I can grasp and hold on to.
Tell me, will time be always of the essence? Because, the fact that you cannot take it back always left me yearning for more. If only I can delay misery, then maybe, it would be easier to cope.
“How long have you been doing it!?” awestruck, my cousin asked me
“More or less six months,” I replied, “but that was like ages ago and I'm over it.”
That was our last exchange of words because a few seconds after her friend arrived so we have to immediately change our topic. And after that was an awkward silence, which made it easier for me to hide into my thoughts and try to ponder on the words that left my bloody lips.
What I said to my cousin is some secret that was well kept by everyone who knows, also, it was the very reason why I’m trying to change some bloody aspects of my life. I mean, right now, I am hoping that when I look at this time of my life I will just consider it as a phase that every normal person would encounter and, right now, I’m doing a great job on proving it to be one.
So, all I can say about this is that I’ve been through hell and at my age I know I will be back there. I am just hoping that, like before, it would be with my friends so that it will not be boring…
Will there be a moment for me to take you away? This feeling I have in me will never die now. And the mere thought of you is an ecstasy to my mind. Now, I find it hard to wake up, for it ends my dream of gazing upon you forever.
I will always pray that you’d hear me my song. A song which sings only of you and whose dances meant of whatever it means to love you.
Can you see it? Can you feel me? Open your eyes now and let’s run away together.
note : I don't know who Sophia is... :D
photo from : momoclax
