School Boredom...

Posting this blog straight from my school!

1. Utterly bored by the fact that I am doing nothing.

2. Woke up late and got stuck in an impossible traffic...

3. Finding the world getting a lot smaller, robbing me of spaces to breathe in.

4. Burdened by the fact that I'm not as sociable as other people (how ironic because I am a kind of person who enjoys parties)

5. Hating my cough because I might visit the doctor anytime soon! I hate doctors

6. Can't get over heroes and dirty, sexy, money!!! :D

phantasmagoria..

There will always be a time when I wish that everything is a dream. How I wish that I am in a world filled with autonomy of imagination, fantasies, impossibilities and even the scariest thing imaginable. But of course, no matter how much I try to refuse to leave this world, the reality of it would pull me out.

The scratching sound made by the old phonograph was the first thing I heave the moment my senses awakened. The recurring wound that signifies aimlessness and restless thoughts of searching for the hidden music in the depths of darkness enveloped the room.

I lay still on the bed; eyes closed and mind wondering around the ghostly room. How I wish I have never woken up, because the events of last night refuses to cease running in my head.

My eyes, though closed, searched for traces of light and found none. Then I remembered closing the curtains last night. Surely, no matter how high the sun is right now, no light can pass through those thick satin curtains.

My fist clenched at the thought of the light. It was as if I am trying to grasp something. But the only thing I was able to do was feel the smooth silk sheet of the bed with my nails as they run through every weave of tiny threads.

I lay still, thinking of every possible way to escape this reality before it’s too late. My senses are starting to become more aware. I took a deep breath and try to concentrate. I let my arm fall from the bed and touch the floor. But I was a mistake, because the moment I felt the floor-like the flood of water it started gushing over me-the floor.

Then it took over me-the memories. From the moment I entered the room, the phonograph, the curtains, to the very reason I am lying on this bed.

At that moment I have no choice but to open my eyes. It was then I realize where I was, the solitude I was in and the cursed brought by listening from the old phonograph.

- a while ago I asked my mom if I can buy a phonograph...she just stared at me blankly... :D

Bought myself a magazine!!! :D

Well, one of the things that I decided to be doing this 2009 is to buy magazines! So, a while ago I decided to buy one, and what really caught my attention is the discovery channel magazine!! Hehehehe…I know, it’s geeky, but I really miss discovery channel. I remember watching it all day when I was a kid (talk about geekdom! Sheesh!).

First and Amistad...

For the nth time Kyle sighed loudly. It was almost 3 o’clock in the morning and no matter how much he tried to sleep, it seems like it will just elude him completely, depriving him of the sleep that he needed. He sat up, turned on the lamp on his bedside table and surveyed his room.

He hated these kinds of nights-the nights when he ruefully wished he can fall asleep like any ordinary person. And instead of having so much to do, he’d just lie on his bed thinking of how to waste the time tomorrow. But unfortunately, for Kyle, his life has never been that simple. He is juggling so much in his life, from being a student to having a part time job. It has always been complicated. He even kinda forgot what it feels like to have nothing written on his planner to the point that planning is not even necessary.

After a few minutes he stood up, changed his clothes and took a glance at himself at the mirror. How he changed so much since his last birthday! From the way he dresses to his very appearance. What’s really surprising about this fact is that he just turned 19 a few months back. The changes did not even take a year to become conspicuous. How he hated getting old. If only he can be 16 forever and not think about anything as important as passing his exams and not losing his already lost job.

Kyle felt the cold breeze of the night the moment he stepped out of his house. He stopped, like he usually do, for a while to argue with himself if he’s going to go back inside and just try to sleep again. But it seems like going to sleep again is just a waste of time and sneaking back inside is much more risky than trying to go out the house undetected. Even though his parents are already used to this kind of nights when he would sneak out of the house and come back when the sun has already risen, for reasons unknown, he’d still do it as if he’s doing it for the first time back when he was still 17. With his mind all made up, he opened the gate as quietly as possible and walked as fast as he can.

The night has always been the same- pathetically boring. But there is something in with the night that made Kyle loved it so much; the blackness of the night sky, the street lamps that stand on every corner of the streets and the silence of it. Actually, Kyle loves the way the night seems so boring, making it the reason he’d walk all the way to the café on the corner of First and Amistad regardless of its utter distance from his house.

It took him half an hour to get to the café-always half an hour. He’d always walk on the same speed, take the same route and think of the same thoughts when he’s on his way to that place. And as a complete and final routine of his sleepless nights he’d take the same table (unless it has already been taken by some other customer) and order the same drink. And for some time he would just sit there, looking at the street and try to clear his thoughts.

“Insomnia?” Someone asked

Kyle only shrugged his shoulders, not even taking his gaze off the streets.

“You know, you can always try to go ask for help,” the person said as he sat on the chair fronting Kyle “so that you can at least get a sleeping pill or some sort.”

Kyle looked at the person; it has always been him- the same old person, the same old guy who would talk to him about how he’s dealing with everything and trying to give him some advice.

“I have been waiting for you.” The man said

“I have been waiting for you.” Kyle replied, “Seriously, does it always have to be like this?”

“Well, I found you.”

“I hate this!” said Kyle raising his voice, “Why is it so complicated or something or some sort!?”

“I hated it also, you know,” replied the man, “C’mon ask me one question.”

“Have I not asked you a question?”

“What, the one with the something and some sort?”

Kyle nodded, his temper getting out of hand already.

“Well, do you even consider that a question?” Replied the man, “C’mon, kid, don’t let the wreck of the day affect your grammar, I know you’re good at it.”

Kyle took out a cigarette from his pocket and lit it, “I just-”

“Do you seriously think that’s going to help?”

“What?” Asked Kyle

“The smoking,” replied the man, “are you even sure it’s really effective in times like this?”

Kyle looked at his cigarette, took a deep breath and put it out, “It’s just that I’ve gotten used to this.”

“Well trust me, kiddo, that’s not necessary.”

Kyle closed his eyes, nodded and whispered “Okay, I am sorry.” He then took out the rest of his smokes and placed it on the table, “Take it, and then throw it somewhere.”

“It’s okay, consider it forgotten” replied the man, “Let’s just leave it here. Hey are you going to drink that coffee of yours?”

Kyle pushed the coffee across the table, “You can have it.”

“You have always been like this, you know,” said the man as he put cream and sugar on the coffee, “Ordering an espresso macchiato and then not even touching it. You just sit here, looking at the streets, smoking a stick of cigarette, thinking and taking deep breaths once every five minutes.”

“Wow,” Kyle muttered, “I always do that?”

“Every single time you’re here.” He replied, “It seems that you are underestimating me.”

Kyle looked at the streets and took another deep breath, “No, it’s just that at some point I thought that you have never really watched everything.”

“Well, think again, kiddo, I know everything.” replied the man, “Now, let’s go back to that thing of yours, go ask me a question.”

Kyle continued looking at the streets as if he’s trying to find something. He is trying to find something, not on the streets, but in his mind. He notices the street lamp at the corner and realizes it’s the only street lamp in some long mile radius.

“Where were you?” Kyle finally said after some time. “I mean, do you think it’s too late to look for me?”

The man smiled, “I’m just here all along, kid,” he said then taking a sip from his coffee, “waiting for your call so that I can go find you.”

Kyle looked at the man, “Oh,” he said, “Is it too late to look for you then?”

“It never is.”

Kyle nodded and closed his eyes.

note : I was listening to The Fray's You Found Me when I was writing this... :D try listening to it! so beautiful!!

photocredit!!! : gilad on deviantart

moleskine love!!!

I developed a habit of taking pictures of my notebooks!! hehehehehehe... Thanks, Gen, for the moleskine! love it bigtime!!! :D :D :D it's the only thing in my real wishlist! hahahahaha...

Heart matters?

(Can't think of any titles that will not make this sounds like love thingy...because it's not!)

What is inside a man’s heart?

Scientifically, a man’s heart is a muscle designed to pump the blood around the body. It has two atriums and two ventricles that pretty much make the whole organ up. (That’s the only thing I know about hearts when it comes to science T_T how depressing…)

But figuratively what is in a man’s heart? Can one pretty much understand what it consists of? I mean, after all the long years of living, can one sort through all the anguish, ecstasy, surprise, desire, joy, and other things that has been injected into it?

What is the heart anyway? Is it the very core of our very selves? Is it strong enough to show and reflect who we really are inside?

If I were to choose which part of the body that I don’t like the most, it would be the bloody heart. Because, for me, it would never be just a body part, but an intricate system that shows who we used to be, who we currently are, who we will be and most especially who we wanted to be or who we strive not to be.

Why is the heart so deceitful?

No one can understand the heart, or no one living in this place called Earth, at least…

still bored...

1. want to go to Alcehmy's pajama party!!

2. craving for mango bravo!!!

3. missing an old bestfriend (go chezca! reunite us if you want to!!)

4. trying to write longhand perfectly... bloody hel

5. experiencing a series of headache due to excessive reading...(currently on a reading hiatus)

6. cleaning my room (again)

...utterly bored...

morning madman...

Morning comes and you lie on your bed wondering, pondering and thinking. At some point in time you doubt if you can ever let go of the things that you did, if at some point you can just consider it your past, never looking back at it and completely forgetting it.

But the past has always been a funny thing. I creeps out when you least expect it and haunts you at your weakest hour, and worst of all, it convinces you that, that’s the best that you can offer to this world and there’s nothing that can fully change that.

It has always been that monster you have tried burying and yet you fail. For you know, full well, that you are really being devoured by it ever minute of the day. And the thing is you really want to let go, but you have been completely paralyzed by it.

Will you cry for help or will you have enough strength to get through this utterly cruel fate? Can you wail for you plight to take its toll? Whatever path you may take, the morning will always seem to be the longest time of the day…

when words burn : a love letter for no one...

Will it hurt to just take a second glimpse at you? It is just that I haven’t memorized it yet. Who knew that, just a few seconds ago was the last moment of ecstasy for me would begin and at the same time, end? I don’t even know if I can live with this feeling.

What pain it is to find such object of affinity, to find someone and to live again. It is hard to just let it go-to let you go. Will you even notice the single heartbeat that beats for you? Will it be too much just to hold my hand?

I sit here doing nothing but to think of you, to reminisce the time when the world seems a blur but you? I pray to God that at some point in time you’d stop and feel the feelings I have for you. It has always been true that there is always a tragedy waiting for those who feel. A tragedy that sets apart all these thoughts inside me, a kind of twist in the lives of those who thought that there seems to be nothing more than breathing; a tragedy that would take one into a different light and a different world and change him completely. It is right to call you my tragedy?

Now that I have found you, will you find me?

“Words are things, and a small drop of ink, falling like dew upon a thought, produces that which makes thousands, perhaps millions, think”

- Lord Byron quotes (English Romantic poet and satirist, 1788-1824)

A new leaf

A few days right after the best holiday there is, our hopes of changing are usually rekindled. Because after almost 365 days of pretty much experiencing almost everything, from great success to deep failure, the feeling of starting anew would definitely take over us. But of course, starting over is never an easy thing, for it will always have the tendency to run over a few things, like the way you spend time with some of your friends, the personality that you have established, and the things that you thought you can’t leave without.

What is it that is so important in changing? I mean, for no reason at all, some decided to wake up earlier, eat less, stop smoking or drinking, and even change how they view life. What is the real essence of it? I think it is pretty much way beyond one’s comprehension.

Any real change implies the breakup of the world as one has always known it, the loss of all that gave one an identity, the end of safety. And at such a moment unable to see and not daring to imagine what the future will now bring forth, one clings to what one knew, or dreamed that one possessed. Yet, it is only when a man is able, without bitterness or self-pity, to surrender a dream he has long cherished or a privilege if has long possessed that if set free - he has set himself free - for higher dreams, for greater privileges. (Nobody known my name: more notes of a native son)

I hope you find it easy to read ü

boredom!!!

I am boring as of the moment-not bored- but boring. I mean, if you can pretty much see every single thing that I am doing this Christmas Vacation you’d be so bored that you’ll find yourself wanting to sleep instead. I am such a slacker! Bloody hell!! I can’t even force myself to do my Assignments and stuff!!

Here are the things that I’ve been up to lately:

1. Thinking of what I’ll get myself for my birthday (I really want a moleskine notebook but my friend talked me out of buying one last December 21.)
2. Reading e-books – (I already finished Gossip Girl, the first book of A series of unfortunate events, and currently reading the 2^nd book of a series of unfortunate events and I am legend (I AM LEGEND IS SO COOL) and I plan to read the book I borrowed from Sarah (The killing floor), The Prestige, Witch of Portobello, Veronika Decides to Die and The Zahir…
3. Sleep… I sleep more than 12 hours a day!!
4. Also, thinking if red wine is a suitable birthday gift to my friend...

broken

We all are broken. And no matter how much we try to look at it in every way there is always going to be a missing piece- something lacking in us, depriving us from being whole. It is quite scary to know that at some point in time we’re on the verge of falling apart and breaking down. And what’s worse, sometimes, we don’t have anyone to run to for help.

The thing is we know that we have to strive. We have to look for that missing piece that will make everything go away- we want everything to be perfect. And yes, with the knowledge of being incomplete we search for that completeness around us. But little do we know we cannot find it just about anywhere. No, it’s not within our comprehension, nor in any place that screams peace. We cannot even find it among us.

We long relentlessly for that feeling of being whole or being complete. And yet we fail to understand that someone made us broken to be whole. We need to know that there are thing we have to surrender and sometimes it even includes our very essence.

photo credit : the dark whisperer

traffic...

We all have a destination- a place where we know it is the end or something, but the thing is, it is completely different from all the endings that we are accustomed to. It is simply the conclusion of everything we loved, fought for, died for, and lived for. It is pretty much the wrap up of our very long and tiring journey.

What else is just as, if not more, important that our destination? It is how we get there. Just like a long drive at night we let ourselves flow with the traffic passing by some important moments. Letting ourselves feel the cold breeze of air and getting hypnotized by the sequence of streetlights that hover over us as we drive along.

Do we really know our destination, or we just let ourselves get lost without much thought of how we are supposed to find ourselves in our purpose? Actually, it is quite tempting to change course. To be somewhere you are not designed to be in. But the tragedy in it is that we never really are strong enough to stand alone and survive this long journey.

Shall we let ourselves get lost?

photo credit : torsten-hufsky

My Holiday...

7ish days to go and it’s Christmas. And all I can pretty much say that Christmas here in our house is quite different. Why? Well, because, right now it’s a mixture of different weird feelings- a mixture of both excitement and nostalgia. I don’t really know, I mean, for me this Christmas a lot quieter than the usual. I guess it’s because we’re going to be spending the Christmas without my sister who is in Dubai. It really is weird. I mean, it’s our second time to spend this holiday without Ate Rio but I mean seriously, it’s like, last time it feels like “oh she will be back soon enough”. But now, it just hard because it’s started to dawn on us that she’s quite far away, farther than the usual distance… waaah! Can’t wait for us to be complete again…I miss my sister so much…

my doggie, lucky, can't wait to open his gift!! :D

Dead Time

It is the slowest part of the day. The time when you just sit on one corner waiting for the world to just speed up its pace and eventually send you to where you wanted to be. Technically, you just sit there, looking around maybe even checking out every single person who sits there beside you. You try to find something that might interest you, yet, you fail. And though you try to avoid what’s coming next, you just simply fall into it with nothing but a deep breath that marks its beginning. Slowly, you sink deep into your thoughts.

You have been avoiding it for one main reason: so that your pretenses of how organized your thoughts are won’t blow its cover. The irony of it seems so hard to muster. Every single strand of memory and realization seems to bombard every single inch of space in your brain. But it’s completely unfortunate because you have to accept the fact that you are back there again. And all you have to do is sort out every single thing and try to understand whatever it is injected into your thoughts may it be new or old.

Questions are always there. They never fail to keep you awake at night and wonder where on earth they came from. And though you try to find the answers, it feels like it’s nothing but scanty.

You close your eyes, take a long deep breath and you finally find yourself again.