sweetened ham-doughnuts and chocolates

School Boredom...

2009-03-02T04:53:00.000+08:00

Posting this blog straight from my school!

1. Utterly bored by the fact that I am doing nothing.

2. Woke up late and got stuck in an impossible traffic...

3. Finding the world getting a lot smaller, robbing me of spaces to breathe in.

4. Burdened by the fact that I'm not as sociable as other people (how ironic because I am a kind of person who enjoys parties)

5. Hating my cough because I might visit the doctor anytime soon! I hate doctors

6. Can't get over heroes and dirty, sexy, money!!! :D

phantasmagoria..

2009-02-03T14:19:00.000+08:00

There will always be a time when I wish that everything is a dream. How I wish that I am in a world filled with autonomy of imagination, fantasies, impossibilities and even the scariest thing imaginable. But of course, no matter how much I try to refuse to leave this world, the reality of it would pull me out.

The scratching sound made by the old phonograph was the first thing I heave the moment my senses awakened. The recurring wound that signifies aimlessness and restless thoughts of searching for the hidden music in the depths of darkness enveloped the room.

I lay still on the bed; eyes closed and mind wondering around the ghostly room. How I wish I have never woken up, because the events of last night refuses to cease running in my head.

My eyes, though closed, searched for traces of light and found none. Then I remembered closing the curtains last night. Surely, no matter how high the sun is right now, no light can pass through those thick satin curtains.

My fist clenched at the thought of the light. It was as if I am trying to grasp something. But the only thing I was able to do was feel the smooth silk sheet of the bed with my nails as they run through every weave of tiny threads.

I lay still, thinking of every possible way to escape this reality before it’s too late. My senses are starting to become more aware. I took a deep breath and try to concentrate. I let my arm fall from the bed and touch the floor. But I was a mistake, because the moment I felt the floor-like the flood of water it started gushing over me-the floor.

Then it took over me-the memories. From the moment I entered the room, the phonograph, the curtains, to the very reason I am lying on this bed.

At that moment I have no choice but to open my eyes. It was then I realize where I was, the solitude I was in and the cursed brought by listening from the old phonograph.

- a while ago I asked my mom if I can buy a phonograph...she just stared at me blankly... :D

Bought myself a magazine!!! :D

2009-01-07T16:48:00.000+08:00

Well, one of the things that I decided to be doing this 2009 is to buy magazines! So, a while ago I decided to buy one, and what really caught my attention is the discovery channel magazine!! Hehehehe…I know, it’s geeky, but I really miss discovery channel. I remember watching it all day when I was a kid (talk about geekdom! Sheesh!).

First and Amistad...

2009-01-04T17:50:00.000+08:00

For the nth time Kyle sighed loudly. It was almost 3 o’clock in the morning and no matter how much he tried to sleep, it seems like it will just elude him completely, depriving him of the sleep that he needed. He sat up, turned on the lamp on his bedside table and surveyed his room.

He hated these kinds of nights-the nights when he ruefully wished he can fall asleep like any ordinary person. And instead of having so much to do, he’d just lie on his bed thinking of how to waste the time tomorrow. But unfortunately, for Kyle, his life has never been that simple. He is juggling so much in his life, from being a student to having a part time job. It has always been complicated. He even kinda forgot what it feels like to have nothing written on his planner to the point that planning is not even necessary.

After a few minutes he stood up, changed his clothes and took a glance at himself at the mirror. How he changed so much since his last birthday! From the way he dresses to his very appearance. What’s really surprising about this fact is that he just turned 19 a few months back. The changes did not even take a year to become conspicuous. How he hated getting old. If only he can be 16 forever and not think about anything as important as passing his exams and not losing his already lost job.

Kyle felt the cold breeze of the night the moment he stepped out of his house. He stopped, like he usually do, for a while to argue with himself if he’s going to go back inside and just try to sleep again. But it seems like going to sleep again is just a waste of time and sneaking back inside is much more risky than trying to go out the house undetected. Even though his parents are already used to this kind of nights when he would sneak out of the house and come back when the sun has already risen, for reasons unknown, he’d still do it as if he’s doing it for the first time back when he was still 17. With his mind all made up, he opened the gate as quietly as possible and walked as fast as he can.

The night has always been the same- pathetically boring. But there is something in with the night that made Kyle loved it so much; the blackness of the night sky, the street lamps that stand on every corner of the streets and the silence of it. Actually, Kyle loves the way the night seems so boring, making it the reason he’d walk all the way to the café on the corner of First and Amistad regardless of its utter distance from his house.

It took him half an hour to get to the café-always half an hour. He’d always walk on the same speed, take the same route and think of the same thoughts when he’s on his way to that place. And as a complete and final routine of his sleepless nights he’d take the same table (unless it has already been taken by some other customer) and order the same drink. And for some time he would just sit there, looking at the street and try to clear his thoughts.

“Insomnia?” Someone asked

Kyle only shrugged his shoulders, not even taking his gaze off the streets.

“You know, you can always try to go ask for help,” the person said as he sat on the chair fronting Kyle “so that you can at least get a sleeping pill or some sort.”

Kyle looked at the person; it has always been him- the same old person, the same old guy who would talk to him about how he’s dealing with everything and trying to give him some advice.

“I have been waiting for you.” The man said

“I have been waiting for you.” Kyle replied, “Seriously, does it always have to be like this?”

“Well, I found you.”

“I hate this!” said Kyle raising his voice, “Why is it so complicated or something or some sort!?”

“I hated it also, you know,” replied the man, “C’mon ask me one question.”

“Have I not asked you a question?”

“What, the one with the something and some sort?”

Kyle nodded, his temper getting out of hand already.

“Well, do you even consider that a question?” Replied the man, “C’mon, kid, don’t let the wreck of the day affect your grammar, I know you’re good at it.”

Kyle took out a cigarette from his pocket and lit it, “I just-”

“Do you seriously think that’s going to help?”

“What?” Asked Kyle

“The smoking,” replied the man, “are you even sure it’s really effective in times like this?”

Kyle looked at his cigarette, took a deep breath and put it out, “It’s just that I’ve gotten used to this.”

“Well trust me, kiddo, that’s not necessary.”

Kyle closed his eyes, nodded and whispered “Okay, I am sorry.” He then took out the rest of his smokes and placed it on the table, “Take it, and then throw it somewhere.”

“It’s okay, consider it forgotten” replied the man, “Let’s just leave it here. Hey are you going to drink that coffee of yours?”

Kyle pushed the coffee across the table, “You can have it.”

“You have always been like this, you know,” said the man as he put cream and sugar on the coffee, “Ordering an espresso macchiato and then not even touching it. You just sit here, looking at the streets, smoking a stick of cigarette, thinking and taking deep breaths once every five minutes.”

“Wow,” Kyle muttered, “I always do that?”

“Every single time you’re here.” He replied, “It seems that you are underestimating me.”

Kyle looked at the streets and took another deep breath, “No, it’s just that at some point I thought that you have never really watched everything.”

“Well, think again, kiddo, I know everything.” replied the man, “Now, let’s go back to that thing of yours, go ask me a question.”

Kyle continued looking at the streets as if he’s trying to find something. He is trying to find something, not on the streets, but in his mind. He notices the street lamp at the corner and realizes it’s the only street lamp in some long mile radius.

“Where were you?” Kyle finally said after some time. “I mean, do you think it’s too late to look for me?”

The man smiled, “I’m just here all along, kid,” he said then taking a sip from his coffee, “waiting for your call so that I can go find you.”

Kyle looked at the man, “Oh,” he said, “Is it too late to look for you then?”

“It never is.”

Kyle nodded and closed his eyes.

note : I was listening to The Fray's You Found Me when I was writing this... :D try listening to it! so beautiful!!

photocredit!!! : gilad on deviantart

moleskine love!!!

2009-01-02T17:18:00.000+08:00

I developed a habit of taking pictures of my notebooks!! hehehehehehe... Thanks, Gen, for the moleskine! love it bigtime!!! :D :D :D it's the only thing in my real wishlist! hahahahaha...

Heart matters?

2009-01-01T23:20:00.000+08:00

(Can't think of any titles that will not make this sounds like love thingy...because it's not!)

What is inside a man’s heart?

Scientifically, a man’s heart is a muscle designed to pump the blood around the body. It has two atriums and two ventricles that pretty much make the whole organ up. (That’s the only thing I know about hearts when it comes to science T_T how depressing…)

But figuratively what is in a man’s heart? Can one pretty much understand what it consists of? I mean, after all the long years of living, can one sort through all the anguish, ecstasy, surprise, desire, joy, and other things that has been injected into it?

What is the heart anyway? Is it the very core of our very selves? Is it strong enough to show and reflect who we really are inside?

If I were to choose which part of the body that I don’t like the most, it would be the bloody heart. Because, for me, it would never be just a body part, but an intricate system that shows who we used to be, who we currently are, who we will be and most especially who we wanted to be or who we strive not to be.

Why is the heart so deceitful?

No one can understand the heart, or no one living in this place called Earth, at least…

still bored...

2008-12-29T18:38:00.000+08:00

1. want to go to Alcehmy's pajama party!!

2. craving for mango bravo!!!

3. missing an old bestfriend (go chezca! reunite us if you want to!!)

4. trying to write longhand perfectly... bloody hel

5. experiencing a series of headache due to excessive reading...(currently on a reading hiatus)

6. cleaning my room (again)

...utterly bored...

morning madman...

2008-12-29T04:54:00.000+08:00

Morning comes and you lie on your bed wondering, pondering and thinking. At some point in time you doubt if you can ever let go of the things that you did, if at some point you can just consider it your past, never looking back at it and completely forgetting it.

But the past has always been a funny thing. I creeps out when you least expect it and haunts you at your weakest hour, and worst of all, it convinces you that, that’s the best that you can offer to this world and there’s nothing that can fully change that.

It has always been that monster you have tried burying and yet you fail. For you know, full well, that you are really being devoured by it ever minute of the day. And the thing is you really want to let go, but you have been completely paralyzed by it.

Will you cry for help or will you have enough strength to get through this utterly cruel fate? Can you wail for you plight to take its toll? Whatever path you may take, the morning will always seem to be the longest time of the day…

when words burn : a love letter for no one...

2008-12-28T11:21:00.000+08:00

Will it hurt to just take a second glimpse at you? It is just that I haven’t memorized it yet. Who knew that, just a few seconds ago was the last moment of ecstasy for me would begin and at the same time, end? I don’t even know if I can live with this feeling.

What pain it is to find such object of affinity, to find someone and to live again. It is hard to just let it go-to let you go. Will you even notice the single heartbeat that beats for you? Will it be too much just to hold my hand?

I sit here doing nothing but to think of you, to reminisce the time when the world seems a blur but you? I pray to God that at some point in time you’d stop and feel the feelings I have for you. It has always been true that there is always a tragedy waiting for those who feel. A tragedy that sets apart all these thoughts inside me, a kind of twist in the lives of those who thought that there seems to be nothing more than breathing; a tragedy that would take one into a different light and a different world and change him completely. It is right to call you my tragedy?

Now that I have found you, will you find me?

“Words are things, and a small drop of ink, falling like dew upon a thought, produces that which makes thousands, perhaps millions, think”

- Lord Byron quotes (English Romantic poet and satirist, 1788-1824)

A new leaf

2008-12-27T17:57:00.000+08:00

A few days right after the best holiday there is, our hopes of changing are usually rekindled. Because after almost 365 days of pretty much experiencing almost everything, from great success to deep failure, the feeling of starting anew would definitely take over us. But of course, starting over is never an easy thing, for it will always have the tendency to run over a few things, like the way you spend time with some of your friends, the personality that you have established, and the things that you thought you can’t leave without.

What is it that is so important in changing? I mean, for no reason at all, some decided to wake up earlier, eat less, stop smoking or drinking, and even change how they view life. What is the real essence of it? I think it is pretty much way beyond one’s comprehension.

Any real change implies the breakup of the world as one has always known it, the loss of all that gave one an identity, the end of safety. And at such a moment unable to see and not daring to imagine what the future will now bring forth, one clings to what one knew, or dreamed that one possessed. Yet, it is only when a man is able, without bitterness or self-pity, to surrender a dream he has long cherished or a privilege if has long possessed that if set free - he has set himself free - for higher dreams, for greater privileges. (Nobody known my name: more notes of a native son)

I hope you find it easy to read ü

boredom!!!

2008-12-26T18:54:00.000+08:00

I am boring as of the moment-not bored- but boring. I mean, if you can pretty much see every single thing that I am doing this Christmas Vacation you’d be so bored that you’ll find yourself wanting to sleep instead. I am such a slacker! Bloody hell!! I can’t even force myself to do my Assignments and stuff!!

Here are the things that I’ve been up to lately:

Thinking of what I’ll get myself for my birthday (I really want a moleskine notebook but my friend talked me out of buying one last December 21.)
Reading e-books – (I already finished Gossip Girl, the first book of A series of unfortunate events, and currently reading the 2^nd book of a series of unfortunate events and I am legend (I AM LEGEND IS SO COOL) and I plan to read the book I borrowed from Sarah (The killing floor), The Prestige, Witch of Portobello, Veronika Decides to Die and The Zahir…
Sleep… I sleep more than 12 hours a day!!
Also, thinking if red wine is a suitable birthday gift to my friend...

broken

2008-12-20T16:43:00.000+08:00

We all are broken. And no matter how much we try to look at it in every way there is always going to be a missing piece- something lacking in us, depriving us from being whole. It is quite scary to know that at some point in time we’re on the verge of falling apart and breaking down. And what’s worse, sometimes, we don’t have anyone to run to for help.

The thing is we know that we have to strive. We have to look for that missing piece that will make everything go away- we want everything to be perfect. And yes, with the knowledge of being incomplete we search for that completeness around us. But little do we know we cannot find it just about anywhere. No, it’s not within our comprehension, nor in any place that screams peace. We cannot even find it among us.

We long relentlessly for that feeling of being whole or being complete. And yet we fail to understand that someone made us broken to be whole. We need to know that there are thing we have to surrender and sometimes it even includes our very essence.

photo credit : the dark whisperer

traffic...

2008-12-19T13:19:00.000+08:00

We all have a destination- a place where we know it is the end or something, but the thing is, it is completely different from all the endings that we are accustomed to. It is simply the conclusion of everything we loved, fought for, died for, and lived for. It is pretty much the wrap up of our very long and tiring journey.

What else is just as, if not more, important that our destination? It is how we get there. Just like a long drive at night we let ourselves flow with the traffic passing by some important moments. Letting ourselves feel the cold breeze of air and getting hypnotized by the sequence of streetlights that hover over us as we drive along.

Do we really know our destination, or we just let ourselves get lost without much thought of how we are supposed to find ourselves in our purpose? Actually, it is quite tempting to change course. To be somewhere you are not designed to be in. But the tragedy in it is that we never really are strong enough to stand alone and survive this long journey.

Shall we let ourselves get lost?

photo credit : torsten-hufsky

My Holiday...

2008-12-17T17:26:00.000+08:00

7ish days to go and it’s Christmas. And all I can pretty much say that Christmas here in our house is quite different. Why? Well, because, right now it’s a mixture of different weird feelings- a mixture of both excitement and nostalgia. I don’t really know, I mean, for me this Christmas a lot quieter than the usual. I guess it’s because we’re going to be spending the Christmas without my sister who is in Dubai. It really is weird. I mean, it’s our second time to spend this holiday without Ate Rio but I mean seriously, it’s like, last time it feels like “oh she will be back soon enough”. But now, it just hard because it’s started to dawn on us that she’s quite far away, farther than the usual distance… waaah! Can’t wait for us to be complete again…I miss my sister so much…

my doggie, lucky, can't wait to open his gift!! :D

Dead Time

2008-12-15T17:35:00.000+08:00

It is the slowest part of the day. The time when you just sit on one corner waiting for the world to just speed up its pace and eventually send you to where you wanted to be. Technically, you just sit there, looking around maybe even checking out every single person who sits there beside you. You try to find something that might interest you, yet, you fail. And though you try to avoid what’s coming next, you just simply fall into it with nothing but a deep breath that marks its beginning. Slowly, you sink deep into your thoughts.

You have been avoiding it for one main reason: so that your pretenses of how organized your thoughts are won’t blow its cover. The irony of it seems so hard to muster. Every single strand of memory and realization seems to bombard every single inch of space in your brain. But it’s completely unfortunate because you have to accept the fact that you are back there again. And all you have to do is sort out every single thing and try to understand whatever it is injected into your thoughts may it be new or old.

Questions are always there. They never fail to keep you awake at night and wonder where on earth they came from. And though you try to find the answers, it feels like it’s nothing but scanty.

You close your eyes, take a long deep breath and you finally find yourself again.

Blooddy hell, It's Christmas!!!

2008-12-09T15:40:00.000+08:00

Bloody hell, it’s Christmas!!

It’s Christmas, it’s Christmas!!!

Imagine my surprise when I saw our old Christmas tree in our living room!!!

I can’t wait for Christmas day itself!!

It’s just that, for the first time in so many years the holiday season has grown on me! :D

Such ecstasy!!!

if only you can unlearn stuff...

2008-12-06T23:11:00.000+08:00

So here I am again- fronting the computer with my tea at four o’clock in the morning, trying to decide whether today has been something worth remembering or not.

Seriously, I don’t know. I just wish I can just forget how things were without much recoil on it. But unfortunately, I can say is sometimes you tend to become the slave of whatever it is that has been trying to control you.

Life is something really, really hard! I mean, sometimes you thought you are strong enough to fight whatever it is out there but then when you finally see it, you’ll realize that you’re utterly helpless, vulnerable and pathetically useless.

Seriously, I wish I can just unlearn some stuff. I wish I never thought about it…

(imagine me talking in brit accent while reading this!)

It is ultimately hard…but before I can move on, my fight for tonight is the unbearable headache that the loud music gave me!!

come to think of it!!

2008-12-04T17:43:00.000+08:00

Seriously, how can one order his brain to stop thinking? I mean some people just find it hard to control the overflowing of thoughts from their brain. And, unfortunately, I am one of those people. I mean, seriously, it’s hard once you got the habit of thinking too much. I don’t consider this as worrying or something negative, I see it as relentlessly analyzing every single thing that is involved with everything one can fathom.

I’ve been thinking too much right now!!!

Some of the things that I just can’t stop thinking about are:

Recent conversations (waah! Seriously! This is really shaking my mind!!)
Regrets
Possible solutions to some life’s impossible weirdness…
Studies
Time

what's frustrating with this darn post is that there are so many things in my mind right now, and I can only come up with such short post!!!

When the night sky seems to smile back at you...

2008-12-01T19:12:00.000+08:00

Did you see the night sky a while ago? I mean, did you notice the moon together with two stars forming what it seems like a smile. Seriously, it’s something you have to see. I don’t know, it’s just so calming to watch. You don’t get to see that always.

Looking at it reminds me of something. A card that my friend gave me for graduation (thanks Janet!!! Miss you so much!!!) it says : “Tomorrow is a blank page just waiting to be filled with your dreams… all you have to do is be yourself and live the story that no one else can live – the story of your own unique life.” I don’t know why the moon reminded me of something like this. But heck, it is technically true. We all have a story- a story that tells about pain, happiness, ecstasy, fantasy and even a journey for those who reminisces things so much. A story that has been known by everyone, a story that is only shared between two people, a story that is better left untold, and even a story that is yet to be written and known. Yes, there are so many stories, and every single second they keep on growing in numbers. I’d like to know every single story there is, no matter how long, graphic, horrendous, macabre or melancholic it is I want to hear everything. Stories made the world a lot pleasant to live in, but the only disadvantage that these stories bring is that sometimes it’s so beautiful that you’d just want to stay there forever, not moving on, fighting for its grasp and then before you know it you’re no longer living…

Here’s my story:

I took a deep breath, for it’s been ages since I last tasted the sweet air that kept me on going back to this place. For me, the sound that the gust of wind makes is a music that no one can ever describe. I feel like I am in heaven, for the surge of tranquility has completely paralyzed me. I closed my eyes for my spirit cannot take the beauty that this place shows. I started walking and slowly feeling the sand beneath my bare feet. I know where exactly I am. The warmth of the sun started crawling on my skin as I move foreword. And it was when I felt the cold water of the sea that I decided to open my eyes. The sun is slowly setting-bidding goodbye to every single living creature there is. Any minute from now, the whole world will be covered with darkness marking the end of the day. How come the day has to end? How come we were not given a choice to stay in a certain day for a certain period of time? The night- will always catch everyone, who doesn’t know how to live today, off guard with tomorrow. I can’t stop being weary of what will happen if I dive into the depths of dreams. I want this day to stay forever…

ps: thanks to hafz!! I was enlightened!! I didn't know it was venus and jupiter!!! hehehehe The SKY is SMILING

click to see her post!!

the hell with growing!?

2008-11-26T17:25:00.000+08:00

It’s been ages since I last put my thoughts on paper (or rather on my blog), and right now, all my thoughts have piled up occupying most of my sane mind. Unfortunately, as much as I want to have more time for leisure and stuff, I barely have any. Actually I don’t even have the time to catch my breath that much. And the only time left in my pocket is only enough for me to be able to get some energy for what lies ahead.

Well, actually, that’s not my main thing in this blogpost. My thoughts right now are pretty much preoccupied by something called growth… I mean, seriously, all of us want to grow, whether physically, emotionally, mentally and whatsoever. But hell, no one really told me it would be so complicated.

It’s weird to be thinking about this right now, because, come to think of it I should know how it is like already. But apparently I decided to experience it just now. Who knew it would be hard, utterly strange, sluggish and exhausting! If only I knew how to deal with it earlier my life would be more fun and less tiring.

Growth, according to my handy dandy dictionary, is some process of becoming larger and more mature!!! Well, it’s some part of it but you get the point. Why on earth do I want to grow!? I really don’t know. But here’s what I learn:

Growing means you have to step out of your comfort zone

If you want to grow, you have to accept the fact that you’re some pathetic imbecile that will never be good for anything if you just sit on one corner and watch the whole world revolve around you

You have to meet other people who are way beyond comprehension!!! Seriously!! Sometimes I run out of ideas how to deal with those people.

And some other stuff…

I just realized a while ago how happy I can be with just my notebook and pen!!!! :D

I need more TIME!!!!!!!!

2008-11-20T16:32:00.000+08:00

“All of us were given an ample of time- 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and so on. And, yes, it’s more than enough. It’s just a matter of GREAT time management.”

That is one of the many things that one of my friends told me when I kept ranting about not having enough time. It really does make sense. But the thing is it’s awfully hard to be able to distribute time properly to the things that you have to accomplish. I mean, most of the time you get sidetracked by things that is quite hard to ignore. And also, time management is needs heaps of discipline. The thing is I barely have any when it comes to focusing on things to be done. So I guess I really have to do some adjusting.

(So to my friends who are expecting a little of me to spend a night with them! I am so sorry!!! Because all I can say is “so much for my social life”)

Things that made my happy today regardless of how much it ended so “ragefully” (it’s really irritating how exhaustion can really get into people’s nerves!!):

my ever cute doggie who just doesn’t give up on making himself cute so that he can get a treat

pats on my back for a job-not-so-well-done :D

Chocolates!!!

No school this Saturday!!!

Cease to exist

2008-11-17T17:30:00.000+08:00

What on earth is the meaning of every breathing moment in life? I mean, technically you live, breathe, laugh, cry and even feel a little bit weird sometimes-all of these you do for the sake of existing. I know, reading that two previous sentence may sound ridiculous because basically I MIGHT be missing the point here. But I mean, seriously, of all the years that you’ve been living on this Earth, at some point in time you’d wish that you’ll just cease to exist.

What is it with all the things here? I mean all the things that matter. Because the thing is, they eat you alive. Of course, at first, you want to have this kind of moment when you think you just can’t hope for anything more. But then you realize you just can’t have them. You’d start pulling them out of you but it’s too late for they had sunk so deep into your system that they reached the very core of your humanity. In the end, you’ll just wish to disappear for even a single second, leaving everything behind.

let me end this with a dream...

All that I want...

2008-11-15T19:10:00.000+08:00

Isang blogpost na pinauso ni cien!!!! Hehehehehe…

So here’s my wish list that took me a week to complete…whew…who knew that making one is hard work!!

CDs!!!!!!

Keane’s Perfect Symmetry and the Gossip Girl Soundtrack(OMFGG)… :D

Books!!

JD Salinger’s works and the 2008 winner of man booker prize (I think it’s white tiger, I forgot the title) and Anne Enright’s The Gathering(also shorlisted in man booker prize..I think the book also won..I just can’t remember). The man booker prize org thing always chooses the best books! And Salinger’s style is so addictive that you want to read his books over and over…Haruki Murakami too!!!

Lomo Cam

I want the Holga…hehehehe..

Molskine Notebook!!!

This would really make me happy!!!

Haruki Murakami Planner

I’m not a planner person, but heck, this planner is so cool!!

Wallet

Ever since my wallet got stolen back in first year college I have been using my Garfield wallet. The thing is I am getting too old for a Garfield wallet…

Watchmen Series

This is the evolution of my love for twilight…I mean, the twilight series is over and I want another vampire series…so why not try a graphic novel? But heck, graphic novels are expensive!! I want to watch true blood too!!!

Mango Bravo!!

Seriously! This cake never left my mind the moment I tasted it! It’s heaven!!!!

Photographic memory

Who doesn’t need this? I wish I can have Lexie Grey’s memory so that memorizing won’t be a problem! With this, accounting would be slightly easier…

Mogwai membership

Mogwai is a small cafe and movie house...you have to be a member to be able to watch their movies…their membership is a little bit pricey…

I need my cigarette break

2008-11-12T16:40:00.000+08:00

I don’t really smoke, but I really need to take a breather. You know, the kind that smokers do in the middle of their work just to ease things up. That’s what I want to do, minus the cigar. I mean, seriously, I know it’s just the start of the semester and all but there are a lot of other things that has been happening and it causes my brain to do some overdrive. I think it’s quite usual for people like me to experience that. You know, I’m one of those people who just don’t have any idea what to do next right after the task assigned to him is done. And not really knowing what to do can really drive me crazy. I just need a cigarette break. Maybe a walk will do, or dining out with some of my closest friends or even a long dreamless sleep…

when people go missing...

2008-11-08T19:28:00.000+08:00

It’s awfully hard not to have your “person” by you when you really need him/her. I mean, you just need that kind of person who won’t pass any judgment even though you committed murder, felony, fraud or any other illegal stuff-not that I have done anything like that-and that someone you can spend some time with talking in some old café. I really miss my person and unfortunately, for the time being my person has gone missing for reason only the friggin’ heaven know…

I hate it. I hate how things in life can make one so utterly busy and putting a halt into a relationship, may it be romantic or not (and for future references all of my relationships are not romantic). It can get really frustrating, because sometimes you just want to be angry but you just can’t because you don’t know where or whom to be angry at.

Then there are people who are just there. Regardless of how close you are to that person, he or she will just be there, Existing, not even caring if there’s some earthquake or what. Well my point is, there are these people who exist in your life for the sake of existing. But the thing is, you appreciate their presence because it seems that they keep the balance in your life even though they don’t play a big part of it. So when they leave it’s like entering into a new world that is quite hard to be familiar with and it’s utterly hard to adjust…

I just hate it when people go missing…

Trouble

2008-11-06T12:20:00.000+08:00

“Trouble been dogging my soul

Since the day I was born”

It was a single drop of rain that woke my senses up. It was a light touch that grew and took over my whole body, taking the numbness out of me. But then what, what will I feel next? The vulnerability will soon sink in and, eventually, forcing me to hide again. I need some place to run to, something that I can grasp and hold on to.

Tell me, will time be always of the essence? Because, the fact that you cannot take it back always left me yearning for more. If only I can delay misery, then maybe, it would be easier to cope.

been through hell...

2008-11-01T07:18:00.000+08:00

“How long have you been doing it!?” awestruck, my cousin asked me

“More or less six months,” I replied, “but that was like ages ago and I'm over it.”

That was our last exchange of words because a few seconds after her friend arrived so we have to immediately change our topic. And after that was an awkward silence, which made it easier for me to hide into my thoughts and try to ponder on the words that left my bloody lips.

What I said to my cousin is some secret that was well kept by everyone who knows, also, it was the very reason why I’m trying to change some bloody aspects of my life. I mean, right now, I am hoping that when I look at this time of my life I will just consider it as a phase that every normal person would encounter and, right now, I’m doing a great job on proving it to be one.

So, all I can say about this is that I’ve been through hell and at my age I know I will be back there. I am just hoping that, like before, it would be with my friends so that it will not be boring…

Sophia

2008-10-30T06:14:00.000+08:00

Your symphony has never left me, for in the passing time I yearn nothing but to become yours. In the horizon I see noting but your reflection; a reflection that would never fade and would control me completely. In can never end, this feeling, for every time I breathe, I inhale your hypnotizing story into me.

Will there be a moment for me to take you away? This feeling I have in me will never die now. And the mere thought of you is an ecstasy to my mind. Now, I find it hard to wake up, for it ends my dream of gazing upon you forever.

I will always pray that you’d hear me my song. A song which sings only of you and whose dances meant of whatever it means to love you.

Can you see it? Can you feel me? Open your eyes now and let’s run away together.

note : I don't know who Sophia is... :D

photo from : momoclax

once upon a time...

2008-10-29T12:53:00.000+08:00

The first page! it's too small though! :D I scanned it!

I was cleaning my room when I found an old story that I wrote for my friend to celebrate her love life… (Go Tinkerbell!!!) I really miss writing, but it’s really unfortunate that I really can’t find anything to write about. I guess it’s because my mind has been fully taken over by my studies and it’s was just last Friday when I was able to completely clear up my mind from the worries of failing…and right now I am making up for lost time and by the time I’m starting to catch up, I’m already going to school again, worrying about passing again…whew…I never thought this vacation is too short for me…I need more time!!! SIGH!!!!

Between what is right and what you want… (again?)

2008-10-19T19:33:00.000+08:00

Okay, seriously, I have contained myself for the longest time in my whole life. The last time I decided to let go of all the pressures in life without really caring about my surroundings was May 31, 2008, which was ages ago! So, it was when I was talking to my friend on the phone when I realized how much I am dying to have a night out with my old bar buddies (wewt!)! Waaah! I don’t know, I mean, I am DYING go out right now and just have some fun. I guess it’s kinda hard to ignore the party blood once it got injected into your system. I mean, the great music, the relentless dancing, and uhm..well, the occasional drinks put you in a state of trance that would simply be etched onto your brain making you crave for more. I promised myself that I won’t be doing this anymore since, I don’t know, it’s kinda getting old for me but I guess it just won’t go away! Drinks anyone? :D

I WANT ONE!!

2008-10-15T17:56:00.000+08:00

It’s quite weird and useless to be talking about notebooks, but for those who don’t know, I love buying notebooks for no reason at all. Well, mostly for the sake of me having something to doodle or scribble on since most of the time, thoughts would seeps out of my effin’ brain. So here’s the thing: I found a very cool notebook that I really, really, REALLY want to buy!!! It’s kind of weird, but I would consider notebooks as one of my luxuries in life!!! :D but another thing is…it costs over a thousand pesos (a thousand pesos if you order it…)! Wuhuhuhu… so right now I am battling practicality over wants or wants over practicality or whatever! Another thing that made the decision making harder is I have a great reason to buy one! :D

untold chronicles of silence

2008-10-11T21:27:00.000+08:00

.silence is bronze. by ~cisya on deviant ART

I lie here in silence, for silence is all I have. My spirit has been stripped off its feeling, numbing me completely. Can anyone tell me of melancholy? For in melancholy I would sing.

I lie here in the darkness for I have turned myself blind. With the desires for the things I see, I turned my back from life. Now, every vein in my body seeps out of stories of wild ecstasy of relentless pains.

Can anyone tell me the tale of death? For though, in death I can find nothing, I have let my weakness find myself there.

I have nothing to carry, and in my emptiness I have found nothing of importance. I have chased winds and now I’m falling with it-not flying-falling.

note : mind clutters that ended up on a piece of paper that ended up here!! :D

Now that I have my life back..I don't know what I'm going to do with it...

2008-10-05T17:13:00.000+08:00

At long last, my major exams are over and the only remaining exams are pretty easy compared to the excruciating test I have taken a few days back. And now, the only thing that I am worrying about is how to spend my sembreak without boring my guts out. I don’t know what to do! I mean I am the kind of person who, though likes being alone, can’t stay in one place for too long without doing anything. One week of break is too long for me. So what am I going to do? I don’t know so if any of you have any ideas, tell me, I am open to any suggestions.

So since I have no idea on what else is there to do, I am planning on locking myself away to our province for almost the whole break, but I don’t know if I am going to last long there. I mean, it’s so far away from civilization to the point that cellphone signals are so scarce that you have to be in the middle of the sea to get a bar, plus, there’s no studio 23 there so I’m not gonna be able to watch Grey’s anatomy making it hard for me to decided whether I am going to be doing this.

Our province!! waah I miss the beach!!!

Another plan of mine to read my heart out, since I have been literally hoarding on books this semester. On the contrary, I don’t know if the books that I bought will last for the whole sembreak, since, even though I try to slow down my reading, I still end up finishing books in one seating, I just can’t stop reading the moment I started.

Was in a book frenzy last month! can't stop buying!

So that is pretty much my plans for this sembreak, plus the occasional partying but I don’t know if I’m going to get something good from that now (I, so unless I concocted a new plan all these can be called “a complete system of lack of thoughts”. Sheesh..so again, suggest something please..ü

out of reason

2008-10-01T22:05:00.000+08:00

Hmmm…it’s like sitting on a chair in front of your bloody study table for two hours and doing nothing but stare at your thick books without even understanding a word. That, for me, is called giving up.

Seriously, I am not stressed nor even on the verge of going gaga due to the freakishly hard finals. I am fed up. So fed up that I would just want to walk away without much effort to survive whatever is there for me now. I don’t know, it’s just that I am not a huge fan of frustrations. And right now, almost every single thing around me seems so frustrating (but surprisingly, my uncle, whom I work for, is not!!).

I don’t know, should I have a reason for doing this - for giving up or going on, I mean? Do I have to have one? Because if I do, I command it to appear now, at this very moment while I am typing these stupid thoughts! Well, unfortunately, it is not appearing now, ‘cause if it is I won’t be continuing this post. Okay I don’t know what to write anymore.. so I guess it ends here.. weird…

oblivious..

2008-09-28T21:03:00.000+08:00

So what now? I am here, fronting the computer, looking for the right drive to make my freaking brain work properly again. I don’t know, maybe it’s because of the aftermath of an epiphany that I can’t last long in an ultra crowded place with weird lights, loud music and a makeshift nebulizer without struggling to keep myself sane. So here I am typing what is supposed to be a synopsis of one of my favorite literary pieces but unable to find the right words and style to make it acceptable.

Hmmm…so whatever is happening to my life right now is pretty much in the boring side. No freakishly embarrassing moments or weird made up scenes in the mall or something. Mostly everything that has been happening to me is because of such case called oblivion. Yeah, I am utterly, irrevocably oblivious of my surroundings. How was I able to say that? Well, tell me, have you ever seen a person who without any valid reason at all, tripped while standing still on an escalator? I don’t know, I think my brain is having this momentary interval when it just dies down on me. Crazy it may seem I just think it can happen.

Well, another thing that has been in my mind for a very long time is Grey’s Anatomy. I so badly miss the bloody series! And seriously, I hate the writers for making it so great to the point that they made the season finale so hard to get over with. I think they should put in mind that some are going gaga over it!!

Okay so much for all of these mumbles. I need to make my life happen!! In much painful terms, I need to pass my failing subjects, finish my half done project, prepare for a hell of a work from my uncle, and try not to lose my self control when I see pastas.

of being stuck and thinking of ways of getting unstuck

2008-09-19T17:48:00.000+08:00

(wow, please bear with me..my mind is kinda dead so I can't think of any title for this post that is not lame..ü)

So here’s the thing, you’d wake up 5:30ish in the morning just to lie awake and think over what has been happening in you bloody life for the past few weeks-months even, when you realized that you don’t know where you’re going from where you are right now (This sentence feels like it’s not making any sense, I hope it does).

I mean, seriously, after almost four years of striving over this freakishly hard thing that I, unintentionally, placed myself into. It was only just a few days ago when I realized that I might have made a mistake or something or some sort or whatever. Because right now, I really do want to find an escape route away from everything, but unfortunately the only escape route that I can see may lead me to ruins, in short, it’s utterly stupid. So right now, I feel stuck in a certain timeframe and no matter how much I try to keep the time going or passing or whatever, it won’t budge. And so it’s hard, so hard, that sometimes I think that I’m maybe making a fool of myself from all of these. It’s just so complex right now that I just want to stop for a whole day and breathe, just breathe, be numb and completely be taken away from the thoughts of this preposterous insanity. But unfortunately I just can’t find any reason to do so, so here I am moving, thinking, and trying to unstuck myself from this stupid thing.

So, in the end, after thinking all about these stuff (well in my case, taking all these screaming words out of my mind) you’d realize that you’d it’s just a complete waste of effort and time (and rest).

something something: draft...

2008-01-22T19:05:00.000+08:00

I don't really know if this is a finished thing or what...

I'm just always getting hung up at the moment..so I don't know..I can't really finish what I've started...

Tell me not to stay,

For in the fading time I say

“Come, let’s go, and run away”

No one should hear us

For we shall disappear at dusk

Even magic can’t save us

The little sparkle in this play

We bid good bye-silent day;

Feeling the sounds of May

Come, let us not go back

Let’s go far and never turn back

For no one should see us

Let’s completely forget

The blue eyes that make our minds set;

The pains I won’t regret

Come, let us not return;

Experience every twists and turns

For I feel our hearts burn

Words can’t make what we make

And go far away without break

In this secret lives we take

Come, leave and run away

Live with me ‘til the end of day

For I will live with you-

Forever

Still forever…

fumbling towards ecstasy...

2007-12-22T04:43:00.000+08:00

It’s a different thing. With its unusual smell you would think it will bring great devastation to those who let their lips touch it. But then again, here comes your sense of adventure, the feeling of great discovery, of crossing and exceeding the normal limit of one person, and then, your let it hit you. From a different bitter taste on your first sip, it eventually turned out to be something much better, something that you never though that you’ll be looking for over and over again.

Okay. I can’t believe I am writing some nonsense about some liquor or something. And I can’t believe that I am so craving for one. I guess the though if it being out of my mental system makes me want it more. I am not an alcoholic though. I just got fond of it since last summer when my friends introduced me to some friendly alcoholic drink. And ever since, I’ve been nicking some brandy in our house; I only do it once in a blue moon, though. Just make it our dirty little secret.

I guess I’ll just try not to think about it. But there’s this profound insanity in me, which I share with one of my close friends, about drinking. It’s something to do with the bittersweet feeling of it as it sends warm cutting feeling down your throat. Whew! I’ll have to stop thinking about it…

Wewt(pinaarteng woot!)! It’s our Christmas break na!! But one big irony of it all is I can think of doing this break it to study in advance…how geeky of me!! But I guess I’ll try to start writing again, and next time with more sense unlike this weird post…

Monday weirdness...

2007-11-26T12:11:00.000+08:00

Monday!

Ate chocolate for breakfast

Drank my first coffee for the semester

Experience my first every afternoon class

Ate fishball!(miss eating one!)

killed a whole community of ants = 10 casualties and over a hundred deaths!

harhar...loved my monday...it's so monday-eeee

First day of class...

2007-11-20T18:49:00.000+08:00

“Is there a liability in such case, Mr. Laririt?”

“Damn” I muttered to myself.

Of all the students in my class why do I have to be the first one to be called and answer my professor’s surprise recitation in our first official class?

Crap! I stood there, literally shaking, trying to remember all the things that I have read in my book to be able to create the perfect reason or argument for my answer. All eyes are on me, I can feel it, and most of it are expressing the anticipation of what fate will I have, the moment I answer our professor.

Though I’ve been only standing for about a minute and a half, it feels like it’s been ages. Plus, watching my professor walking around our classroom waiting for me to answer his goddamn question is like living in hell and having no certainty of when it will end.

It took me another half minute to find my voice and answer. Though I know I have said it completely and with substance, I only heard myself uttering the words “if ever, whatever, and possession”.

Then my professor walk towards me and said, “Good enough.”

-And that’s the highlight of my day… a complete system of struggle for survival on my first day… (I almost had a nervous breakdown!)

My overkill…

2007-11-13T08:51:00.000+08:00

Have you ever experience walking in the rain even though you have an umbrella with you?

I guess, that question pretty much depict my current regret, because if you haven’t done it yet, well you’re missing one heck of an experience. What I mean is, sometimes you don’t really need to protect yourself, hide under things or even put your guards up just to prevent yourself from breaking or showing your true color. Because sometimes it is what you really needed-an exposure to things that you have been trying to avoid for the longest time.

That just happened to me, though I have done it so many times, it was only now when I realized that I have missed out on so many things that might have made things a lot easier.

I have never failed on drawing the line, showing my complete limitation and building up fences that will protect me from painful damages that people might bring to me. But the thing is, little did I know, I am causing more damage to myself. And before I knew it, I have trapped myself inside this closed area, away from people, suffocated and stranded in the present that has caused much trepidation-I have done it too much.

"Throw caution to the wind"

That’s what I’ve been putting in my mind lately. For if I have done it earlier, I might’ve met people that might help me see things better. So, it’s what I am going to do now that I have a chance to start over again. I am going to throw caution to the wind, take off those lines and fences and let myself be exposed to the things around me. I just need to be prepared to face the things that might come…

still life...

2007-11-06T20:27:00.000+08:00

“Don’t let go!”

I held his hand tighter when I heard him. His voice was rather distant. I guess it’s because I am slowly falling into a blissful trance that made me feel so far away from the world.

My eyes are closed. I can barely hear anything, just my laughter and sudden screams. Again, I tightened my grip to his hand so that I won’t slip away. And there’s a force, a force that’s pulling me backwards, a force that I know I have to fight.

We are spinning, facing each other and holding each other’s hand. And that seems to be the best memory I have of him. I tried to hear him one more time, but he seems to be farther away from me. And though I know I am holding his hands, I can’t feel his closeness. His presence is nonexistent.

We are spinning faster as time passes by. And after a few moments, we we’re like the wind – weightless, happy and free. It feels great!

But then I opened my eyes. I first saw the sky going around and around and around as if there’s never going to be tomorrow. I smiled, seeing the beauty of it. And then I looked at him. But the moment I caught his eyes, I suddenly felt everything- every single thing there is to feel. I fixed my eyes on him, and it was heavy, too heavy to carry. I slowed down my pace for I feel something weighing me down. Then all of the sudden, without even thinking about it, I let go.

It ended. I know I have fallen onto the ground. I never moved, for I know that I’ll soon enter the painful reality. I feel my tears slowly crawling on my cheeks. I opened my mouth to scream, but only a sudden whisper came out- a painful whisper…

“He’s gone…”

The fire fades away

Most of everyday

Is full of tired excuses

But it's to hard to say

I wish it were simple

But we give up easily

You're close enough to see that

You're the other side of the world to me ...

bed...

2007-11-03T13:42:00.000+08:00

(well, it's a little bit "mature", but heck, not much of a big deal! hehehe...it is just a story that came out of my freaking brain for no reason at all..so pardon me if some may get offended..)

I remember feeling the warm rays of the sun on my face the moment I woke up. I tried to stand up but then felt my brain throbbing as if there’s a drum being played inside it. I closed my eyes again and tried to sleep, but the sun’s rays seem to be very determined to keep me awake as it easily escape through the small opening between those think curtains.

I lie on my back thinking of what had happened last night that had caused this headache. I closed my eyes again while giving my head a light massage to at least make it feel a little better. Have I had too much to drink? I mean, I know where my friends and I had been last night. I am very much aware of what I am doing. But then it hit me. I opened my eyes again and looked around-I was not in my room.

I stood up with much effort not to fall for everything seems to be turning the moment I seated myself up. I looked around, dark room, clothes scattered everywhere, empty liquor bottles, and, yes, just what I have been dreading- on the bed, a woman fast asleep under the blanket.

I don’t know what to do. I had exceeded my limitations of being a person. My heart was beating hard, as if it will come out of my chest anytime soon. I just stood there, looking at her, confused with so much emotions building inside me. I put on my clothes, wanting to run away from this mess. Should I even run away?

I was already on the door when I looked back to get a better look at her face. I don’t know what really happened, but it stopped me from leaving. I walked back towards the bed and sat on it. I can’t take my gaze off of her, I just can’t. The room was a little brighter since the sun has completely risen. Her face is just stunning, and though her eyes were closed I know it’s beautiful, I remember seeing and admiring it so much. Her black hair that extends to her naked back makes her more beautiful. I watched her breathe as she continues to sleep peacefully. I know that I should be leaving, but something made me stop, something in her made me feel happy. And, instead of leaving, without taking my eyes off her, I lie down again. It was a completely different way to find love. I know she might leave, but I still held her hand, with the hopes of this not ending anytime soon. Then I closed my eyes…

crashing down...

2007-10-29T22:25:00.000+08:00

Raining Fireworks by =couleur on deviant ART

Lights flashed in different colors on Tegan’s eyes as she watches the fireworks display from the coast of the city. It has always been her dream to do such thing as she let her time to go pass by without a single worry to think of. She held her cup of coffee tight in her hands as though it is the only way to keep her from reality and in this dream for the longest time possible. No posthumous fragments of the memory she had tried to forget, no future to think of, just now, the present wherein a jolt of happiness has filled her for the first time in about six months. And although she had tried her best not to cry, tears were still able to escape from the grip of her bright blue eyes.

She has crashed down, with not a single idea on where to start again or how to be whole again. There has been so much in her mind that she had decided to ran away for a while and escape the feeling of being alone and completely deprived.

The fireworks continued as she tries to recall every single moment of her life for the past year. Yes, there are happy moments, people to love, people who love her, and things, just things that are enough to make her the happiest woman in the world. But then again, there is always something missing. Never had she realized it, not until, she had hit rock bottom and lost everything and everyone. And before that, all along, she had thought her life was perfect.

“Why spend this beautiful time alone?”

Tegan looked at her back and there loomed a man walking towards her.

“I mean, this is no place for someone like you to be alone.”

Tegan didn’t answer. She had never wanted to be disturbed in this precious moment of hers that she had been waiting for the longest time.

The man stood beside her. He is a tall dark man, in some rugged clothes, and also holding a cup of coffee in his hand.

“What do you want me to do?” replied Tegan as she wipes off her tears from her eyes, “I need this, I need to be alone.”

“Here.” Said the man then facing her and wiped her tears off with his handkerchief.

Tegan looked back and continue to admire the beautiful show in the sky and tried to ignore the man. And yet, she can’t stop thinking of what a perfect story this could be, if only loves this person. But, of course, how could she, she has no slightest idea who he is. Plus, he’s a complete opposite of her. She’s clean, with meticulous taste and well rounded. And he, he seems to enjoy the world by riding around at night and spending most of his hard earned money in useless stuff. He looks like he’s a type of person who’d run barefoot in the whole city just for fun.

“You know, it is really not advisable to spend you lowest point of life alone.” He said after sipping from his coffee

“What makes you thi-” Tegan is ready to argue with him but she stopped for the guy held out his hand towards her

“Here,” he said with a smile, “hold this, it’ll help.”

Tegan looked at the guy’s face and was very surprised to what she saw- a person who’d be there no matter who she is, or where she had been, a person so beautiful for no matter how he looked like outside he was still able to show warmth to someone from his deep emotions. She took the guys hand and held it tight. And for the first time she felt that she’s real. Started crying again for she know that she had found the missing piece of her life…

underage thinking...

2007-10-26T22:08:00.000+08:00

Coffee and Cigarettes by ~gruvistim on deviant ART

I always like my coffee black, with only a small amount of sugar, and a little milk for some creamy sensation. That’s one of my few outlets of stress, a laid back moment, some smooth music and a good book to read. That’s my world, not a single strand of chaos should enter it, or some smoky place that would entrance you to some endless dancing and screaming.

Yep, that’s me, someone who doesn’t like much chaos in his life. Well, that’s what I just realized some three hours ago. So I guess, no matter how much I have tried to go with the cool music being played, it will never be my world.

And now, I am back here, fronting the computer listening to some slow music with my cup coffee feeling much relieved unlike a while ago, full of worries on how to survive the non-stop dancing of people getting wild and not to catch the smell of their cigars (unfortunately I failed, I smell like an ashtray, and hopefully my parents won’t notice it…hehehe).

I am well off silent, enjoying the cool breeze in our balcony or the cute music of some bossa nova-ish sounds in some cafés. No letting go and throwing caution in the air. Knowing that there’s no trouble coming towards me without such warning is enough for me. No other people, just myself, or if ever, I am with my closest friends sharing life, secrets and experiences.

I wouldn’t endure such noise to just let myself loose again. And though I sound a little bit nerdy, geeky, or dead, it wouldn’t matter anymore, at least I can very much express myself and most importantly, be myself….

finding the things to say...

2007-10-23T20:12:00.000+08:00

After experiencing one whole semester in hell due to relentless sleepless nights and crappy frustrations, I have realized that I lost my proper sense of expressing myself. I guess it is because I barely have enough time to have some stroll without thinking of how to solve problems, relax my mind or even open a book and finish it without destroying my whole schedule.

It’s been a complete struggle, and though it has been almost a week since our vacation started, I am still having a hard time to find the right words to make complete sense of things that I want to say. I guess, even though all my accounting books are already neatly placed in one corner of my room and will not be opened until early next month, I still am trapped in the freaking world of “responsibility”…

to my surprise a while ago, I involuntarily made a schedule for the whole week, took down some reminders on how to survive another month of book keeping to prevent myself from being fired (regular na pala ako according to my uncle!hahaha), and made a list of things to be done before the break ends…I am finding it really hard to adjust from being busy to having more than enough time to complete a week’s worth of work in a day. But I really am hoping to have those expressing mojos back again. But even though I am missing my busy life, I am so thankful God created sembreak!

just being there...

2007-10-22T20:20:00.000+08:00

I always fret the day when a friend of mine would come to me, tell me their biggest problem in the world and then expect the greatest enlightenment from me. But all I can do is just stare at him and tell him that life’s like that and all they have to do is just deal with the fucking life.

Like I said in my previous post, I prevent, that’s the only thing that I can do. So I haven’t got any slightest ideas on how to be able to survive a serious heartache, a freaking consequence from irresponsible drinking, a crappy friend, or even a mistake done with complete consciousness.

You might think that I am such a selfish weirdo who just can’t give some damn crazy whatever. But here the thing, I am trying, I am so fucking trying to think of things to say that might help you get your life and move on…

So don’t get all mad at me when I get all speechless and kind of avoid you when you are forcing me to say something to just make you feel better, because that’s not my thing…all I can do is, be there and tell you “ikaw kasi eh”

It found me to hold me
But I don't like it at all
Won't feed it,
Won't grow it
It's folded in my stomach;
It's not fair,
I found love;
It made me say that.
Get back,
You'll never see daylight;
If I'm not strong it just might.

the magic that wasn't there...

2007-10-16T18:05:00.000+08:00

Can one thing be so perfect – a thing so magical that you have forgotten to see things and realize what’s deeper and much clear? Can one moment be so great that you never really know what’s more or less? I don’t really know. Maybe…

But I guess there are times that we just want to stay it the way it is. No other added stories to make it complicated, just those laughs, those moments together, those simple glimpse that you thought will never end. I guess it will be harder if it’s anything other than something simple.

Sometimes it is really hard to let it all go, yet in the end you have no choice, but to simply turn your back and walk away. I don’t really know why the hell I am writing this or even thinking something so beyond my emotional comprehension. But what if, both of you are there? Just waiting for some sort of fairy tale ending that will definitely change the course of time, life and whatever is in front of you.

It really is very tough to deal with all these circumstances of risking and trying to find whatever you have missed in the right place, or even trying to catch the painful crash of those feeling that seem to blur your sight…

Was there really magic in this kind of story, or simply the reality of it being so complex and beyond reality?

unexpressed...

2007-10-11T18:33:00.000+08:00

Words-sometimes words cannot be enough to express everything in you. And what’s more unfortunate is that sometimes, even something as beautiful as music cannot substitute for the tears you want to shed. And what’s worse, you are left with moments- some silent point in time wherein you are left motionless and stunned, without any idea on what the hell to do to be able to move on.

Dusk, I think that’s the best way to describe this feeling. For it shows a hanging time-a struggle between two different dimensions. It gives a mixture of anticipation, depression and relief. A degree wherein you try to appreciate the place on where you are no matter how hard it is, and at the same time you are yearning to go back to the start where in there aren’t any complications, just the basics. But the thing is it’s too late to go back.

And again, that’s one thing. We are sometimes so used on things being so complicated that we forget to just go back to the basic. But how are we going to go back? Everyday we are sent out to a journey wherein we are taught of complexities and perplexities to the point that we are numb and incapable to regaining control of time and live. And then, everything around us is technical.

As I watch the sunset and the lights slowly being turned on as the night take over. I realized that I have been out of control. My grasp for what I have been working hard for had slipped away. And now, in this moment, there are neither words nor music, just this moment. And though it’s far from being a trance, I am motionless, and struggling to have an idea on how to move on…

damned...

2007-10-07T20:29:00.000+08:00

Well, it is happening again, as if it is bound to happen. 12 midnight, awake, not a single sign of drowsiness, just full of stress, numbers, cramming, and computations. I can’t believe how fast time is…I can barely follow through the pacing of the world. Well, at least I am doing a better job than last semester, which apparently blew me into pieces.

Now I am again, awake, but unlike before, struggling with multi-tasking. I am fronting the computer, trying to find a way on how to write and layout my freaking project, while thinking of the fastest possible way to solve problems in accounting and then prioritizing the hellish job of mine. Good thing my “boss/uncle” told me that to worry about my studies first before his “books”, well, good for me.

radio…waaah! I am freakishly obsessed with radio(well, I just found out)..I don’t really know why, but no matter how "in" mp3 players are, I just can’t let go of my radio…I need it badly! That’s why I am still hanging on this old phone of mine because of its radio function…I think it’s my only way in knowing what’s new, what’s happening in this world and whatever…

messy…yes, my room is messy again and the thing is, it’s not just my room, I had conquered our living room and dining room because of the huge of numbers of books that I have, from novels to textbooks…all grouped in subjects, usefulness, difficulty and beauty(for my novels..) placed in an organized way, open in pages where I last left it and ready for reading…

I can’t wait for sembreak! Which is in about two weeks!

blabbery!

2007-10-02T20:23:00.000+08:00

I am feeling blabbery today/tonight. I mean I just want to type and talk without pause about things that are very much senseless to every freaking human being in the world so pardon me for posting this junk

Damn I guess this is how I am coping up with all the frustrations disappointment depressions and infatuations in life Crap everyday seems a complete struggle for me Yep every minute seems a fight against complete meltdown nervous breakdown schizophrenia stress and megalomania Thank God I am still alive at this very moment – whew! no stopping! Gotta catch my breath!

Yep, after everything that I have been through, I am very glad that I have never been diagnosed with some mental illness. Yep, after some repetitive reading of my accounting book, relentless answering of problem and continuous thinking of PFRS (woah sosyal! PFRS!!!), I guess it some miracle that I am still normal- I hope.

Where are those tequila shots when you need them!! drinking coffee is getting boring..and tea starts to taste like what it should be in the first place-GRASS! Gawd..I can’t wait ‘til I am legal! I am so gonna drink everything there is to drink just to forget this freaking clutters in my head.

When it come to frustrations! All I can say is: what the hell is going on!!? I mean, I have neglected two subjects and no matter how much I have been trying to regain control over it, it seems like one of it really has to be some sacrificial thingie! Well, I am so not gonna let myself fail!

And how about depressions!? Fu*k! I need to be happy! I need anti depressants! Waaah! That is why I made some secret dream…and that is to be a barista in starbucks..because..they seems to be very very very very very very happy not matter what..doing all those barista jobs..yeah..

Infatuation!!?oh my god!!! I don’t know what has gotten into me!!!! I mean, yeah! I am some normal teenage guy who has hormones that can pretty much mess up things! But, damn…it really is hard to concentrate!! Especially when she’s in your accounting class! Goodness!

Okay..this is getting to much! I can’t stop anymore…haayyy…breathe…I am gonna stop na! I am going to turn off this computer and go to sleep! Think about all these things tomorrow…

just an ordinary rainy day...

2007-10-01T12:18:00.000+08:00

How could just one note, a single stroke, the simplest sound be of so much impact to one person? And when you thought that doing just about everything is the answer, the questions would simply twist everything. And before you know it, you’re back in phase one.

Sometimes you just need someone to talk to, so that you can hear yourself-not them. Because sometimes, hearing yourself would simply give every reason in the world to fight back and be stronger.

And then the worst happened. You realize, at some point, what you need to hold you back is the one thing that you have been trying to let go of for the longest time.

I think no one really is fine. For if there is so much to think about in one day, what would give a person the reason to be better. And, yes, there is simply too much-to take, to muster, to think of, to solve, to write, to see, to sing and most especially to fight for.

And when it ends-when the day ends, what else would be left for you, just an ordinary rainy day or better yet, a bitter song? But what really matters is that after looking out the window, thinking that those droplets of rain are your tears and the same time writing your bitterest song, you still have the energy, the strength, and the will to see the next daylight.

ocean of strangers...

2007-09-21T18:48:00.000+08:00

Burns-scars-vile; I can’t seem to think of other words to relate what I have been seeing through my eyes for the past 23 hours. It’s utterly jarring to just let it all in. It’s the same feeling as walking through an ocean of strangers; going against their current as they look at you disapprovingly for facing them and not following what they thought is the right way for complete deliverance. Maybe if I look back into their eyes and see through it, then they will realize that it’s doesn’t really matter.

It’s the complete strangeness of strangers that had made me afraid to sit down with them and talk to them and follow their paths to “nowhere-ness”. Not even a simple smile can work for them.

I don’t really know. But isn’t it too much to just be an open door and let everybody in without caution. I can’t really argue more, but maybe at some point it is very much better than blocking even the slightest opening in you. Because at some time not so futuristic from this moment you will realize that you haven’t really protected yourself from the strangeness of everybody. You just made things a lot worse by trapping yourself in and simply let all the strangeness in you devour you alive into what stranger think of as, again, “nowhere-ness” (I like this term! J But there’s no such thing in the dictionary).

Maybe every episode of those passing moments in the ocean of strangers can be as liberating as running naked in an avenue. But the difference is...it’s a struggle to sail across that ocean and against it. For every moment you pass by it, you loose something more important than the one you want on the other side….

drowning on dry land...

2007-09-19T18:15:00.000+08:00

This morning I was forced to walk in the rain. Well, I thought it would be fun, but the moment I got in our classroom and felt a sudden chill and dizziness I have completely regretted what I have done. Then it came to me, it had reminded me of something that I had been trying to deal with for about a month, and now, it has been larger since I last left it hanging in me.

It has been, what, about a year since I last thought of things to be so disappointing. For I think no matter how things suck sometimes, it would be much better to just deal with it the best way you can and continue doing the things you are supposed to do.

But I guess, when things stunned you and caught you off guard, it will continuously flow in. And no matter how you try to fill yourself with other stuffs to think of and do, you cannot escape the jarring bothersome feeling of being somewhat somehow affected.

I prevent. That’s one of the best things that I can do. Learn from other people’s views and past experiences and try not to let it happen to me. It’s one whole game plan. Prevent things from happening. For I know, when it happens, I will never ever know what to do.

It’s a perfect game plan because right now, none of what I thought will completely dissipate me is not happening to me. But what’s harder is, it is happening to people I know. And seeing them kinda fluctuate or even falter makes it even worse that I have expected. And the thing is I don’t even know what to say to them. It is as if, it would be best to just stay silent and let it just sink in and do nothing…

But would it be more tragic if I did nothing? Well, I don’t know…

somewhere only we know...(hope you'll like it!)

2007-09-18T17:39:00.000+08:00

story inspired by the cd na bigay ni chezka!! kaya ginawa kong girl yung narrator..kasi si chezka yun!!

I opened my eyes and realized that the sun had finally set. The purplish sky is slowly turning black as the stars emerge in the infinite space of nothingness. I don’t really know how long had I been here, lying in the field, thinking of the deep irony of sad truths.

How could things just end up this way? I keep asking to myself. I can still feel his presence beside me. His very heartbeat that I once thought had existed for just one reason-me. Clearly there are just too much and yet, still, time is naught.

I move my fingers to feel his warm hand beside mine. How such move could bring so many words in my lips, and yet, none of those seem to escape my soul. Moments, that is all what is left in this time. And no matter how much I have tried to grasp harder, there seems to be something stronger than what I have been feeling inside.

Moments-just moments; No music, no tears, no smiles, not even a deep breath can measure this times. Could I ever survive this? I want to hold his hand for the very last time. To trace every moment of happiness as his hand perfectly fits mine. To feel his warmth inside me, feeding my very spirit and taking me into a deep trance.

It is just too hard to stand up, and face everything alone again. I wanted to close my eyes again to fill myself with darkness again, to be numb again, and to have this falling feeling again in me.

“I should go.” He said in a blank tone

I wanted to stop him. Pull him back, and have him again. But I know there’s nothing much to do, but to let all these tears flow endlessly and indefinitely. No voice can pull me back into being whole again.

“Yes, you should go.” I replied.

I close my eyes. There is nothing left for me to say now. I want to stand up, follow him, stop the time, and remain with him. But no matter how painful this is, I can’t see any reason to do so anymore. I guess this is what really life is, a feeling so painful that reminds you of how human you are, how vulnerable you are and how real everything is.

just bought myself a toy!!!

2007-09-10T18:19:00.000+08:00

wala lang! just brining back those days na everything seems to revolve around toys toys and nothing more but TOYS!!!WOHOO!

transformers!!!

I want one! I want one!

2007-09-04T13:57:00.000+08:00

like the flowing river - Paolo Coelho
post secret : the secret live os men and women - frank warrenyou can go to this site to see some of the secrets postsecret
Been buying books lately since there's this massive sale at national bookstore...but still I can't buy this two books that I've been wanting for months!!!!waaah!

no time to post!

2007-09-03T20:01:00.001+08:00

Living life's formalities...crap I am so tired..

where do we go from here?

2007-08-29T14:42:00.000+08:00

Stuck in prospective

I have found no aim

Clearly we have no sense

In this twisted game

Where do we go from here?

Undermined by tears

Of our breathless fears

Where do we go from here?

Where did we take off?

Feeling only joy

Going to what is vague

Filled with endless coy

Where do we go from here?

Thinking of my dear

Taking what’s clear

Where do we go from here?

If there had been time

Do we have to play?

Still seeing what is beyond

Let’s just end this day

Where do we go from here?

Where do I go from here?

where do we go from here? by ~ender on deviant ART

learning what to say..

2007-08-28T09:17:00.000+08:00

Story of Long Life and Death by *angelreich on deviant ART

Take me to the place

That you have taken away

Of love and solace

Tell me the poem

That remembers no song

For it kisses away my long

If there’s nothing to ask

Why didn’t it last?

Why did it happen so fast?

If I were to count

Recalling my doubts

I crumble…

I try to find a way

Again, I crumble...

For there’s no reason to stay

silent whispers...

2007-08-25T23:55:00.000+08:00

It was when I lit a candle and watch it burn down when I realized that I really don’t have to scream out loud and shed so much tears just to let everything out. Because no matter how heavy the burden that I am carrying, it seems to float just float away.

looking out for you... by *Zendar on deviant ART

I don’t really go to churches alone, I mean, I am always with my family whenever I go there. And last Thursday was the first time I entered one without anyone with me. I sat on one of the many long benches and look at some nothingness there while thinking of all the things that I am going through. Some says it’s shallow or something, but heck, it’s the only thing that I am concentrating on, it’s the only thing that I am living for as of the moment. So why not make a big deal out of it? It is simply crazy, but that just the way it is.

Left prayers by *OnVee1 on deviant ART

I never really thought of, me going in a church spontaneously and then just stay there, feel the presence of the emotions that are washing over me. I guess, though my eyes aren’t close and I am not kneeling down, I am saying a prayer. Simply thanking of having such place to run to whenever there is too much chaos in my mind. Yeah, and I know that is the reason why there are so many people in that church even though at that time everyone is supposedly busy doing their works or studying. It is the only refuge one’s soul can run to at times when there’s just something too much to take.

There is so much to captivate in a church, may you have a reason for going there or not, the silence of the whole place is something to appreciate. The gift of having some sweet reverie of the momentary stillness of time is too beautiful to ignore. And in the end, faith is all you need as you watch those prayers in your heart to float away with the candle’s silent whispers.

drowning...

2007-08-20T19:47:00.000+08:00

“Pointless” that is what my friend said after telling her how I felt after staying under the pool for about a minute.

drowning by ~spaaaaaacecadet on deviant ART

Well, it is kinda crazy, but I think it worked for me. It’s one of the many things that I had ever wanted to feel. You know, the feeling of being so weightless, so light, that no matter how much you wanted to be down you just keep on floating like a wandering soul waiting for its time to be consumed by something far better than the limbo. It is such bliss for me to hear all those screams and laughs that seem so distant from me. Yes, that is how I wanted to feel for some time, to be far away, to wander around and to feel no burden inside me, but just like any slap on the face, fate had already written it for so long that you have no choice but to rise up again and face all those people enjoying the time of their lives with a smile.

I guess, at some point of one’s happiness, a person still yearns to have this momentary stillness that, even though, it is more that enough he would still wish for it to be longer. But the thing is, wanting it too much is so foolish, because when you had too much bliss of comfort you will end up falling with a loud painful thud at the end.

I want to be weightless, at some give time, because right now I would just want to realize that this reality I am living in is much better than any other thing that consists of being whole and without any stress…

Our times...

2007-08-18T21:05:00.000+08:00

waah! first time to use the phrase "our love" in my poem...

reminder : I was never in love...

time by ~Vive-Le-Rock on deviant ART

Will you sing it to me again?

Those words, unrelenting

Giving no chances in our time

Clearly, it was never too late

To move on against me

Against life and against our fate

Will it ever be close to you?

For me to just let go-

For you to completely undo;

Will it kill the very moment?

To stop the move of time

To take everything what's mine

Just to prolong what our love once meant…

vacation!

2007-08-17T09:07:00.000+08:00

I don’t know if I ought to call this two-day vacation a blessing or yet another hidden torment in my school life, since it will prolongs my trepidation regarding my studies. Well, at least, yesterday I was able to hang out with some of my close friends!

Hanging out!

I had so much fun! I think it was summer since I last fooled around, talked and laughed hard with my friends. Oh how I miss them so much!

having fun with the costumes in the studio

more costumes!

cat's pictorial for her debut!

Accountancy…

I really don’t know why the heck I keep blogging about this weirded part of my life. I think it is because this is what is currently taking over my life. And as our midterm approaches, I am giving myself lesser time for leisure and other stuffs and more time reading, solving problems, and trying to understand the momentum of whatsoever is in the assets stuffs of a business entity (okay I don’t need anyone to understand that part… I don’t either).

Norah Jones…

I’ve been a little fan of Norah Jones lately. It helps me to relax a little bit. I listen to her songs whenever I take breaks from reviewing, before going to sleep and even the moment I wake up. I like listening to her songs! Especially “come away with me” it makes me want to just take off with my imaginary convertible car, go to our province, enjoy the warm rays of the sun, feel the cool breeze of the sea while listening to it’s utterly soft songs created by it waves, and then fill myself up with my favorite food, crabs, and not minding how red I will look for the next few hours because of allergic reaction.

Life of a haggard...

2007-08-14T18:59:00.000+08:00

“Were you able to do out assignment in inventories?” asked my classmate the moment I entered our classroom.

All I did was sit beside her, look at the board and try to recall what the heck inventories had to do with my life?

“Were you able to answer our assignment in accounting?” she asked again, almost screaming at me

Then it hit me, I have lost everything I have tried to fit in my brain last night. I then took out two pages of battered yellow pad and handed it to her. Out of the almost 20 questions I was able to answer about 7 items only.

It had been a very very jittery morning for me- a very tiring one, rather. After realizing that I only have about a week to study for our midterm departmental exams the night before, all I was able to do was, try to fit everything in my not so full schedule and continuously thinking of things and ways on how I am going to survive this very very hard part of my semi-charmed college life. Good thing I am already used in being awake all night to study until around 5am and then asleep at 1pm ‘til around 6 in the evening (this is very helpful to me since it is easier to concentrate at night).

Well, a while ago, our professor (I will soon write a book about him, together with a compilation of his quotations..wahahaha) wrapped up our lessons for the first half of this semester. I can’t explain the joy I am feeling to know that all I have to worry about are seven chapters in our very thick book. Plus it is a huge relief to know that there’s nothing to study in advance for a moment and all the efforts are to be exerted for reviews.

Waah! I do hope everything falls into its proper place. I can’t imagine how I will look after this adventure, but I know haggardness will surely be in for me. Waah! Hopefully I will look normal in my friend’s debut since it is in between my departmental exams and non-departmental exams…

my highlights for today..

bought brain foods (peanut butter; can't eat peanut alone) and fresh milk
stalked a former friend (hehehe...curious of how she's doing)
dreamt owning a CAR!
almost got run over by a taxi (it always happen! this is my nth life!)

all eyes...

2007-08-13T23:01:00.000+08:00

Nocturnal-Whisper stock-18 by ~NocturnalWhisper-St on deviant ART

He would open his eyes to see the setting of the sun-there’s no rhythm. Silence, maybe. For as he slowly lifts his feet to dance, he can barely remembers the last embrace of the words that had took him away from the noise made by the past. Had I been the witness of his paradox-maybe? But there’s no timing slow enough to move along with him, not even the slightest momentum to pull him back from his strong delirium.

He would look up the darkening sky, the colors reflecting the lights that flash back in him. He would whisper the faint chants to move back, maybe, to take off the regrets he is feeling inside. No matter how much he had moved forward his eyes still contours what seems to be a part where everyone doesn’t want to let go of. There were no colors to reveal his melancholy, for as he passed through the deepest abyss he would simply fade out. I can see he had run out of memories to fulfill and dreams to remember.

Maybe it’s the scent? The addictive and distinctive scent of losing what was way beyond any paradigm. It’s was all make believe. For as I watch him close his eyes and fall back there is nothing to remember him of, nothing to sought after. For now, he had been a phantom…

self destruct..

2007-08-11T18:02:00.000+08:00

Mr. Self Destruct by ~teruus on deviant ART

I was feeing under the weather for the few days, and all that I was able to do in my free time is lie on my bed, listen to my radio, and imagine things that I think will trigger some self-destruct button in me.

It’s crazy to think that there is so much in me that is frail, as of the moment, and all it takes for me to explode into pieces is just a wrong move. But that, for me, is one of the greatest messes in one’s life. Because, at some point, you know that doing something beyond the line can cause so much destruction and yet you still do it. It’s something so enticing, something you just can’t ignore, something you just have to bite into. I guess this is how I live my 17-year-old life. It’s a complete balance of seriousness and wildness. It’s like knowing what direction you should take but once in a while, you would try to get lost and follow whatever you are feeling to do so and discover another world beyond the rules and then using your brain to get back on the right way. Some may think it’s dangerous, it’s insane, and it’s simply evil, but I think there’s a huge difference between experiencing something and going beyond your limitations (wow I think this is another lame excuse for me to drink! But I am done with it na!).

I am very sure that the game that I am playing is painful and dangerous but I would rather live like this with so much caution, knowing which lines to cross and not, rather that isolating myself from all the evil that surrounds me and making myself more vulnerable to the bites of reality. It’s a matter of knowing your limitation, right?……ü

rain dance...

2007-08-08T18:15:00.000+08:00

A fun day:

been humming old songs

went to school

ate 2 sundaes from Mcdo

crossed many deep floods

and drenched myself with so much alcohol(ang kati kasi nung baha)...

My Favorite Rainy Day song!

Now the parking lot is empty

Everyone's gone someplace

I pick you up and in the trunk

I've packedA cooler and a 2-day suitcase

Cause there's a place we like to drive

Way out in the country

Five miles out of the city limit we're singing

And your hand's upon my knee

So we're okay

We're fine

Baby I'm here to stop your crying

Chase all the ghosts from your head

I'm stronger than the monster beneath your bed

Smarter than the tricks played on your heart

We'll look at them together then we'll take them apart

Adding up the total of a love that's true

Multiply life by the power of two

You know the things that

I am afraid ofI'm not afraid to tell

And if we ever leave a legacy

It's that we loved each other well

Cause I've seen the shadows of so many people

Trying on the treasures of youth

But a road that fancy and fast

Ends in a fatal crash

And I'm glad we got off

To tell you the truth

All the shiny little trinkets of temptation

(Make new friends)

Something new instead of something old

(But keep the old)

All you gotta do is scratch beneath the surface

(But remember what is gold)

And it's fools gold

(What is gold)

Fools gold

(What is gold)

Fools gold

Now we're talking about a difficult thing

And your eyes are getting wet

I took us for better and I took us for worse

Don't you ever forget it

Now the steel bars between me and a promise

Suddenly bend with ease

The closer I'm bound in love to you

The closer I am to free

So we're okay

We're fine

Baby I'm here to stop your crying

Chase all the ghosts from your head

I'm stronger than the monster beneath your bed

Smarter than the tricks played on your heart

We'll look at them together then we'll take them apart

Adding up the total of a love that's true...

Multiply life by the power of two

on stage...

2007-08-06T22:00:00.000+08:00

You open your eyes, the curtains roll back, you hear the music play, and the spot light is on you. Strings attached- you move as the hand above you moves along the sound. You sing, dance, laugh, cry, and every now and then you get surprised by some twist that you never knew existed until it happened.

Life is, for me, is like a huge play- a musical, an act or even worse, a puppet show. One thing in common, though, everything is planned ahead. There’s a script, a story, or at least, a faint glimpse of what to do. You know what song to sing at that moment. You know when to scream your lungs out, when to jump around, or even fool around. You know you will meet other characters, though you don’t really know them, you are ready to meet such people. You know at some point, you have to put a mask, try to cover what you really are feeling. For as people watch you run along and act along the beautifully written tale of yours, you learn to accept that you have to please everybody.

But the greatest irony of it, my most hated part, is the big things. It happens in any part of the play- it just happens. It’s when you thought you have everything pinned down for good but to your surprise it has pinned you down instead. It is when all of the sudden you realize that there is no music to play anymore, no song to sing, no story to follow, and no strings attached to guide you. It’s when you find out that it’s all about you; it’s all about your song, your story, and your own strings. It is when you have to write your own script-everyday a blank page waiting to be filled up by no one else but you. It’s when it doesn’t really matter if you have a face sans mask, for you won’t care about others anymore, because you have to think of yourself first. It’s when you can’t just sleep at night, trying to muster all your strength to get yourself through it. It’s when, all you ever wanted to do is not an arms reach, but rather, an ocean, on which you are trying to build a bridge to get over with.

In the end, it’s all up to you. In the end, you are to define everything. And in the end, it’s your choice if that play will have a happy ending.

A vampire's midnight ode...

2007-08-04T17:03:00.000+08:00

On which shall I fall
Behind the moonlight’s toll
Of the free flowing
With the blood’s new awe

Drenched by the midnight song
I bid life so long
For in darkness I bask
There’s nothing more I can ask

No sweet reverie of the day
From the distant pleasure of May
I stand within no fear of the way
For fear has nothing to pay

I breathe life’s immortality
An inch away from heartbreak
Crazed to face fatality
And created to live yet to take…

weekly psycho babble...

2007-08-03T20:12:00.000+08:00

This week for me is kinda weird, fun yet tiring. It is like a pointless, boring, everyday weirdness chronicle which contains such phrases: getting lost in EDSA, Vampire dreams, and three straight sleepless nights followed by two straight days of nothing but pure sleep.

Well, EDSA is my newest playground. If I want to fool around and escape the relentless pains and pressures of school, all I have to do is take a bus ride (I don’t like MRT! It will cause so much insanity to me!) to Galleria or Megamall!
It started when I was asked to claim something for my sister at Robinson’s Galleria. It’s kinda scary at first because of some people looking all bad and suspicious. Heck I was even approach by some stranger asking me to come with him because there’s some crime happened in somewhere (unfortunately I am not that stupid to come). Well, I had fun, so I won’t regret doing it all over again. And yes it happened last Wednesday when I was asked to run some errand at Megamall. Plus I get to eat Krispy Kreme (may free doughnut pa ako nung bumili ako!!) (try the new Hershey’s on Krispy Kreme! Waah! May dark chocolate flavor pa!)

It was Wednesday night when I found out that we no have classes the next day and on Friday! So after reviewing for three straight nights and getting almost no sleep! I decided to relax and read the book that I bought last week (Interview with the Vampire). I haven’t finished the book yet though, because every time I read it, I will suddenly fall asleep after an hour. So I ended up sleeping the whole Thursday and almost 2/3 of this Friday. Plus, whenever I sleep I only dream of one thing, the book that I am reading. But the thing is it is not scary, because in my dream, I am the Vampire!

Well, that pretty much wraps up my week…it’s weird though... And I think this post is one of the many psycho babbles that I just have to take out of my system…

fatality...

2007-07-31T13:44:00.000+08:00

Sometimes as I cross the very fatal highway to our school, I wonder. Of all the people in the world crossing this road, will there come a day when I will be one of those unfortunate people who will end his day without knowing his tragic story? I mean, will it ever occur to me, a momentary halt of time, a flashback of my life, and some weird unidentified feeling inside of me? Though I know that at some point of time it will be my choice. I can choose to take hold of the small wrinkle in time and act ahead to the fatality or I can just stand there, look at whatever is there and let everything end in a flat line, a silence that is not meant to be broken.

.silence is bronze. by ~cisya on deviant ART

There are nights when I would just lie down and look up at the nothingness above me (in short, ceiling), trying to figure out endless points that most of people are trying to prove. Sometimes there are just things that I can’t really understand. Maybe when I experience some heavy crash and burn, I can fully understand it? But for now, at some point, I would just grasp whatever is there within my reach, whether how hard it is or not.

What else could I really say? Sometimes I wish I would just disappear on the face of this world. Sometimes I just want to be empty, be weightless as a feather, to feel the lightness of life and when I felt the feeling of floating time or at least the freedom to fly away from here. Then maybe I could find at least peace for an hour.

Crazy it is for me to talk about so much nonsense in my life. Sometimes I just really want to be free from all this life’s greatest lessons and just be in some placid state of whatever…

back to business...

2007-07-30T13:14:00.000+08:00

Monday, 3 in the morning, under my blanket, awakened by the vibration of my phone; 50 messages received. Can my life be weirder, fifty messages, most of which came from people I don’t know? Well, it doesn’t really matter now, because when I rose from my bed I realized that this week is a road to hell. I must have dozed off, because the lights are still on, the door is open, and I wasn’t able to turn off my radio. I looked around my room and, there, I saw so many things that I haven’t taken care of: crumpled worksheets, laundered clothes that needs sorting, unpacked luggage, stuffs that I bought last Monday and was untouched ever since, a screwed up planner (need to buy a new one), receipts everywhere, piles of textbooks that was left open (so that I can access my lessons easily), index cards (my new notebook), bottles of C2, Pepsi, and mineral water.

My life is so messy and I think it will be a lot messier as time passes. I never thought of my room being so wasted on the early part of this semester. I guess I have been busy. But how could I be busy, when all I did this week is eat, get lost in EDSA, look for a TRANSFORMERS action figure, watch movies, and sleep? Then it came to me, I lost track of my stuffs!!! I looked at my screwed up planner and saw nothing written on the current week and the next week.

Damn, that is all I can say.

I wanted to clean my room but the thing is, as of the moment, it will be easier for me to find all the important stuffs that I place somewhere in the four corners of my room as long as I can remember where exactly I threw it (east, west, north or south). (For the record, I am so not proud of this)

I looked at my planner again and try to remember all the stuffs that I have to put in mind. Good thing, all of my quizzes are done last week, and I have no work for a month! So all I have to worry about is my studies and my father’s monthly tax report thing for the BIR. So I guess it is time for me to go back to the dirty business that I have escaped from last week. And, again, I am to bury my face into those thick books, stay up until two in the morning, drown myself with endless caffeine and try to understand the weirdness of accounting.

I yawned the moment I closed my planner. I looked at my clock and realized it was still 3:30am. So I took a post-it, write a reminder to fix my stuffs tomorrow, threw my planner somewhere east of my room (got to remember that!), and try to sleep again(Heck! I am going to make the most out of this sleep! Plus, I know that a long sleep like this is very rare so I have to grab the opportunity!)…… I am so going to be ready for my hell week!

overspending...

2007-07-28T14:22:00.000+08:00

I was on my way home from school when I realized that I only have 20 bucks left in my wallet! Good thing I have an extra 100 bucks that I keep in my bag in case of emergencies like this.

I can’t believe I overspent this week, and the bad part is I can’t even remember where and when did I spent that almost two weeks worth of allowance. I can’t believe I got carried away, again, in spending for things that aren’t even that important. I always remember my mom scolding me about spending too much and how money can’t be found just about anywhere.

It’s kind of a shame for me not to be able to trace all my expenses in a week, heck, I am an accounting, and one of my future jobs is to track all the expenses of a business entity, and clearly I have failed doing it now.

I can’t really explain why I spend so much on things that aren’t that necessary, I mean, I try checking my wallet for some receipts that might remind me of the things that I bought and here are some :

Two orders of California Maki from Tokyo Tokyo (my goodness, I think I know why I had allergies yesterday, so much for my cravings…)
One frap, two slices of cake and a cinnamon swirl (okay, I remember not being able to finish those…sheeesh)
100pesos worth of load (it’s the seller’s mistake so I decided to pay for it...I said 15 I don't know where on earth did she get the idea that I want 100pesos worth of load)

Waaah! I think I had a gluttonous week! I must learn to be thrifty! I can’t afford to overspend anymore!

rains...

2007-07-27T16:28:00.000+08:00

At last, I caught the rain as it falls on the ground. I love the rain, I love standing outside with my umbrella while listening to its soft dropping sound that seems like some lullaby to my soul. For me, rain is one of those sweet blessings from above that makes you realize that you are alive. It awakens my senses and gives a soft tap on my soul whenever it falls down onto my skin and the coldness that it brings reminds me of the warmth that I have in me, proving to me that I am real. Sometimes when it rains I would not open my umbrella I would just let it take over me, I would let it take me into some fantasy that would disguise my true emotions, it will hide the tears in my eyes yet it will wash off the pain and the sorrows I have in me. The rain is always a refuge for me, for it would make me stop for a moment and think of the happiest thoughts that I have. Every rain drop is a pensive of memory that will always be a mark in my heart. Every dripping sound it makes when it hits something will always send a spark of happiness in me.

Hard rain by `gilad on deviant ART

Rain is something big for me, it will always remind me of my friends and family and how I spend time with them, for they are very much my umbrella whenever a storm comes to my life, a sweet refuge from the coldness life can bring.

I can't escape the fury of the lord tears

It punishes me for simply living for all these years

Is there a lesson to be learned from this hard rain?

Do I deserve this, or is this god gone insane?

They say that the lord works in mysterious ways

If it's true, I seem to be having one of his bad days

I would like now for this rain to stop just for a while

Like god is still contemplating the sentence of my trial

(taken from 'gilad )

home...back home..

2007-07-26T14:36:00.000+08:00

After staying in my uncle’s house for about a week, doing nothing but watching television all day (some think it is fun, but I am not a TV person, I barely watch TV, except Grey’s Anatomy!), I am back home. I can’t explain how happy I am the moment I stepped in my home. And when my cute little doggie, Lucky, ran towards me I really felt that I am so home…

my doggie! lucky!

It is quite ironic for me to find it hard to adjust and adapt to some other houses and to be sane without my parents and siblings, because I always look forward to having my own place to live in and be independent (I am so excited to be independent). It’s not that I want to escape the tight rules of my parents or something, I am given enough freedom. I think it is because I just want to learn the reality of fighting life without really having someone do it for me. But, right now, I think I won’t be able to leave our house, I think I am so attached to everything that has got to do with our home. Plus I realized that I am not really ready to face the “no rule” kind of life that most of old people are experiencing, I think I am not really ready for such responsibility. It will be much harder for me to live without any rules to live by than doing whatever I want…I am still seventeen; I don’t want to fast forward everything for now…I just want to stay in my same old home and be there until I reach 50? Hehe…

"I mean, seriously. Don't be fooled by all the hot shoes and the great sex and the no parents anywhere telling you what to do. Adulthood is responsibility" - Merideth Grey (Grey's Anatomy)

just nothing...

2007-07-25T11:58:00.000+08:00

I really want to write about something but the reading marathon of Harry Potter has left my brain dry. Plus, not being at home for the past week is starting to get on me and making me more irritable than ever.

Well, in my Filipino subject we've been studying about stories...I so love reading and writing stories. It sends me some great feeling of bliss and accomplishment whenever I finish writing or reading one..that's why I really wanted to be a journalist, so that I can be able to tell the world the stories of many different people...

I think one of the many reasons that I want to be a journalist to be able to experience every emotions in one very very important happening...or at least witness it first hand...

I really don't know what to blog about...

Harry Potter fever...

2007-07-23T09:21:00.000+08:00

Well, I am here in one of the many scattered internet cafe near our school...Apparently our classes are suspended due to the President's SONA. Heck, it is kinda jarring! after all my effort to wake up so early in the morning and fight the hard battle of commuting I will end up standing in front of our school's main gate and looking at a piece of paper taped on it saying : "WALANG PASOK" written in some weird way!

Well, I don't want to think about it anymore...right now, all I want to think about the hottest book in the world, as of the moment, that I just bought yesterday! YEAH! HARRY POTPOT AND THE DEATHLY HOLLOWS!! WOHHHOO (so dork of me to do that)...well, I never really planned of buying it..Heck I didn't even went to the mall just to avoid the stress that I will get from the excited people getting the copy book seven! but but but! when my family and I went to the mall yesterday (SUNDAY), I just can't resist it! it is calling me! tempting me to hold it and draw it close to me! yeah, one of the last to copies availabe in the mall has my name on it, and I can't just let anyone take it away from me! so I bought it! thanks to my sister who lend me some money for the book! heheheheheh

I don't want to give out any hints or whatever cause I know most people are busy doing their stuffs but I would like to comment on one thing! : "Why is it that all my favorite characters end up dead in the story!!!waah!"

a scent that reminds...

2007-07-21T15:45:00.001+08:00

They say that the sense of smell has the greatest power to recall a memory, and ever since I heard that I try to pick up a scent from one memorable place or event. Yes, it’s kinda weird but I am investing on it because we’ll never know if it’s true or not unless it’s right at front of you.

Well, yesterday, it happened, a perfect recollection of a scent that reminds me of a bittersweet memory. Yes, a reminiscent from a pleasant smell that sends me right back in time whether I like it or not. And no matter how much I try to avoid it, it seems to follow me wherever I go, it seems inevitable. I don’t want to think about it right now, or even get reminded by the slightest thing involved with it.

…I close my eyes as the sweet scent of chamomile and rose take over me, I close my eyes breathe deep and before I knew it, I am back. Back to a dreaded time, yet remained perfectly still leaving a mark in my mind that won’t simply go. I can still see her face. Her deep hazel eyes gleaming with great beauty. A perfectly crafted smile curved by her emotions. It was once us, but as time passes, it will only be remembered with just once upon a time…

dreams...

2007-07-19T12:30:00.000+08:00

It has come to my senses that dreams are one of the many evils in this world. For if you are unfortunate enough, it will leave you hanging on the edge of the cliff...

midnight dreams by ~andrebernardo on deviant ART

It is an empty river leading you somewhere blurry...the more clear your dream is, the more vague everything will be...

Dreaming is like a free fall, disguised by some mystery with the thought of it being one of the most memorable experience you can have. As you fall, you close your eyes, feeling every bliss that it sends to your body inch by inch...

Free Fall by ~Quiky on deviant ART

but in reality, as you fall, you don't close your eyes. You will see everything that passes you, the light, the time, the tide and the pain...and seconds before you hit the ground, it's when you are going to close your eyes, pass out until what is left is a huge thud and a flat tone...

Free Fallin by `gilad on deviant ART

(If I dream...and I fall...will anyone catch me..?)

2am Rants...

2007-07-17T20:00:00.000+08:00

2am…still up and jittery, studying since 8pm, drank 4 cups of tea and counting, answered most of the problems in our assignment and soon I will be moving on to the practical applications of our current lesson. Am I going to be like this for the next 3 years? Or worse, oh my gosh, will it be worse?!! What about work?! So much for my social life!

Accounting, who would’ve thought of it being very very very HARD! (I can’t believe I let my family talked me into this life…). Now, I sit here in our quiet dining room looking around, trying to avoid the numbers and theories of every single thing that involves accounting. But I have no choice. I have to bury my face into those thick books written by some “accounting gods”, ignoring the screams and shout of my brain pleading for me to give him some break from analyzing something beyond human comprehension.

I think accounting can bring so much drama in ones life, a little bit of tragedy and a handful of comedy. It’s like a huge TV series, consisting of so many characters crazed by the sacred course, accounting. Well, if it is going to be like that, hopefully, the TV series that I am living in is like Grey’s Anatomy and my character’s story is like Dr. Isabel Stevens. Waah! Will it be like hers? Will I find love in accounting? Will I loose that person from some grave mistake that Ii will do? And when she dies will I inherit 8.7 million dollars??!!!! If I have that huge amount of money, I won’t study anymore! hehehe…right now, I would like to put up our Christmas tree and lie under it since ,I think it’s, the only place fun and peaceful as of the moment…. crap, I just realized that it’s the caffeine talking, not me… (I think tea and tequilla have the same effect if drank without moderation)

I have to sleep..I have to sleep…have to wake up at 5am for school…sleep..sleep…

Movies and more movies!

2007-07-16T15:28:00.000+08:00

I decided to watch the, said-to-be, two biggest movies released as of the moment, Harry Potter and Transformers. Both gave me some very very strong hang over that until I got home I can’t stop recalling and replaying it in my head.

Harry Potter sent me some chills crawling up to my spine. Especially the kissing scene, I mean…too young for a kissing scene!!!(Harry, not Daniel) plus, because of it other girls want to kill Katie Leung( and in that list of girls is my friend, Faye)…I even heard groans from every corner of the cinema when it happened!

the kiss

the kisser (looking oh so innocent)

the potential killer(looking not so innocent)

Then to make things worse, I saw the death of my favorite character, Sirius Black! I swear I want to cry!!! As if reading it in the book is not enough they decided to make it in a detailed and slow motioned scene….

I cant believe he's dead!! :'(

Well, we just got to move on…I really like how Bellatrix Lestrange and Luna Lovegood was acted! I am crushing on them both!! Hehee (blush)…Umbrige was, also,well acted! She really is some weird OC social climber witch punishable by the centaurs..hehe

Luna Lovegood! looking so lovely!

Bellatrix Lestrange acting so feisty!

uhmm... Umbrige

TRANSFORMERS! On the other hand left me with my mouth hanging open and lungs gasping for air!! It is so GRREEAAT! It has exceeded my expectations!!! If I can, I would shout at the cinema! I can’t really make any comment out of it because it has left me speechless! Transformers : More than meets the eye!

Bumblebee! my favorite!

Optimus Prime!

Shia Lebouf and Megan Fox

Josh Duhamel as Lennox!

Megan Fox!

Some Friday the 13th

2007-07-13T13:24:00.000+08:00

Right now, I would like to plug in our old betamax player and find some old scary movie to frighten myself out of this boredom that my parents had given me. But instead of wetting my pants out of fear, I am sitting in our living room, listening to some loud music, eating adobong pork and letting myself be killed by the boredom of being alone in the house. (I SHOULD BE WATCHING TRANSFORMERS!! )

waaah so cool! I love the morbidity of Jason!

My favorite horror movie! The only one that made me shreik!

What else can I do but to accept this fate of mine and just sleep my way through the day? But I think it’s okay, I mean, I’ve seen enough action for this day. Thanks to my classmate who thought of fighting on some, thought to be, auspicious day would be cool. It’s amazing to watch them make things fly in the air and shouting curses as if it’s the spell that can make things fly(maybe they’ve already watched Harry Potter and they just can’t get over it)! But I pity one of my classmates who got hit by the thick book of Financial Accounting on the head. I could swear she wants to scream Avada Kedavra (is the spelling right? I kinda forgot) while pointing her pen to the girl who threw it to her. I can’t really recall how it all started and how it also ended. I think they gave everyone some memory loss spell, because all I can remember is we had a surprise quiz in math because of the commotion they made. waaah! Happy Friday the 13th!ü

sad, very sad...

2007-07-10T21:48:00.000+08:00

I hate how life always left you breathless, or how time would just be so fast for you to cope up with, and when you get the hang of everything that is happening to you, all of the sudden, something new will pull you back down to where you started. I have been very very sad for the past few days. Dazed by all life’s works and perplexities, silenced by the noise that had been wailing around me, and now, I feel like I’ve been left hanging on the edge of a cliff, trying to chase time and pull back whatever passed in my life.
I can’t believe it, I just can’t. How could all these happen within a day or two? First, my life, my studies, and whatever there is that had kept me awake for the past week then this. I thought I am getting the hang of it, but all of the sudden I am, again, blinded. I can’t believe that Spike, my dog, died just like that. It is way beyond my comprehension, way beyond my expectation. I hate surprises, and no matter how much I try to take it all in, there are just things that you wish when you open your eyes are back and still the same. I will Spike so much, I will miss how he runs around me whenever I open our front door. I will miss his noisy barks whenever I arrive from school. I will miss everything in him, for he has been part of my life for the past ten years. I will miss Spike…

...I wish on a falling star
To conquer my sorrow
Seeing you, though afar
In times we borrowed
But now there is nothing
Just the memoirs of you
And I am missing you…

Learning to juggle... (some library thoughts)

2007-07-09T17:15:00.000+08:00

I sit here in the middle of the silent room trying to understand the definition of responsibility and prioritizing. Because, right now, no matter how much I try to get things done and understand all those weirdness in my course all that I was able to do is stare at the blank space of this large air-conditioned room. Waaah! How can I concentrate, when my stomach keeps on shouting to my brain to get the food in my bag and eat it(RAWR), then add up my unusually heavy eyelids that keeps on falling.

If I can describe my whole situation right now, I am an amateur juggler struggling his way on his first exhibition, complaining inside how hard it is but can’t drop anything ‘cause everything he puts in the air is everything he is, and with just one drop from one of those things his everything will fall apart. How I wish this staged program will be over, or much better it won’t and I will just get the hang of it and continue performing without any hesitation.

All I can think of or all I can dream of, right now, is my ultimate-vacation-dream-thing and that is a road trip somewhere very far, far away from here, where I can spread my arms and fell the gushing of the wind on me. But, unfortunately, when I open my eyes, it all ends. And I am back in my plain school library where all I can do is watch two lesbians getting it on, some freshmen breaking the silence of the room from time to time, and some utterly tired students sleeping and drooling (maybe and hopefully ;) ) on their financial accounting books. Okay, right now, I have made a decision to go home and continue my sleep-walking-studying past time there.

Random thoughts:
Need a new planner!
Gotta cancel my reservation in Greenbelt for HP! *teary eyes*
How much is a brand new phone nowadays?
I want krispy kremes!

Eskimo – Damien Rice
Tiredness fuels empty thoughts
I find myself disposed
Brightness fills empty space
In search of inspiration
Harder now with higher speed
Washing in on top of me so

FalliNg FoR aMiE...

2007-07-06T23:58:00.000+08:00

a une amie dans le doute by ~vercors on deviant ART

Maybe I am just a fool, a fool who stands by the road waiting for his fate to take over. For if I am aware of what step to take, I will not be here waiting in an ocean of crowd trying to chase whatever comes their way, hoping that it’s their name written on it. But if I leave this place will I, at least, be able take a glimpse of this certain hope that I have been trying to reach. If I leave, will I still believe in such great pulchritude that has only set foot on this earth once? If I leave, will I still be able say those words without the slightest flounder? And though as I bury myself in those notes written by destiny, I still have this portrait of time, a portrait on which I struggle to taste those sweets words. I try to write a certain story in this place, but as I try to catch myself I found myself reading another’s story. I cannot feel anything, but though, I still see the fast movement of time whispering its soulful melodies for those who got left in time.

Amie - Damien Rice

Amie nothing unusual nothing strange
Close to nothing at all
The same old scenario the same old rain
And there's no explosions here
Then something unusual something strange
Comes from nothing at all
I saw a spaceship fly by your windowDid you see it disappear?
Amie come sit on my wall & read me the story of 'O'
Tell it like you still believe that the end of the century
Brings a change for you and me
Nothing unusual nothing's changed
Just a little older that's all
You know when you've found it there's something I've learned
'Cause you feel it when they take it away hey hey
Then something unusual something strange
Comes from nothing at all
But I'm not a miracle and you're not a saint
Just another soldier on a road to nowhere
Amie come sit on my wall & read me a story of old
Tell it like you still believe that the end of the century
Brings a change for you and me
Amie come sit on my wall & read me the story of o
Tell it like you still believe that the end of the century brings a change for you and me

catharsiS...

2007-07-05T17:15:00.000+08:00

ca
catharsis. by =DRGPhotography on deviant ART

catharsis - emotional release: an experience or feeling of spiritual release and purification brought about by an intense emotional experience .... (that's what you get when you study accounting for 3 hours straight)-3 hours palang yun ah! what more pa pag departmental na! baka schizophrenia na!

If you had said it long before
Will I learn the meaning of sacrifice?
For I have know about it long ago
You will never hear my silent cry-

If I’d never sing you my symphony
You will never praise another’s sun
And find no joy with other’s rhapsody

If I learnt to love you long ago
Won’t you do the same-or not
‘Cause when you didn’t ask
It’s when you let it all pass;
We did not see and speak and know...

grey room syndrome...

2007-07-03T13:08:00.000+08:00

Why am I here? What will all these make me of? I lie on my bed awakened by some sweet song that, at least for a moment, gives me solace. I don’t know if this is one of those sacrifices that I am talking about. But as I lie in the darkness, breathing and feeling my hear beat, I half wish for it to just stop. For I think it’s the only way to be able to get out of this plight. I can’t believe how life, again, has left me breathless, or worse, paralyzed in the suffocation of things. It’s only been two weeks and to my surprised that I am still sober. Right now, I hate hope, which is always there at its evil state, for it gives a man reason not to let go, prolonging the torment of his soul. But what else can I do but to cling on hope for if I let go it will bring more perdition other than what I am expecting to face. My friend said that it will be all over soon-or is it? Will it be soon enough for me to stand and soon enough for me to contain these emotions that, as of the moment, are clouding my very sense of fighting. I am trying, doing my best to be strong enough for others to see that I am not giving up. But the truth is I never wanted this fight at the first place because I know it is too much for me to take. And yet there is no other except to face it. I am still awed at the same time thankful that I am making it through the day without bursting and though I am sinking more into this perplexity I am trying not to falter.

Well I've been here before,

I've sat on the floor,

In a grey grey room.

Where I stay in all day,

I don't eat but I play,

With this grey grey food.

Desole, If someone is prayin'

Then I might break out. Desole,

Even if I scream,

I can't scream that loud.

I'm all alone again,

Crawling back home again,

Just stuck by the phone again.

Yeah, well I've been here before,

Sat on a floor,

In a grey grey mood.

Where I stay up all night,

And all that I write,

Is a grey grey tune.

So pray for me child,

Just for a while

And I might break out.

Pray for me child,

Even a smile Would do for now.

sacrifice....

2007-07-02T09:51:00.000+08:00

I have been trying to figure out lately what on earth is in my mind, what am I feeling, what do I want to say, and what do I want to have. And lately, I’ve been wondering about all the things that I have given up. It’s kind of foolish to make certain decisions without even thinking about myself, because at some point, though I know it’s for the good, I’ve been asking: Is it all worth it?

Sacrificing, yes, I guess that’s what I’ve been doing lately, sacrificing some significant things, trying to look at some deeper meaning other than self contentment and a handful of plain selfish vanity. Now, I feel like I have forgotten the real sense of sacrificing and its real meaning. Is it like what I have been thinking of right now, a way to hide one’s true color? Or like in accounting, the term goodwill, at certain point one of the partners, from some goodness of his heart, is willingly giving out a certain amount of money that can be his (goodwill is not applied in accounting anymore!). It’s somewhat confusing and at the same time frustrating, because right now, at some point, I want to be angry and blame everyone who’s involved. I don’t know. I guess all I can do right now is to take a deep breath, try not to fall off the cliff and into the see of doubts. But here’s one thing for sure: “I’ve been making sacrifices without knowing what it is really.”

bewildered...

2007-07-01T22:49:00.001+08:00

I guess, out of the insanity that this week has brought me, I have decided on a lot of things in life, but the problem is I really don’t know what I have decided on(weird). I think I have dropped some ¼ of my measly mind as I walk around the grounds of our school finding the perfect thing that will bring me serenity a while ago. There is just so much to think about (HARRY POTTER), so much to worry on(HARRY POTTER), and so much to be obsessed at(ACCOUNTING) and yet I found myself typing, again, some clutters of my mind.
I have never thought that this week will, at least, stand out from all those any-ordinary-boring-week-things. It has been very, well, crazy.
Last Wednesday we had this medical check up wherein we’re going to take off our clothes so that the doctors can have the moments of their lives looking at something beyond what others can’t. It was, rather, amazing how the doctor told me, and I quote "hubad!" without even flinching. And all that I was able to say is "seriously?" but of course there are other things that I want to tell that doctor such as: "I can’t, I mean, you’re a lady! Plus I am a kid! By the way, have you seen such things? I don’t want you to be all surprised!" or "I am sorry, lady, but not all the best things are free." Or "What? No dates, or whatever is before this?" well even though I wasn’t able to tell it to the doctor I came out victorious! Because, I am exempted from the swimming!! Wohoo!
There are other stuffs that caused so much bewilderment in my week. My dreams, the impulsive decision to watch HARRY POTTER at Greenbelt 3 (made reservations!) and being scolded by my accounting professor for reasons unknown (just in the wrong place at the wrong time). Waaah! Then add up those creepy anonymous texters, most of whom, wants to get laid(I don’t really know what gave them the idea that I want to do it). Well, I am really not in the mood of blogging right now, so I guess this is all the best that I can do for know…hopefully I will be sober in the near future…I WANT TO WATCH TRANSFORMERS!!!

my fanciful week...

2007-06-23T18:49:00.000+08:00

The insanity called school has started! Though the insanity itself had struck me last Sunday when I gave my phone to my sister for her to use! I swear I took a shot of brandy after I did that because I don’t know what has gotten into me! Well, it doesn’t really matter anymore, because now, though it is just my first week in school I am already thriving in an avalanche of pressures and stress (especially accounting!). How I wish it’s summer again, I miss my summer escapade- mates!

I am really really weirded out right now! It is because of my new block mates who are apparently having an identity crisis because they keep on taking my place in the sacred “classroom seating arrangement!” (ASSHOLES!). But that’s not all; the commuting is really driving me crazy! Heck! From the waiting-for-the-jeep-stage to the whole travel is like some kind of something gone wild! Students are running around like crazy trying to get whatever space the jeep has to offer (except me, I would like to keep whatever dignity that is left in me), then whenever I got a ride my freaking jeep-mates are all so freaky! Especially those who thought of themselves as hot and would confidently wear “sandos” but failed to make themselves clean making them sticky and would not care if they had any physical contacts with some other person. How I wish I have my own car. But unfortunately I have to accept the reality that I can’t own one and that I am very vulnerable to those girls who are flashing their upper part of the body (it happened to me a while ago while I was walking to school from Katipunan).

School is not really the highlight of my week though. What really made impact this week is when my sister left for Dubai last Thursday. It’s not that dramatic though because of the “NAGMAMAHAL KAPAMILYA” bloopers that my sister and I did in the departure area. Haay…how I wonder what will happen next in my life. Hopefully everything will be more fun and less boobs.

bye bye summer...

2007-06-17T16:26:00.000+08:00

Tomorrow is my first day of school, and now I am really despising it as much as I anticipated it about three days ago. Yes, nothing can stop it, not unless the rapture starts NOW! As in NOW! But clearly I am still here so it is not starting any moment soon. Heck, it’s fine, I made the most out of my summer naman eh..I’ve been in parties, debuts in particular, visited our province, watch Micah get drunk, watch people flaunt their sexy bodies while shouting “I’m gonna get laid tonight!”(it’s the whiskey talking) , did some ambush sessions with friend, stayed up all night to just get the top score in snake II (5351!!), did some embarrassing stunts in the rain…oh how I will miss this year’s summer!! It is, literally, figuratively and whatsoever word that can describe it, the hottest summer in my life! I so want to do this all over again. Waaah! How I am thinking of what am I gonna do on my first day. On the last year’s first day of school I barely spoke (Good thing hindi napanis yung laway ko) and act as if I am an innocent child. Now I’ve been thinking, will I look and act like a rebel who doesn’t care what everybody thinks, or a dorky kid who loves to read and write or whatever! Heck I can even just come there with my “pambahay” on (But I wont do that!) waaah! It’s sad to say goodbye to the stuffs you learned to love! No, I guess, is the time when I will surely, I guess again, get down and dirty to excel in my studies, I guess. Waaaah! Goodbye summer!

shopping!

2007-06-16T00:19:00.000+08:00

Waaah! An utterly tiring day I had…well, though I am still up, I am dying to go to bed and sleep...but my, well, thoughts won’t let me not unless I flush all my brain clutters off me. I am very very thankful that I survived this little adventure with my sister. Waaah! Woke up around 6ish in the morning and left the house to go somewhere in Quezon City but my sister doesn’t know the easy way so…we took a jeepney ride to Rotonda and just walked to get to qc! Can you imagine that! from Rotonda to QC! Heck, well, it just took us about 5 minutes but it so freaking hot! Hotter that I am! Then after we went to divisoria or somewhere near that (168)..I remember the last time I went there was like so long ago I can’t even remember how I got there…it’s kinda creepy at first because of all the people walking around and bumping you, leaving some sweaty residue that only God knows where it came from! Waah! But still it is very cool cause you can get almost everything at their cheapest prices! Like the L-word DVD (for those who don’t know that, you don’t really need to know…but if you do! Heck I like it!ü) costs only 70 pesos!! And I remember Micah buying the same thing for about 150 pesos! See how cheap it is there! So cool! But that’s not really the big wonder that I witnessed there. The whole highlight of my day is the incredible shopping stamina of my sister! Yes! Her great girly stamina is so incredible! We were like able to go around the whole 168 mall for about three times! THREE TIMES! Just to buy a pair of shoe! A PAIR OF SHOE! Goodness, if you just saw how I look you will definitely laugh at how wasted I am…well, after spending about 3 hours in the 168mall thing and the Tutuban Center, my sister decided to go to Mandaluyong! From Manila to Mandaluyong! How did we get there? Well first we took the LRT to V. Mapa then took a jeep to MANDALUYONG(I swear, I am so covered with sweat when we took that jeepney ride..)! Crazy! Insanity! FATALITY! Waaah! Call me overacting or something but heck I was tired..cause after going to her office we went back to the LRT (so from Mandaluyong we ride a jeep to manila AGAIN) so that we can meet up with my mom at Metro East to do some grocery shopping…I swear, all I can think at those times is “I don’t want to go shopping anymore! Please!” …well…I am very very sleepy and tired and this is really the best thing that can come out from me…hoping I will not experience such kind of shopping again…

crappy virus!

2007-06-11T00:58:00.000+08:00

It is like 12ish in the morning/midnight/whatever and I, after a very very tiring hot day, am still fronting this very computer looking at those swirling numbers from the virus scan. But now I am typing because I am so sick of all the freaking viruses that my sister accumulated. My sister always does such thing, I think all the computer viruses in the world has a thing for my sister cause this is the nth! (too many to count!) time she made our computer sick. Sometimes, out of desperation, I would just like to disembowel this crappy computer, step on its parts and shout “YOU FREAKING VIRUS, DIE AND BURN IN HELL!” but then again, I would just make a fool of myself plus I know my family will disown me if I did that sort of thing. So instead of doing such stupid thing, I called out friendly neighbor virus attacker person (FNVAP). But fate, unfortunately, has another thing in mind! The FNVAP lost his antivirus thingie! So I have no choice but to left our beloved computer unhealthy, unused and isolated from the world wide web until the virus is all gone. But, substance abusive as I am (I read that when you feel disconnected and isolated and depressed when one thing is taken away from you, you are considered substance abuser, [I don’t know why]) I can’t last a day without using the computer and surfing the net! So the end result is out computer is a lot worse! But thing my sister’s boyfriend/future brother-in-law (I can sense that, but not very soon!) heard about it and brought us the greatest gift ever (well, not exactly a gift, he just lent it to us), it is a very very cool antivirus! (I swear, when I open the cd case I heard angels singing halleluiah [corny ba, well that’s how happy I am])…so now all I have to do is wait for the live update to be updated and then I can send those viruses in hell and shout “GOOD RIDDANCE!)

some crazy thoughts this week...

2007-06-08T10:52:00.000+08:00

It’s crazy, crazy I tell you (for me). It is very hard to do all the adjusting for the weird changes. Good things after missing the special episode of Will and Grace, journalizing, posting and scouring the whole house for some receipts of May for the BIR I am done with all my liabilities for the week! And now I am sitting at our balcony as I wait for the wind to blow, endure the sticky feeling of the world, watch some kid neighbor make a fool out of himself, listen to some feel good love song and write this blog entry.

Whew! Enrolled last Tuesday, I think. Nine days to go before I stop fooling around and start making myself a nerdy dead kid! I am dreading school and at the same time anticipating the adventurous experience of running for the jeep, doing some stunts to be able to fit in the fully loaded jeep, and meeting weird people and laugh at them ( I tend to be mean on the first day of class ), plus I can’t wait to have my baon ( though I am thinking not to avail it this year ) and to see the rest of the world!

Another whew! and a sheesh! 13 days to go! And I am going to be the supposedly-responsible eldest kid in the house, except Saturdays, Sundays, and holidays, when my sister will go home from her work in Cavite.hehehe….

Hmmm…for the past week, I think I should be thankful for still being sane, why? Well, because I was forced to disown my PILOT G-TEC C3 and use some old fashioned ordinary pen thing. Then I am, again, forced to change my handwriting, which by the way is a result of nine years (I am exaggerating) worth of hard work to imitate one of my classmates’ penmanship back in high school. Waah! I can’t believe that I am still surviving these stuffs. It is like I am suddenly changing a huge part of myself without any notice second thoughts and choice.

blog blog blog....

2007-06-03T23:53:00.000+08:00

I am starting a blog again, with all the stress that has been attacking me, and I really need an outlet so that I won’t do something stupid like punching the wall and enduring its painful effect the whole week, but hey it’s effective! But now, summer is going to be over very soon and I am going to live my 2nd year in college. What fun is that? To make things harder, not worse just harder, I have an additional responsibility, and that is my new sideline, book keeping! I am employed! (Somewhat somehow…) whew, I know as the days pass everything will be very much complicated. My sister leaving the country, is one of those complicated things since I feel like, everything will be depending on me since my other sister barely stays in our home nowadays. That’s why I am making the most out of this summer because I know an avalanche of life’s complexities will cause me to make a change from a childish, carefree kid to a little less childish, a lot less carefree busy kid. Heck, I don’t know if I am gonna be able to deal with this, but I think I can, I hope. My goodness, a blog again, but I think this will be very very useful to me, also, this is where I am going to put all those clutters I will take out from my brain…