1. want to go to Alcehmy's pajama party!!
2. craving for mango bravo!!!
3. missing an old bestfriend (go chezca! reunite us if you want to!!)
4. trying to write longhand perfectly... bloody hel
5. experiencing a series of headache due to excessive reading...(currently on a reading hiatus)
6. cleaning my room (again)
...utterly bored...
Morning comes and you lie on your bed wondering, pondering and thinking. At some point in time you doubt if you can ever let go of the things that you did, if at some point you can just consider it your past, never looking back at it and completely forgetting it.
But the past has always been a funny thing. I creeps out when you least expect it and haunts you at your weakest hour, and worst of all, it convinces you that, that’s the best that you can offer to this world and there’s nothing that can fully change that.
It has always been that monster you have tried burying and yet you fail. For you know, full well, that you are really being devoured by it ever minute of the day. And the thing is you really want to let go, but you have been completely paralyzed by it.
Will you cry for help or will you have enough strength to get through this utterly cruel fate? Can you wail for you plight to take its toll? Whatever path you may take, the morning will always seem to be the longest time of the day…
Will it hurt to just take a second glimpse at you? It is just that I haven’t memorized it yet. Who knew that, just a few seconds ago was the last moment of ecstasy for me would begin and at the same time, end? I don’t even know if I can live with this feeling.
What pain it is to find such object of affinity, to find someone and to live again. It is hard to just let it go-to let you go. Will you even notice the single heartbeat that beats for you? Will it be too much just to hold my hand?
I sit here doing nothing but to think of you, to reminisce the time when the world seems a blur but you? I pray to God that at some point in time you’d stop and feel the feelings I have for you. It has always been true that there is always a tragedy waiting for those who feel. A tragedy that sets apart all these thoughts inside me, a kind of twist in the lives of those who thought that there seems to be nothing more than breathing; a tragedy that would take one into a different light and a different world and change him completely. It is right to call you my tragedy?
Now that I have found you, will you find me?
“Words are things, and a small drop of ink, falling like dew upon a thought, produces that which makes thousands, perhaps millions, think”
- Lord Byron quotes (English Romantic poet and satirist, 1788-1824)
A few days right after the best holiday there is, our hopes of changing are usually rekindled. Because after almost 365 days of pretty much experiencing almost everything, from great success to deep failure, the feeling of starting anew would definitely take over us. But of course, starting over is never an easy thing, for it will always have the tendency to run over a few things, like the way you spend time with some of your friends, the personality that you have established, and the things that you thought you can’t leave without.
What is it that is so important in changing? I mean, for no reason at all, some decided to wake up earlier, eat less, stop smoking or drinking, and even change how they view life. What is the real essence of it? I think it is pretty much way beyond one’s comprehension.
Any real change implies the breakup of the world as one has always known it, the loss of all that gave one an identity, the end of safety. And at such a moment unable to see and not daring to imagine what the future will now bring forth, one clings to what one knew, or dreamed that one possessed. Yet, it is only when a man is able, without bitterness or self-pity, to surrender a dream he has long cherished or a privilege if has long possessed that if set free - he has set himself free - for higher dreams, for greater privileges. (Nobody known my name: more notes of a native son)
I am boring as of the moment-not bored- but boring. I mean, if you can pretty much see every single thing that I am doing this Christmas Vacation you’d be so bored that you’ll find yourself wanting to sleep instead. I am such a slacker! Bloody hell!! I can’t even force myself to do my Assignments and stuff!!
Here are the things that I’ve been up to lately:
We all are broken. And no matter how much we try to look at it in every way there is always going to be a missing piece- something lacking in us, depriving us from being whole. It is quite scary to know that at some point in time we’re on the verge of falling apart and breaking down. And what’s worse, sometimes, we don’t have anyone to run to for help.
The thing is we know that we have to strive. We have to look for that missing piece that will make everything go away- we want everything to be perfect. And yes, with the knowledge of being incomplete we search for that completeness around us. But little do we know we cannot find it just about anywhere. No, it’s not within our comprehension, nor in any place that screams peace. We cannot even find it among us.
We long relentlessly for that feeling of being whole or being complete. And yet we fail to understand that someone made us broken to be whole. We need to know that there are thing we have to surrender and sometimes it even includes our very essence.
photo credit : the dark whisperer
We all have a destination- a place where we know it is the end or something, but the thing is, it is completely different from all the endings that we are accustomed to. It is simply the conclusion of everything we loved, fought for, died for, and lived for. It is pretty much the wrap up of our very long and tiring journey.
What else is just as, if not more, important that our destination? It is how we get there. Just like a long drive at night we let ourselves flow with the traffic passing by some important moments. Letting ourselves feel the cold breeze of air and getting hypnotized by the sequence of streetlights that hover over us as we drive along.
Do we really know our destination, or we just let ourselves get lost without much thought of how we are supposed to find ourselves in our purpose? Actually, it is quite tempting to change course. To be somewhere you are not designed to be in. But the tragedy in it is that we never really are strong enough to stand alone and survive this long journey.
Shall we let ourselves get lost?
7ish days to go and it’s Christmas. And all I can pretty much say that Christmas here in our house is quite different. Why? Well, because, right now it’s a mixture of different weird feelings- a mixture of both excitement and nostalgia. I don’t really know, I mean, for me this Christmas a lot quieter than the usual. I guess it’s because we’re going to be spending the Christmas without my sister who is in
my doggie, lucky, can't wait to open his gift!! :D
You have been avoiding it for one main reason: so that your pretenses of how organized your thoughts are won’t blow its cover. The irony of it seems so hard to muster. Every single strand of memory and realization seems to bombard every single inch of space in your brain. But it’s completely unfortunate because you have to accept the fact that you are back there again. And all you have to do is sort out every single thing and try to understand whatever it is injected into your thoughts may it be new or old.
Questions are always there. They never fail to keep you awake at night and wonder where on earth they came from. And though you try to find the answers, it feels like it’s nothing but scanty.
You close your eyes, take a long deep breath and you finally find yourself again.
Bloody hell, it’s Christmas!!
It’s Christmas, it’s Christmas!!!
Imagine my surprise when I saw our old Christmas tree in our living room!!!
I can’t wait for Christmas day itself!!
It’s just that, for the first time in so many years the holiday season has grown on me! :D
Such ecstasy!!!
So here I am again- fronting the computer with my tea at four o’clock in the morning, trying to decide whether today has been something worth remembering or not.
Seriously, I don’t know. I just wish I can just forget how things were without much recoil on it. But unfortunately, I can say is sometimes you tend to become the slave of whatever it is that has been trying to control you.
Life is something really, really hard! I mean, sometimes you thought you are strong enough to fight whatever it is out there but then when you finally see it, you’ll realize that you’re utterly helpless, vulnerable and pathetically useless.
Seriously, I wish I can just unlearn some stuff. I wish I never thought about it…
(imagine me talking in brit accent while reading this!)
It is ultimately hard…but before I can move on, my fight for tonight is the unbearable headache that the loud music gave me!!
Seriously, how can one order his brain to stop thinking? I mean some people just find it hard to control the overflowing of thoughts from their brain. And, unfortunately, I am one of those people. I mean, seriously, it’s hard once you got the habit of thinking too much. I don’t consider this as worrying or something negative, I see it as relentlessly analyzing every single thing that is involved with everything one can fathom.
I’ve been thinking too much right now!!!
Some of the things that I just can’t stop thinking about are:
what's frustrating with this darn post is that there are so many things in my mind right now, and I can only come up with such short post!!!
Looking at it reminds me of something. A card that my friend gave me for graduation (thanks Janet!!! Miss you so much!!!) it says : “Tomorrow is a blank page just waiting to be filled with your dreams… all you have to do is be yourself and live the story that no one else can live – the story of your own unique life.” I don’t know why the moon reminded me of something like this. But heck, it is technically true. We all have a story- a story that tells about pain, happiness, ecstasy, fantasy and even a journey for those who reminisces things so much. A story that has been known by everyone, a story that is only shared between two people, a story that is better left untold, and even a story that is yet to be written and known. Yes, there are so many stories, and every single second they keep on growing in numbers. I’d like to know every single story there is, no matter how long, graphic, horrendous, macabre or melancholic it is I want to hear everything. Stories made the world a lot pleasant to live in, but the only disadvantage that these stories bring is that sometimes it’s so beautiful that you’d just want to stay there forever, not moving on, fighting for its grasp and then before you know it you’re no longer living…
Here’s my story:
I took a deep breath, for it’s been ages since I last tasted the sweet air that kept me on going back to this place. For me, the sound that the gust of wind makes is a music that no one can ever describe. I feel like I am in heaven, for the surge of tranquility has completely paralyzed me. I closed my eyes for my spirit cannot take the beauty that this place shows. I started walking and slowly feeling the sand beneath my bare feet. I know where exactly I am. The warmth of the sun started crawling on my skin as I move foreword. And it was when I felt the cold water of the sea that I decided to open my eyes. The sun is slowly setting-bidding goodbye to every single living creature there is. Any minute from now, the whole world will be covered with darkness marking the end of the day. How come the day has to end? How come we were not given a choice to stay in a certain day for a certain period of time? The night- will always catch everyone, who doesn’t know how to live today, off guard with tomorrow. I can’t stop being weary of what will happen if I dive into the depths of dreams. I want this day to stay forever…
ps: thanks to hafz!! I was enlightened!! I didn't know it was venus and jupiter!!! hehehehe The SKY is SMILING
click to see her post!!
